UncomplicateMe
New member
I'm not exactly sure how to put this post together so it makes the most sense. I'm just going to get after it and hope for the best. Hopefully this will serve as an intro, as well. Please bear with me. I'll try to use the proper terminology, but may mess this up some. I'm not even sure this qualifies as true polyamory – maybe poly curious? Seems like folks around here are pretty forgiving of this type of stuff, though, so here goes.
My wife, Daniel and I have recently entered into what may be a poly quad with another married couple, Jon and his wife Rose, who we have been longtime friends with. However, there are significant complications with the arrangement. First some background, then the complications, then our (my and Daniel's) loss of poly virginity, then my and Daniel's current situation (which is good). Here we go:
The four of us met in college 16+ years ago, the guys at one school, the women at another. Jon and Rose had started dating in high school. Dani and I were introduced to each other through them. She and I were casual acquaintances for several years, until we started dating about 12 years ago.
The four of us have been friends since then, closer or not at various points, due to geography and some crazy work schedules, but always some level of communication. Jon and I were each other's best men at our weddings, and Rose was Dani's maid of honor. Jon and Rose have been married 11 years; Dani and I 10.
Now the complications: about 6 weeks ago (prior to Dani's and my first poly experience), Jon and I went away for an overnight “guy's weekend,” ostensibly to go skiing, but really more to catch up with each other, and have a good time. Jon revealed to me that Rose has been cheating on him with another guy she knew from high school. Jon had become aware of it, confronted her, and they had subsequently gone to therapy. Rose had promised to stop seeing the other guy, but had not actually stopped. Jon became aware of this broken promise, and again confronted her.
The end result was that Jon was pretty much prepared to ask for a divorce. His primary concern was their 3-year old daughter. He also told me that, at Rose's suggestion (with the implication that it might fix their marriage), the two of them had met a couple online for swinging, which they had done once with this other couple, and were contemplating again. He asked me not to discuss the entire situation with anyone, including my Dani. I agreed to this.
3 weeks later, Dani and I wound up back at Jon and Rose's house after their daughter's birthday party, hanging out and catching up. (We have a 2-year old daughter). After the kids were in bed, and subsequent to some adult beverages, which apparently lowered inhibitions all around, Rose began discussing their swinging experience. This led to a discussion about comfort levels with different activities around different people, followed, over a span of time, by the four of us ending up all in the same bed. I had sex with Rose, and Jon and Dani had sex.
Though I have been intrigued by the possibility of a FMF threesome in the past, I had never seriously considered a quad-type situation. Furthermore, while Dani had occasionally seemed not turned off by the possibility of a FMF threesome, she never really seemed interested in trying to make it happen. We had never discussed the situation as it happened, in any more than a casual mention.
There was no discussion between Dani and me while the events were unfolding that night.
The following morning (while still at their house) Dani and I talked about what had happened the previous night. We both felt very good about it. We both had a very pleasurable experience, and were surprised at our mutual lack of jealousy of each other, as well as our new (and similar) feelings toward the others, respectively.
We ended up staying there most of the day. Rose and I had another sexual encounter (separate from our respective spouses) as did Dani with Jon. At that time, I was somewhat actively trying to keep my emotions in check, to keep the sex with Rose as “just sex,” as I thought that was how I should approach it. However, in retrospect, I have realized that I do have new, deeper feelings for Rose. I have discussed this with Dani, and she has said she feels the same for Jon!
The result, between Dani and me, has been nearly all positive. Our communication over the last 3 weeks has been better than it ever has been. Prior to this happening, our sex life was in a rut. Since then, we have had more good sex than we have had in probably the past year.
The only downside, as far as I am concerned, is that Dani has found it significantly more difficult to reach orgasm with me, on some occasions, than it was prior to our “loss of poly virginity.” I'm not quite sure what to make of this, but I'm not particularly upset by it.
Dani has expressed her desire to me to have further sexual interactions with the other couple. She had told both of them this, as well. She has told me that she would not likely be comfortable with the same activities with couples we do not know as well as these two. She has also said that she would not be comfortable continuing a sexual relationship with them if they were to continue to also have sex with others. I guess that means she is looking for a poly-fi-quad?
She also indicated that she is more comfortable with one-on-one sex with either me or Jon than a foursome. I tend to feel the same, although I think I am less averse to another foursome situation than Dani is.
Dani continues to communicate with Rose on a regular (almost daily) basis, mostly via text message, and Rose seems to be eager to have another meeting/get together/sexual encounter with me. I have tried to further discuss our situation with Jon, but he is by nature somewhat less than communicative, and works a strange schedule. I have had one chance to talk to him by phone, and he said that while he enjoyed the experience with Dani and me, he was “not sure” if another sexual encounter should occur, due to his potential divorce.
I certainly agree with his concerns (and having known about them prior, had our first encounter been a more “planned” affair, I probably would have nixed it – though I am glad it happened). I guess it's important to note also that Jon and Rose have not specifically stated a desire for more than casual sex with Dani and me. At least to me, however, our strong pre-existing friendship kind of precludes “casual sex.” It seems to me that it is already more than that. Rose hinted at that feeling to me, as well, during pillow talk.
My biggest source of anxiety about the whole situation is the lack of communication regarding Jon and Rose's potential divorce. Dani did see a card (inadvertently) from Rose to Jon while we were there that expressed her regret, and her desire to repair her relationship with him, but it did not go into specifics, so Dani doesn't really know what is going on. I do not believe that Rose is aware that I know what is going on, either.
This, to me, seems like a time-bomb in the relationship, and I plan to discuss it with Jon the next time I get the chance to talk to him. I avoid text messages with him, as Dani and I are very open about each other's texts, in a casual way, and I don't want her to see anything about the divorce until I talk to Jon about sharing it.
I guess I'm posting this in hopes of getting some outside perspective, to let me know if I'm approaching our situation in a reasonable way. My personal feeling is that I want to continue the sex with Rose, but I don't want to make the divorce situation even more volatile between them.
Since that is on the brink, could Dani and I make it worse? Or is it possible Dani and I could help them move back closer to each other?
Thanks to those who took the time to read my mini-novel. I look forward to hearing your advice.
My wife, Daniel and I have recently entered into what may be a poly quad with another married couple, Jon and his wife Rose, who we have been longtime friends with. However, there are significant complications with the arrangement. First some background, then the complications, then our (my and Daniel's) loss of poly virginity, then my and Daniel's current situation (which is good). Here we go:
The four of us met in college 16+ years ago, the guys at one school, the women at another. Jon and Rose had started dating in high school. Dani and I were introduced to each other through them. She and I were casual acquaintances for several years, until we started dating about 12 years ago.
The four of us have been friends since then, closer or not at various points, due to geography and some crazy work schedules, but always some level of communication. Jon and I were each other's best men at our weddings, and Rose was Dani's maid of honor. Jon and Rose have been married 11 years; Dani and I 10.
Now the complications: about 6 weeks ago (prior to Dani's and my first poly experience), Jon and I went away for an overnight “guy's weekend,” ostensibly to go skiing, but really more to catch up with each other, and have a good time. Jon revealed to me that Rose has been cheating on him with another guy she knew from high school. Jon had become aware of it, confronted her, and they had subsequently gone to therapy. Rose had promised to stop seeing the other guy, but had not actually stopped. Jon became aware of this broken promise, and again confronted her.
The end result was that Jon was pretty much prepared to ask for a divorce. His primary concern was their 3-year old daughter. He also told me that, at Rose's suggestion (with the implication that it might fix their marriage), the two of them had met a couple online for swinging, which they had done once with this other couple, and were contemplating again. He asked me not to discuss the entire situation with anyone, including my Dani. I agreed to this.
3 weeks later, Dani and I wound up back at Jon and Rose's house after their daughter's birthday party, hanging out and catching up. (We have a 2-year old daughter). After the kids were in bed, and subsequent to some adult beverages, which apparently lowered inhibitions all around, Rose began discussing their swinging experience. This led to a discussion about comfort levels with different activities around different people, followed, over a span of time, by the four of us ending up all in the same bed. I had sex with Rose, and Jon and Dani had sex.
Though I have been intrigued by the possibility of a FMF threesome in the past, I had never seriously considered a quad-type situation. Furthermore, while Dani had occasionally seemed not turned off by the possibility of a FMF threesome, she never really seemed interested in trying to make it happen. We had never discussed the situation as it happened, in any more than a casual mention.
There was no discussion between Dani and me while the events were unfolding that night.
The following morning (while still at their house) Dani and I talked about what had happened the previous night. We both felt very good about it. We both had a very pleasurable experience, and were surprised at our mutual lack of jealousy of each other, as well as our new (and similar) feelings toward the others, respectively.
We ended up staying there most of the day. Rose and I had another sexual encounter (separate from our respective spouses) as did Dani with Jon. At that time, I was somewhat actively trying to keep my emotions in check, to keep the sex with Rose as “just sex,” as I thought that was how I should approach it. However, in retrospect, I have realized that I do have new, deeper feelings for Rose. I have discussed this with Dani, and she has said she feels the same for Jon!
The result, between Dani and me, has been nearly all positive. Our communication over the last 3 weeks has been better than it ever has been. Prior to this happening, our sex life was in a rut. Since then, we have had more good sex than we have had in probably the past year.
The only downside, as far as I am concerned, is that Dani has found it significantly more difficult to reach orgasm with me, on some occasions, than it was prior to our “loss of poly virginity.” I'm not quite sure what to make of this, but I'm not particularly upset by it.
Dani has expressed her desire to me to have further sexual interactions with the other couple. She had told both of them this, as well. She has told me that she would not likely be comfortable with the same activities with couples we do not know as well as these two. She has also said that she would not be comfortable continuing a sexual relationship with them if they were to continue to also have sex with others. I guess that means she is looking for a poly-fi-quad?
She also indicated that she is more comfortable with one-on-one sex with either me or Jon than a foursome. I tend to feel the same, although I think I am less averse to another foursome situation than Dani is.
Dani continues to communicate with Rose on a regular (almost daily) basis, mostly via text message, and Rose seems to be eager to have another meeting/get together/sexual encounter with me. I have tried to further discuss our situation with Jon, but he is by nature somewhat less than communicative, and works a strange schedule. I have had one chance to talk to him by phone, and he said that while he enjoyed the experience with Dani and me, he was “not sure” if another sexual encounter should occur, due to his potential divorce.
I certainly agree with his concerns (and having known about them prior, had our first encounter been a more “planned” affair, I probably would have nixed it – though I am glad it happened). I guess it's important to note also that Jon and Rose have not specifically stated a desire for more than casual sex with Dani and me. At least to me, however, our strong pre-existing friendship kind of precludes “casual sex.” It seems to me that it is already more than that. Rose hinted at that feeling to me, as well, during pillow talk.
My biggest source of anxiety about the whole situation is the lack of communication regarding Jon and Rose's potential divorce. Dani did see a card (inadvertently) from Rose to Jon while we were there that expressed her regret, and her desire to repair her relationship with him, but it did not go into specifics, so Dani doesn't really know what is going on. I do not believe that Rose is aware that I know what is going on, either.
This, to me, seems like a time-bomb in the relationship, and I plan to discuss it with Jon the next time I get the chance to talk to him. I avoid text messages with him, as Dani and I are very open about each other's texts, in a casual way, and I don't want her to see anything about the divorce until I talk to Jon about sharing it.
I guess I'm posting this in hopes of getting some outside perspective, to let me know if I'm approaching our situation in a reasonable way. My personal feeling is that I want to continue the sex with Rose, but I don't want to make the divorce situation even more volatile between them.
Since that is on the brink, could Dani and I make it worse? Or is it possible Dani and I could help them move back closer to each other?
Thanks to those who took the time to read my mini-novel. I look forward to hearing your advice.
