New, nervously enthralled and need advice with jealousy

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ImmutableAvidity

New member
Hello all! I am a married mother of 3 currently beginning a relationship with my best friend of four and a half years. I chose this username because I struggled with my sexual identity and desires for many, many years.

I identified as a lesbian in high school. Not long after coming out, I unexpectedly found myself in love with my best friend (male) while I was in an open relationship with my girlfriend. She dumped me, and my husband and I were together ever since. We've been together for 13 years now.

For all 13 of those year I struggled with my desire for women. It wasn't that I wasn't attracted to my husband. I just found myself still wanting, and for all his efforts, there was nothing he could do. He has always been very understanding and supportive of me. However, I felt like I was cheating, or that there was something wrong with me for thinking about or dreaming about or wanting to be with a woman. What I wanted wasn't entirely sexual, and realizing that I just tried to shove it down and ignore it. I didn't know it was possible to love more than one person. I didn't know it could ever be okay.

It wasn't until I met my girlfriend I even really knew polyamory existed, and even then I didn't ever think it could be a reality for me. I am constantly caught by surprise, thinking surely this must not be real life. I cannot even describe how happy I am. How is this real life? I have two wonderful people who love me, who I get to love. My heart feels so full.

I can't help but feel nervous though. I worry that this is too good to be true. My husband has found himself jealous. He completely owns his feelings, and we are able to have wonderful conversations about everything, but I still worry. He is not polyamorous. He loves me, and only wants me. He finds himself insecure. He constantly reaffirms that he is okay with this situation though, and he is working through his jealousy.

Does the... disbelief wear off? I just can't believe I am allowed such happiness. Can anybody offer any advice for me to help my husband with his feelings? Is jealousy common in the beginning?
 
I am constantly caught by surprise, thinking surely this must not be real life. I cannot even describe how happy I am. How is this real life? I have two wonderful people who love me, who I get to love. My heart feels so full.
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I feel this way, all the time. Isn't it great?!

I can't help but feel nervous though. I worry that this is too good to be true. My husband has found himself jealous. He completely owns his feelings, and we are able to have wonderful conversations about everything, but I still worry. He is not polyamorous. He loves me, and only wants me. He finds himself insecure. He constantly reaffirms that he is okay with this situation though, and he is working through his jealousy.
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This is common. At least, in my life, it is. So far, all 3 of my long term partners are monogamous, though two of them have said they will consider other partners in the future. Maybe.

Can anybody offer any advice for me to help my husband with his feelings? Is jealousy common in the beginning?
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I always recommend the book More Than Two. I read it a year ago and now I am working through the questions at the end of each chapter with each of my guys individually, as they make their way through it. The book is a wonderful resource, and I encourage you to work with it as well!
 
Bluebird said:
I always recommend the book More Than Two. I read it a year ago and now I am working through the questions at the end of each chapter with each of my guys individually, as they make their way through it. The book is a wonderful resource, and I encourage you to work with it as well!
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Thank you so much for the book recommendation! I am going to get it!
 
I would say jealousy is normal in the beginning. It's a good sign that hubby is working through those feelings. Sounds like you may be cursed with happiness for awhile :D
 
Hello IA, and welcome!

It certainly sounds like you are in a situation that can be very fulfilling for you, and that is nice to read about. Yes, you can be happy and have more than one relationship! That sense of disbelief can happen when we realize we are living our hearts' desires. When that happens, just feed the side that is elated "beyond belief" and don't give in to thoughts that might tell you things like it will crash and burn or you don't deserve it. We can choose where to focus our attentions, even in our heads.

It is also great that your husband is not holding you accountable for his feelings, and is being a grown-up about it. So many times people come here and tell us that their partner won't "allow" them to do certain things or see certain people just so that their partner won't have to feel uncomfortable and jealous. But, the fact is that no amount of adjusting one's behavior is really going to help a partner handle their own emotions. It is an inside job that no one can manage for anyone else.

Jealousy is a kind of "cover" emotion, in that jealousy is usually sitting just on top of a fear or insecurity. A lot of people experience jealousy and think that's all there is to it. They then arrange things in their lives to avoid it because it makes them uncomfortable. But if you think of jealousy as the lid on top of a pot full of other feelings, then what helps alleviate the jealousy is to lift up that lid and look inside the pot.

In general, jealousy is connected with the fear of loss and/or the fear of change. We feel jealous when we see someone doing something that we think will cause us to lose something or someone very valuable to us. We fear that something will be taken away, and our happiness or security with it, whether that something we don't want to lose is a partner or the comfortable familiarity of how our lives have been going thus far. It could be anything, even the memory of loss in the past, that triggers jealousy. We fear change.

When we lift the lid on that pot, and confront our fears, they will have less power over us. Many feelings arise out of our thought processes and belief systems, so it's helpful to see the "mechanics" behind them. Sometimes, just seeing where the thought processes and feelings come from (without criticizing or judging ourselves for having them) is enough to dissolve the jealousy or make it less powerful. But then, sometimes, those fears and insecurities keep coming back and so it's good to keep asking oneself questions to drill down and know what those underlying beliefs, thoughts, and feelings are. Also, if he needs some sort of reassurance from you about your relationship, he should feel safe and okay with asking for it.

Asking oneself "what if" questions, as in "what if the thing I fear actually happened?" can help us see either that the fear is absurd, or remind us that we are strong enough to handle whatever life brings us and carry on. Or it can bring up more questions we want answered. Jealousy, insecurity, and fear can dominate our thoughts and make us miserable if we don't invest in self-awareness. The more we become aware of what kinds of beliefs are running inside us and how our minds and emotions work, the better able we can just acknowledge those thoughts when they come up, without allowing them run our lives and create emotional storms.

Your husband is welcome to post here, too, if he thinks it might help. Either way, I hope you keep coming back with updates!

All the best...
 
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ImmutableAvidity said:
I can't help but feel nervous though. I worry that this is too good to be true.

Does the... disbelief wear off? I just can't believe I am allowed such happiness. Can anybody offer any advice for me to help my husband with his feelings? Is jealousy common in the beginning?
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I've been with my husband and boyfriend for a year, and I still have days I worry it's too good to be true! So I completely get how you feel. Enjoy the good feelings and don't let the nervousness keep you from going all in and fully experiencing both relationships.

As for your husband's jealousy, in my experience the best thing for that is time. Not just in the sense of "he'll get used to it". But weeks and months and years together where you show him, every day, that you can love two people fully... And have a relationship with your girlfriend without neglecting his needs or taking him for granted. There was a lot of jealousy on my husband's side when we first started dating other people a few years ago, and what helped the most was him seeing over and over again that I still made time for him and our relationship. I know that's not a quick fix kind of answer, but your husband sounds like a mature person who has the patience to wait out those feelings. Hope that helps!
 
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