New, some worries of mine

[ShivaKat]

Actually living a poly life style is new to me. I've known about it and wondered about it for a long time. In the last year the romantic relationship with my now ex husband ended. He was very controlling and jealous, even jealous of me reading a book. I've had a lot of medical problems in the last 5 years, and after getting a diagnosis about a year and a half ago; I am now finally getting more of a handle on it. I am very much still struggling.

I was talking to R online a lot at the end, and I actually stopped myself talking to him as often when I still felt like I was trying to work things out with what was the husband(W). Even though my feelings of being in love with W ended months before, it got to a point where I couldn't handle being with him anymore and told him I was done. I started talking to R more often and he started telling me that he loved me. When I asked him about it, he played it off as he loved me as a friend. I took his word on that subject for awhile but after time realized that he was actually in love with me, and I let myself fall in love with him, despite his being on the other side of the country. Which I tell you, is not my thought of fun, being in love in a long distance. He came and visited me in July and we locked ourselves in a hotel room for 5 days and that just made it worse, because I felt so calm and safe with him.

R would tease and hint to me about living in PA, and he would tell me that he wanted to live back in California one day. I decided to stay in California and moved into my own apartment and the end of June. At some point R out of no where said he was going to leave his wife and move to California. I think he was just really unhappy with his life at this time. He had never talked about leaving her before. He insisted and made me believe that he was going to come here. He finally decided to tell his wife how he felt about not wanting to be monogamous anymore, how if I wasn't around he would still want to see other women. So she could choose to stay with him or leave. They called me that morning and talked about it. Still he made it sound like he was going to move to California in a couple of months. I knew that was to fast. R and his wife are getting a long better, and I don't think R is as motivated to move as he was. R now drops more hints about me moving to PA.

I started seeing S a couple of months ago, and S is in love with me. S said he would leave his wife to keep me. I didn't want him to, and I'm not yet in love with S, but I am very attached to him. S would do anything to keep me here in California. I have talked to S about how I'm not even sure that I want a primary partner now. He knows I don't want to live alone forever. He made a comment to me that he wants to be there when I'm ready to have a primary partner. To be honest, I don't know if I would ever want to live with S.

I want to live with R, I'm not to sure I want to live with R's wife. I am on a friendship basis with R's wife(H). Here is where I start to feel guilty. I have health conditions that I don't know if I will be able to go to work and school if I want to. If I can't work, I shouldn't really stay in California by myself because the cost of living is so high. So in a year when my lease is up, I might pack up and go live with R, but I don't really want to live in PA. However if things go well, I'll stay in California and go to school.

My future is really unknown because of my medical problems. When R and S mention changes that would bring them physically closer to me I feel guilty. I feel like I'm making some promise to them, that I never made. I think in my happy dream R would move to California and S would be accepting of me living with him. For all I know in a year I might be in love with S and want to live with him also. I just hate not knowing, and I hate feeling like I'm making promises that I'm not actually agreeing to. Either way I don't want to hurt them. What is the best thing to say when they bring it up to me? I feel like I should tell them something, some kind of warning, I've probably already given but they still send pushes at me in the direction they want to go. Ay advice on how to handle this would be great.

 

[KC43]

You need to make the choice that's best for *you*, not what's best for R and S. No matter how much you love them or they love you, they should be secondary factors in any decision you make. You say you've only been seeing S for a couple months. In my opinion, that's far too soon to be thinking about a life together. It isn't too soon to be *hoping* for one, but I think it's too soon to start planning and making major life choices based on him.

I don't see where you say how long you've been with R, but you said it was toward the end of things with your ex-husband and that's "in the last year." Having gone through medical issues and a divorce (I mean you having gone through them, but I have as well so I sort of know what I'm talking about), I think it's too soon for you to make major life plans based on R as well.

If I were you, and they kept saying "live with me, live with me", I would say, "You know, it hasn't really been long since my marriage ended. I'm still getting used to not being married to him. I have health issues to deal with, and those mean I don't know what my future will hold. I would prefer not to make life-changing plans right now. I think we need more time to build our relationship before we take those steps."

You have no reason to feel guilty about standing up for yourself. It sounds like their pressure and talk of suddenly merging your lives is stressful for you because you don't know how to handle it, and if you're dealing with a chronic health condition, you do not need any more stress. So eliminate the stress by asking them to stop talking about long-term plans, and if they arent' willing to stop, eliminate them from your life so you can move on in a more healthy mindset.

 

[ShivaKat]

Thank you this sounds like good advice. I'm just not good about being assertive. I think it's the fact that I feel like they are making future plans to accommodate me, and some guilt about hey guys, I have no idea what I want or can do. Your right the type of pressure makes me feel emotional and then I get stressed out.

 

[KC43]

Then you need to tell them that. Being assertive isn't easy, I agree, but it's important for your emotional well-being and possibly your physical health.

Try this: "I really appreciate that you're being so accommodating for me, and it makes me feel so loved and special that you're already thinking about me in that way. But right now, you know my health is a problem, and because of that I'm not entirely comfortable planning too far ahead. I love that you're willing to have a life with me, but I'm not ready to think that way yet. Could we maybe put that kind of talk on the back burner for now, and come back to it once we've built our relationship more?"