New to being open, or poly, or what do you call it, anyway?

[fiveflowerfencer]

Hi,

This is my first post so please pardon me if I am posting in the wrong forum.

I am recently (within the last 9 months) divorced and have been dating almost since my divorce. Partially because I tend to attract people as I'm open, friendly, outgoing, and (I hear, not trying to brag) attractive. Since I've started dating/sleeping around, I have upfront told everyone I've seen that right now I'm not comfortable committing to one person exclusively and that I am interesting in exploring things that I haven't experienced yet.

Part of what caused my divorce was this desire to expand my knowledge sexually, and maybe emotionally. The other part was dishonesty. So, I have told all my partners that I am going to be open about who I'm seeing and who I'm sleeping with, though I will refrain from sharing details unless they really want to know. And I insist on honesty from my partners, especially on "milestones," like if they decide to start sleeping with someone new, or whatever.

I have been involved with Gabe for about 5 months, though I knew him through friends peripherally for a few years. He and I have grown very close and while I resisted telling him I love him for a while, I recently did, too soon? I'm not sure, though he also responded the same. He knew that I am trying not to move too quickly and that I am seeing other people, but he also knows that he is my #1. However, he is also having a hard time being okay with me dating other people. He says he wants me to do what makes me happy, and that he doesn't want me to do something for him which is against what I want (monogamous commitment too soon after my marriage/divorce).

I've also been sort of dating Neo since about the same time I started dating Gabe, though Neo and I are much more casual. He is into the BDSM scene, which is something I've been incredibly curious about and wanting to explore, but haven't known how/had the bravery to do so. Neo is dominant enough to get me out of my comfort zone (as to what I want), has enough knowledge about being sub to teach me stuff about being dom, and has the money to invest in toys and clubs, which I don't. I like Neo as a friend, but our romantic relationship is mostly sexual.

Gabe knows about Neo (and knew about others that I've either stopped seeing or who were just one-time things), but still seems uncomfortable with the whole non-exclusive thing, even though I spend 90% of my free time with him and 5% or less with Neo.

Recently I went out of town. My travelling partner bailed at the last minute. I invited Gabe, but work wouldn't let him get time off, and not wanting to go alone, I invited Neo. Gabe knew about it, but still, when he saw the pics on FB (which I asked Gabe if I could post), he still said that he got jealous.

Gabe has only had relations once, with one other person, since we started dating. He says he has a hard time being interested in other women when he's interested in me.

Am I in trouble? Have I invested my heart in someone who wants to come around, but ultimately won't be able to? Am I making a mistake being so honest about Neo? I'll tell Gabe I'm going out with Neo, if he asks when I have plans, or if there's a thing N invites me to. I refuse to give up being open/whatever, and might agree to exclusivity in the future, but not right now. Does this mean that I am going to have to accept that there will be a time when I lose Gabe?

Thanks for all your advice.

 

[LovingRadiance]

There's no way for us to know if you are making a mistake or not. The best way to find that out is to ask your partner, being point blank about not wanting monogamy.

That he gets jealous doesn't mean he can't be in an open relationship. I am poly and I get jealous or envious at times. It's more important that he claims responsibility for his own emotions and manages them. If he can do that without putting it on your shoulders to change your behavior in order to stop his jealousy-- A+.

 

[GalaGirl]

Am I in trouble?

From what?

Have I invested my heart in someone who wants to come around but ultimately won't be able to?

Only time will tell that.

Am I making a mistake being so honest about Neo? I'll tell Gabe I'm going out with Neo if he asks when I have plans, or if there's a thing Neo invites me to.

No. Honesty is best.

I refuse to give up being open/whatever, and might agree to exclusivity in the future, but not right now.

That sounds like a "soft limit"-- not for now; could change in time.

Does this mean that I am going to have to accept that there will be a time when I lose Gabe?

Gabe is free to choose to participate or not. If he decides to no longer participate, or requests you and he become exclusive, and you are not at a time/place where you want to do that, then yes, a time could come where you and he might consider ending your romantic involvement and change to being friends. He's not "lost" if he's your friend. He's just no longer pursuing a lover-type relationship with you, nor you with him. That being possible doesn't mean it will come to pass, but just that it is a possible outcome.

That is something for a future time... maybe. Figuring out how to cope with his jealousy is in the present time, the now. You could focus on what you have now, rather than what-if-maybes.

You both could read about jealousy and "poly hell," talk about how to process those, and what behaviors you expect from each other and yourselves when one of you feels jealous.

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html
http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/poly/Labriola/jealousy.html
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

See if talking it out serves you better than "what-if"ing.

Galagirl

 

[fiveflowerfencer]

Thanks for the advice, so far. It helps to hear from people that this is not uncommon and not weird.

Galagirl, thanks for the links. I will check them out.

 

[Emm]

One thing you said concerned me:

he doesn't want me to do something for him which is against what I want, monogamous commitment so soon after my marriage/divorce.

Does he know you're not planning to go back to monogamy, or does he think this is just a phase he needs to wait out before he has you all to himself?

 

[london]

Does he know you're not planning to go back to monogamy, or does he think this is just a phase he needs to wait out before he has you all to himself?

And do you know the answer to this question, or are you unsure yourself?

 

[fiveflowerfencer]

I don't think he feels like he can just "wait it out" as far as me wanting to go "back" to monogamy, but on the other hand, I am not 100% sure what I want to go "back" to, or "forward" to, or whatever. I think that not being monogamous in some form will work better for me in general. He does know this about me. He knows that I don't have plans to go "back" to monogamy. However, if that is what feels natural for my life, at any part of my life, then I will reconsider it. But I am more living in the moment now than trying to force big plans onto the future.