New Relationship issues

K

kinkypolycpl

New member
My husband and I recently started talking with and seeing a woman. So far, we have gone out with her together twice. I have plans to spend time with her, just the two of us, tomorrow. My husband is going to take her out, just her and him, next week. Too soon for issues, right? Don't I wish.

Our problem is probably one of the last problems you would think to have. She and I get along great. We are both bisexual, and very interested in each other and building a relationship. The issue is that she doubts my husband's attraction to her.

We are new to the poly lifestyle, and while we have talked about it a lot, and had one brief fling with someone who was our friend, we are still very green. My husband is just getting adjusted to the new situation. He isn't use to dating and needing to show affection to two women, much less one whom he is married to and the other who is still so brand new to him. In addition, he is trying to make sure that he doesn't do anything that will upset me. (I have reassured him time and time again that I am 100% okay and comfortable, and that I really like this woman.) He is also a perfect gentleman and this woman is super hot and accustomed to being treated like an object. My husband isn't like that.

His lack of physical interaction with her has caused her to doubt him. We are communicating with her about it, and told her that when the two of them spend time alone this week it will make it easier for him to show his attraction and get more comfortable with her.This in turn will make it easier for him to be more physical with both of us when we all go out together.

Have any other couples experienced this? Does anyone have any advice on things we (she, my husband, or I) can do to help? Thanks in advance!
 
Why don't you guys just focus on the pairing where there's an obvious mutual attraction and everyone is comfortable? Why does she necessarily need to be dating *both* of you right at the start? Maybe, in time, she and your husband will develop something that feels right and easy for both of them. But if the only problem is that it feels a little weird between them right now, why force that relationship?

Maybe she and he will just be good friends, or maybe they'll become sex partners and nothing more, or maybe they'll fall deeply in love in time. But my experience is that if something feels even a little forced, it just gets more awkward, not less, whereas, if it's given space and treated lightly, it can develop into what it's meant to be.
 
To me, it sound like she might have some self-esteem issues around being treated as an object. With time, she might learn that attention comes in many forms, and that sometimes it's better to be treated for what's inside rather than what is outside. She might not like that.

But I suggest your husband keep being himself, as his attitude and pace are appropriate and to be commended. I wish more men would take the sleaze out of dating. It has a time and place, I think. But when you are getting to know someone, I find it completely disrespectful to be lecherous and to ogle.

Maybe she will realize that she is worth more to him than her body. It's sad that she thinks she is worth so little. I would see that as a red flag. Instant gratification, in terms of sex, is great, but if you are looking for the long haul, and she is already impatient that he isn't all over her, then I would be concerned about that, personally.
 
After only two dates she is doubting your husband's attraction to her? She does sound a bit impatient. Or maybe what she's trying to say is that she didn't feel any spark herself. Perhaps there wasn't as much chemistry between her and him as there was between her and you. However, I'm not sure she can really gauge that well enough when on a date with both of you. Since she has agreed to another date with each of you separately, she must be interested-- yet a bit insecure. Her insecurity is not your problem. Just continue to be yourselves and court her at your pace, as slowly as you need, with respect and honest communication, and be on the lookout for red flags. She may not be the one. I think you'll be okay.
 
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Thank you so much, everyone, for your constructive thoughts. The date my husband and she had went very well, and they are much more comfortable with each other. They both sent me messages the minute their date was over and wanted to know if I could talk. It was quite cute.

My husband is starting to see some esteem issues, but they are things that can easily be worked on. It also helped when I spent time with her on Sunday and explained more what he is going through. She just couldn't understand how I could be so comfortable with things and he wasn't. At that point, I explained how I had been active in the swinger lifestyle for years prior to meeting my husband. It clicked for her then, and helped to release a lot of the doubts.

Things seem to be heading the right direction now. We have made plans for the three of us to go out together this weekend.
 
I think you are approaching this in a smart way, by alternating dates for all three of you with dating as pairs. The fact that you are doing this from the very beginning is good. We see a lot of triads backfire and cause grief and drama mostly because of some weird insistence that everybody always have sex or date only when all three are present. What pressure that creates? But you folks recognize that there are several relationships to nurture here, so I think you are starting off on the right foot (er, if it's poly I guess I mean "the right feet!"), even if it might feel awkward at times.

Funny, it seems to be your gf who thinks the relationships should proceed equally; usually it's the couple who thinks that. Just keep reminding her that you and hubs each have your own style and pace, and that it's better if all relationships develop naturally, without trying to force anything. Good luck with it all, and have fun this weekend.
 
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