New to poly

[WildColonial]

R and I have been together for three years, and in that time, the subject of non-monogamy has come up three times. The first time was with someone long-distance who wanted to get really close too fast for us. The second time was when we were going through a sexual dry spell, and I got cold feet and decided not to pursue anything outside. This time, we're much stronger as a couple and individuals, and we both think polyamory can work for us.

And yet . . . I'm still apprehensive. Just like when I was single, I'm worried about rejection. I'm concerned about the degree to which I (and we) can be out if we find that being poly works for us. I don't have the foggiest idea (short of OKC, Meetup, and maybe Fetlife) to meet poly people.

Do these questions mean I'm not really ready, or just that I'm human?

 

[Shaya]

Hi W.Colonial,

Welcome to the forums. I'm quite new myself but there's plenty of wisdom amongst others who've been here longer.

I'm surprised your concerns focus on a fear of being able to find suitable partners. Most people worry about jealousy, insecurity, or about sinking their current relationships.

In terms of meeting people, the world is your oyster! Hooking up with someone who has done poly in the past can be very helpful, but given how few people who identify as this, that can be hard. Online, as you've mentioned, or else local poly meetups can be a good place to start.

Good luck, and welcome to the forums.
-Shaya.

 

[Lea]

You sound pretty normal to me!

My ex gf broke up with me a little over a month ago and while I'm not really in a place to want another one right now, I'd like to be open to the idea. But I have NO idea how I'd go about meeting another.

Especially cuz my first was LD and I'd rather avoid that again lol.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi WildColonial,

Your concerns are perfectly normal and reasonable. How out you are is a decision you must make for yourself, being out isn't for everyone but some people do it. And everyone worries about rejection sometimes, it's human nature. Now, as for how to meet poly people, I don't have any great resources, but here are some.

• https://fetlife.com/
• https://en.lovoo.com/#/
• http://www.okcupid.com/
• http://www.facebook.com/
• http://www.beyondtwo.com/
• https://www.openminded.com/
• http://polyamory.meetup.com/
• http://adultfriendfinder.com/
• http://www.polymatchmaker.com/
• http://www.polyamory.org/SF/groups.html
• http://polyevents.blogspot.com/#localgroups
• http://openingup.net/resources/local-orginizations-u-s/
• http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=13

Hopefully that's enough to get you started.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[WildColonial]

Oh, I'm definitely concerned about whether our relationship can handle polyamory. We were looking at it last year but weren't in a good place as individuals or as a couple. We just completed six months of couples counseling and a few workshops and are feeling a lot stronger.

But everything is very abstract right now, and I'm trying not to borrow trouble.

 

[JK40]

It sounds as if you have really grown as a couple since you last considered taking the first steps to being poly, which is a great thìng.
As I am sure you are aware, going into poly relationships if there are issues in your relationship will only highlight those issues and probably amplify them. So it's great that you are strong as a couple.

It is only natural to feel nervous about trying something new. I started my first poly relationship february, so it is all still new to me. I only have the one partner right now, he is poly and even though I have no other partners (he does) I still consider myself poly.

The only real way to be totally sure if it is for you both is try it. That is not me saying go out and use another partner as a guinea pig, ie dont just use them. (I am sure you wouldn't as you seem a decent person.) But there is no other way of really knowing for sure.

I know I'm really new to poly but feel free to send me a private message anytime, even just to chat, if you like.