New poly and long distance. Can it work?

[GalaGirl]

How can I make a paradigm shift within myself to be ok with being in a one-sided open relationship? Or are we just fighting a losing battle and need to accept the reality that right now, we are not meant to be, and let go?

It may not be what you want to hear. I mean it kindly, ok?

I think you could let it go rather than keep bending yourself into pretzels over it. Neither of you is bad people. Just incompatible. You want to be exclusive. She does not.

We are so far from being on the same page that we may as well be in different books.

You could accept this.

I have no intentions of stopping her from doing so. I can see that this has nothing to do with us as a couple, but something that she needs to go through.

Then she can go through it. YOU do not have to. You could bow out. Then she is free TO date concurrently and explore poly, and you are free FROM any poly stuff.

i just cannot figure out how to look at it in a way where I can be ok with her being with other people. I don't even know what my biggest fear is that makes me not ok with it.

You could simply not be into it. There is nothing wrong with monogamy. It's ok to not agree to participate in a poly network because it simply doesn't do anything for you.

But when we can both see such an amazing future for ourselves, how do you come to terms with that?

You come to terms with it by accepting that that time is not NOW. That future is somewhere in the FUTURE if it is going to happen. What is right NOW -- is that you are not compatible dating like this.

So let dating each other go, and let future look out for itself. Sometime in order to give that future a better shot, you have to let go now. Because you doing DADT poly when your heart is not in it is no better than her doing exclusive when her heart is not in it. Resentments could build and that could lead to a big fight which kills any hope of getting back together later on.

I think the most loving thing you can do at this time is let it go for now. If you guys still want that future together later, you can work on it together THEN.

Galagirl

 

[anamikanon]

The biggest one I guess was that we decided on a DADT policy, and if one was going on a date etc.

One of you will regret it (likely you), depending on who finds a really serious other partner first (likely her). Because the other partner will be blindsided - by design. Then it will feel like a betrayal and major drama will happen.

I am aware I am being a bit judgmental here, but what does a long distance couple sustain a relationship on, if you cannot talk of things that matter to each other? Surely finding a new and interesting person would be the highlight of the day - that you will blank out from each other. Unless one or both of you enjoy lying, this is going to be a recipe for "avoid communicating".

On the other hand, if you can speak with your partner openly, you live in their phone 24/7 - that is closer than a local lover, if your communication is good. When Spexy got into a disastrous new relationship, one of his eye opener moments was when I teased him that he was chatting random routine with me for five hours in the middle of NRE! Didn't he have a new lover he was desperate to get back to? And.... he didn't. He had hurt me badly and we were still talking through many things and he just... wanted to be with me. Even if we were talking nothing serious. Casual, easy talk. Humor. For five hours non-stop (and we were in touch 24/7 in any case). With his girlfriend he was allegedly hot for living a short walk away and them both allegedly being interested in meeting more often.

He hadn't even realized that he was enjoying conversing with me to the point that it was better than meeting a new woman he had been ready to sacrifice all for just a couple of days before!!! That is how close you can be in an LDR - even in the middle of a major relationship crisis, if you genuinely care and communicate (on both ends). It can be a factor that grounds you, gives you perspective, allows you to share the joy of what is unfolding, and also acts as a first alarm for problems you don't spot in the fog of NRE.

that we would just tell a little white lie to protect the other.

I cannot imagine choosing lies as a method of communication with anyone I respect. This is not to preach anything if you think it works for you, but I cannot imagine it working.

I talked myself into agreeing with it because I figured that if I'm doing it as well then I can be ok with her doing it.

If you aren't inclined, you doing it could make it seem much worse than it is, because for you it is! The real issue seems to be that you don't want her dating anyone else and she will not stop and you don't want to break off so you will ignore what you want and mold yourself to her wishes.

I can tell you how this ends - she will be bored of a yes man. She will find someone who honestly likes her as she is. Eventually, she'll be done with the farce between the two of you. And you'll still be wondering what you could do to make her stay with you, when you aren't incompatible.

One thing that has come out of this for me is that I now see how opening up a relationship that may be getting a bit stagnant or caught in a bit of a rut could truly help. Perhaps 5 or 10 years into a marriage.

Mono or poly, you can't fix a relationship stagnating with having another that is shinier. You have to work on the relationship to fix it.

But to me, when we're only two years in, we're still learning about each other, our love is still growing, being open has no benefit to me whatsoever.

I don't know how that computed. You are here saying you want different things in the relationship, you're planning to wall off huge chunks of intimacy into DADT with each other, you are PLANNING to lie to each other. You are denying your own feelings on such a crucial subject because she wouldn't listen anyway. What part of that sounds like your love is growing? To me it sounds more like you are keeping a facade on till either of you finds someone to be with rather than breaking now and being single.

We are so far from being on the same page that we may as well be in different books.

or relationships

Last weekend it came to a bit of a climax where I couldn't hold it in and told her that I don't know if I can be a part of this. This immediately put us on shaky ground, as she told me that she still needs to continue on this path.

So much for growing love.

She is young and at the moment is a little unsure of who she is, and wants to explore herself and her sexuality with both men and women. I have no intentions of stopping her from doing so. I can see that this has nothing to do with us as a couple, but something that she needs to go through.

I don't know how many signs you need. Her exploring her sexuality has nothing to do with her putting a "No trespassing" board on her sexual life for you to stay out. Whether you intend to stop her or not, she doesn't appear to be inclined to stop and if her sex life is not a part of you being a couple, then I don't know what couple means. In other words, what you feel, want or allow is irrelevant to what she chooses.

We ended up deciding to take a couple of days off from speaking to think about things alone.

Your whole relationship is going through a phase where there are walls between you, and your solution to an issue in it is taking days off from speaking about it. How is this making sense to you?

In a way it helped, and also didn't. She's on a flight to come and see me as I write this and I am unsure how this weekend is going to unfold and what will be the end result.

I think this is a good time to talk the whole thing through. Instead of making absurd compromises and praying she doesn't leave you "in name only" - the rest of the leaving already seems to be done - with an option to pick if she wants to exercise it. On the other hand, if she is flying over to be able to talk to you then she may care, in which case your best bet is to be as honest as possible with what you want in the relationship. In your place I most certainly wouldn't agree to walls (DADT/lies) between us in an already stressed relationship and with her going through a major phase of self-discovery and change behind the "wall".

I feel like pride has a lot to do with me not being able to be on board with this. How can I rationalize another guy being with my girl?

You sound monogamous. If so, I don't know if this can end happily for you. What is to rationalize? He likes her, she likes him. If this sounds like a breakdown of the order of the world to you, then that is exactly what is happening. She is polyamorous. Wanting to be close to someone you find attractive is the natural order of things and is irrelevant to whether number of existing partners is zero or one or more as long as she has the time and attention to enjoy them all and hold up her end of the relationship with all.

I do understand her reasons for wanting to do this, but i just cannot figure out how to look at it in a way where I can be ok with her being with other people.

It just is. Attraction. Except the rule that in your mind says "one man one woman" doesn't exist, so she doesn't see why she shouldn't explore it. But, there is a reason, actually. If one loves their partner, they don't just go about additional relationships whether they are hurt or not. She should help you become okay or desist or end things with you before exploring additional relationships. What is going on sounds indifferent on her end and desperate on yours.

I don't even know what my biggest fear is that makes me not ok with it.

We can always sense a partner moving away from us.

Maybe that we will simply drift and she will simply end up falling for someone else.

Yes, you will, she will.

There is a nagging, annoying voice inside me that is telling me that I need to let her go, and that this is a journey that she needs to go on herself.

You know what to do. And the answer isn't tormenting yourself holding an end of a relationship not knowing what is going on on the other end. Speak with her. Seek clarity and the emotional security you need. Find a compromise both of you can live with. If it can't be reached, walk away.