New to Poly

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calvcall

New member
Hi,

My wife and I had been discussing poly for about 2 years now and hadn't settled on an agreement.

There was a miscommunication between us about two months ago when discussing poly, and she got the impression that I had agreed that I was comfortable with her seeing this other person. This past Sunday I felt blindsided and cheated on when I found out that she had infact actually been dating someone else. She was under the impression that I wanted a dont ask dont tell situation.

We've been discussing the situation ever since and I'm struggling with being comfortable with it, as my background and ideals were built in traditional monogamy.

I'm here for knowledge, to learn how best to Express my feelings with my wife and to help her help me understand that she loves me and that we're life partners. I have a fear that shes going to not choose me anymore and would like to be able to Express those feelings and be comfortable that shes here to stay.
 
Hi calvcall - and welcome to the Forum, although I do regret to hear that you had such an unfortunate introduction to polyamory. Polyamory is generally defined as having multiple loving partners with the knowledge and consent of all involved - so it sounds like you are working to get there, although it may not have begun that way. I do encourage you to continue to communicate with your wife honestly and often, and do share your concerns with her.

Please feel free to share any specific thoughts and questions with us on the General Poly Discussion section or the Poly Relationships Corner. We have a good number of experienced poly folks here who are generally helpful and friendly, so you are more than likely to get some honest feedback.

For additional resources I recommend the morethantwo.com web site, which has a good number of introductory articles about poly, and the polyweekly.com blog/podcast website - which has over 500 archived podcast on poly free to listen to.

Best of luck on your journey! Al
 
Greetings calvcall,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you are worried that your wife is going to replace you with her new partner. Do you feel free to express those concerns with her? How can we at Polyamory.com help? I have some jealousy links I can share if you want, let me know if that would be helpful. I'm glad to have you with us.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
kdt26417 said:
Greetings calvcall,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you are worried that your wife is going to replace you with her new partner. Do you feel free to express those concerns with her? How can we at Polyamory.com help? I have some jealousy links I can share if you want, let me know if that would be helpful. I'm glad to have you with us.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
Click to expand...

Hi Kevin, thanks for the response.

At first, I didn't feel like I could express my concerns with my wife, but I am now communicating with her daily on how I feel, and how we can get to a place where I feel comfortable. I've been reading the articles on the "More than Two" web page, and they're helping out quite a bit.

As for how can poyamory.com forms help, I would just like a place to express my concerns with other poly people, as well as maybe mono's in a ploy relationship to gain an understanding on how to get through this initial phase of the change in my relationship with my wife.

If you could, I would really appreciate the links on jealousy. I do feel jealous, more times than I would like, and I think that is where most of my issues stem from.

I did stumble upon a polyamory intensive, where its like a 4 hour break-down of poly and how to communicate, I'm hoping my wife and I will be able to attend it.

Again, thanks for all the info, I'm frightened about the changes occurring in my marriage, but I'm certain we'll come through this and become stronger life partners.
 
Hi calvcall,
Here's those links.

Hopefully that helps. I also have some mono/poly links if you're interested. You can definitely express your concerns here, if you want the most feedback possible from the most people, post in Poly Relationships Corner. I hope you and your wife will be able to attend the polyamory intensive, let us know how that is if you do.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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