New poly really needs advice on upcoming living situation.

[Last4one]

Hey, I really need advice. I'm new to poly, and this is my first relationship and partnership and not really feeling my boundaries are being respected. Of corse I'm learning so I'm not sure if I should just get over it or my partner isn't being respectful. Regardless I've signed up in need of help and advice.

My only request from my lover was space from her other lovers when it came to bringing them to my house. I live in a communal house and my girlfriend hasn't had a home for a few years, she stays on farms for work share and a few places including my communal house which is where we met.

This request has been ignored twice and I am apparently hindering her freedom by asking this because she doesn't have an actual home.

We have worked things out but I don't really feel respected.

Kind of out of nowhere she has just told me she talked to the head of the house and is now moving in. Her bed room and bed basically right next to mine with a thin wall separating us.

I'm upset that I wasn't really talk to about this. And is now saying she needs to talk with me about her boundaries as she moves in. I'm kinda feeling completely powerless.

The last thing that came up has been a mutual ex lover wanting to stay with us at the house. There would be a chance me an her would have a moment together, and my girlfriend has basically said "I'm not sharing lovers with her, not in my house". I really feel this is a one way street of respect and honouring our feelings. Anyways there was a question in there somewhere I would like to thank anyone a head of time for reading and responding to this.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle. FWIW, I don't think you should "get over" wanting respect in your relationships. It's a good thing to want.

I think you pretty much call it. It IS a one way street where she doesn't respect your boundaries but then she wants you to respect her boundaries.

You asked her not to have her other lovers in the communal house, she agreed, and then broke the agreement twice. Now she has asked you to agree to not have your other lovers in the communal house. Is that it?

I suggest you honestly tell her "No, thank you. I do not agree to that." She can process her disappointment on her own. Her emotional management is her job.

You could update your expectations. That each of you will have other lovers in the communal house. With that in mind, you could ask if someone in the house is willing to swap rooms so you have more buffer than the one thin wall.

If you choose to continue to date her, you could ask to make new agreements that you both CAN keep. Instead of being about LOCATION, the new agreements could be about sex health hygiene -- sharing lab info, birth control info, and so on to make sure all are clean and using safer sex practices.

If she cannot be in relationship with you in a way that you find respectful? Maybe you don't want to be dating her because she's just too messy/one way street for you. That's up to you to determine.

There isn't anything wrong in wanting mutuality in your relationships -- for it to be a two way street.

Galagirl