New to poly

J

JustCurious83

New member
So I never know what to say in these things. I am I'm a long term relationship with my best friend and her husband. We've been together for 2 months now and this is all so new to me! The three of us are wanting to make this permanent and are trying to take our time and really make sure we do this right so that for one it doesn't destroy our existing friendship but also this is the happiest we have been in years and we don't want to lose that. He and I are also in a TPS relationship.

Being a newbie I can use all the advice I can get!
 
re: new to poly

One little tip I can give is that you engage in non-sexual activities as well depending on your interests towards strengthening the friendships and relationship. I can think of taking day and over night trips to visit places, exploring your hobbies, pursuing continuing education etc.

Mutual respect and honest communication can only help.

Regards
 
Greetings JustCurious83,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Yes, what is TPS?

It sounds like you have the beginnings of a beautiful trio relationship, and as long as all three of you are respectful towards each other's boundaries, you will probably do fine. I hope Polyamory.com can help you out along the way.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Tps

My stupid phone corrected TPS to TSP. TPS means total power swap, so we are also into BDSM, at least he and I are, she doesnt mind a little light but he and I are pretty into it. We have taken several day and overnight trips together the three of us and we enjoy multiple activities together and as two separate couples.

There has been some debate recently as to whether she and I want our relationship to be a bit more intimate, I tried to post in another place to get some advice but it turned into "your man is an asshole" and he really isn't. He would really enjoy a little light girl on girl and previously she and I had decided that any sexual contact between she and I was off limits and wasnt going to happen. We've been talking about it again since we've been together a little longer and things are going really well. He is extremely turned on by light girl on girl and she and I are discussing changing the hard limit to no pussy play and no kissing. She and I both identify as straight or very lightly bi-curious so we thought that might be a way we can give him what he wants without pushing either of us into something that we would clearly be uncomfortable with. Any suggestions, comments, or advice from those who have been at this a while?
 
I guess the main thing that comes to my mind is just to go really slow. Tiny steps, one at a time. Check and see how you're all feeling about it before taking the next step.

So in your total power swap, is the husband Dominant over you? If so, that might put things a little more into perspective. There is nothing wrong with you ladies doing a little light girl on girl play to make him happy, as long as that doesn't make you feel uncomfortable.

So as I said ... slow, and in baby steps.
Does that make sense?
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I don't know how sustainable the "light girl on girl" as you put it would be if you're not authentically into it. If this were me, my first concern (beyond being true to my own desires) would be whether this is something that nurtures my relationship with my female best friend. I don't quite understand why the two of you would engage in this if it's just for his viewing pleasure. Two months is not long at all and everything is still novel at this stage. What happens six months from now when the "light girl on girl" novelty has worn off for him and the two of you best friends are left with ...... ? Weirdness? Just wondering what the plan is here. It seems that some boundaries are in order.

Edited to add:
I just found your other thread that is all about your concern that your friendship will be compromised by un-desired sexual contact with your best friend for his benefit. I hadn't read the other thread when I responded above, but my reaction obviously is similar to the others in your other thread. Why would you even think of risking this valuable friendship? I'm not sure why you'd start a second thread asking the same question, when it's pretty clear that you already know this is not a good idea. Of course he would love to see you two go at it - 95% of straight men would. It's up to you and your best friend to set your own boundaries. If I'm off the mark, please explain.
 
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So, in your Total Power Exchange, is he the Dom and you the Sub? Even if he is your Dom, it isn't ethical for him to try and coerce you into having sex with someone you don't want to have sex with. That is tantamount to rape.

Everything a Dom does should be in the best interest of the Sub, period. If you have not laid out in detail exactly where you draw the line in what you want him to take over for you, you had better do it now. Because he sounds like he's acting like a selfish, lascivious, domineering ass without respect for your personal wishes. That is not a true TPE. It's not my thing, but even I know that. We have a very long and informative thread here on BDsm, maybe you could benefit from reading it.
 
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Completely off base

I am quite experienced in the BDsM world and know how important limits are so trust me when I say you both have my bf all wrong. He is the dom and he is very careful to make sure that he acts in my best interest. As far as the whole girl on girl thing goes I have had an irrational fear about that for a long time (very long story) and what he helped me realize today is that I was using my relationship with my friend as an excuse to not trying something that I had been silently curious about for a long time. He has also helped me realize (also today in fact) that she and I have a strong enough friendship that if it's not for us and things get weird either of us can stop the activity and us talk about it and it be fine. The only reason I even posted this morning is because he was supposed to be filling in for a co-worker on a 24 hour shift so he was supposed to be gone all day but another guy who needed the time took half of the shift so he got to come back home for a while. He just left about an hour ago to go finish the shift so she and I are on our own tonight but will get to participate in one of our favorite triad activities (group cuddling and lounging in the bed talking) around 8:30 in the morning! So everything has worked out as it should have.
 
Sorry, I thought I was posting in your other thread. Somehow I got your two threads mixed up. My post in this thread was meant to be a reply to this, from your other thread:
JustCurious83 said:
We are both sexual with him but not with each other because we don't want to risk running out friendship. He has recently become like a bulldog with a bone always trying to grab one of our hands and trying to put it on the other's breast or butt cheek. She and I talked about it beforehand and decided that we weren't really willing to risk or friendship and that we were both fine with no sexual contact between the two of us, that has been a hard limit from day one.

I identify as straight . . .
Click to expand...
That didn't sound respectful of your boundaries. Glad you say everything is now going well, but I hope your friend's husband is more respectful in future. Be careful that he is not trying to convince you that you really want to be with her and/or using his position as your Dom just so he can get his jollies from seeing you and her together. Being curious doesn't always mean you need to try what you're curious about. You can be bi-curious and still be totally straight.

In the other thread, you didn't answer a couple of people who wondered whether you always have to have sex with everyone present or can you have one on one alone time with him? Also, I am wondering how it is that you call this a long-term relationship at only two months?
 
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Reply

We each get alone time with him as well as our group play and you may find it interesting that one of his hard limits is no Ds play in our group setting. He decided Ds play would always be reserved for when we are alone because he was concerned about getting me into subspace and asking me to do something I wouldn't be comfortable with and me agreeing because of the uphoric feeling I get in subspace. He really does keep my well being and hers as his paramount priority. One of the ways that he shows this is by one of his "rules"' (I call it a rule, he calls it a "thing"). Whether we are together or apart no one leaves if they are upset or angry. He has a very dangerous job and doesn't want anything to happen to him and either of his girls be left with guilt because our last interaction was angry or upset. What can I say, that's life with a firefighter!
 
Reply

kdt26417 said:
I guess the main thing that comes to my mind is just to go really slow. Tiny steps, one at a time. Check and see how you're all feeling about it before taking the next step.

So in your total power swap, is the husband Dominant over you? If so, that might put things a little more into perspective. There is nothing wrong with you ladies doing a little light girl on girl play to make him happy, as long as that doesn't make you feel uncomfortable.

So as I said ... slow, and in baby steps.
Does that make sense?
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...

That makes perfect sense! Thanks for the actual constructive advice and not going straight to "your man is a dick" like so many others did!
 
JustCurious83 said:
That makes perfect sense! Thanks for the actual constructive advice and not going straight to "your man is a dick" like so many others did!
Click to expand...

:(

I think you're misinterpreting a lot of the responses, which were based on the concerns that you expressed in both of your OPs. When I get the same response over and over again, I always look to what I'm putting out there instead of blaming others for being (insert negative judgement here.) I suppose that's constructive or unconstructive advice, depending on your point of view.
 
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