Polyamory is something I've been thinking about for rather a long time
now, about 6 or so years now. I first encountered polyamory when I was
in my early twenties, when I met an amazing woman called J. She was
beautiful, Intense, passionate and so very caring. She was also married
to an absolutely great guy (whom I knew), in a successful poly
relationship, and she wanted me to be one of her secondary partners.
I had to turn her down. I had no problem with poly relationships and
could even see the ways a poly relationship would be better suited to
me. But I was also all too painfully aware that I was young, immature,
insecure and emotional. I have always been very self-aware and knew
that I wouldn't be suited to it, much as I might have wanted to it would
have been irresponsible of me to get involved back then.
I was 24 back then. I am now 36 and have grown, matured, loved, lost,
been single for 4/5 years at a time and been badly burned a few times
too. I regret nothing. I've learned so much in the time from experiences
past.
I met another girl later who was poly, in about 2006. She and her
primary partner's relationship had broken down a fair bit, I believe, and
they decided that poly would be the best course of action for them, and
we talked about the reasons why. The conversation was something that
resonated very strongly with me, in that she had aspects of her
personality that he couldn't understand, and things choices that she
needed in that he wasn't interested in. This reminded me of some of
my issues with past partners with interests such as BDSM, where my
orientation wasn't compatible with my partner's, but even more so were
social, intellectual and other needs that either a partner couldn't provide
for me, and also that I couldn't provide for them, and in this respect poly
made sense. (But thinking that way made me feel like I was being selfish.)
I met someone recently and was and am a bit swept off my feet by her.
Long story short, she is poly and bi (it's a bit more convoluted than that). She
is completely honest and caring and I trust her completely. We have
had many conversations about relationships, how things work, as opposed
to how they should work, and polyamory. She said, with poly as her primary
default state, that her partners would have to accept that they would be
sharing her. I realized it just makes so much sense and it's a big part
of who she is, and has probably contributed towards why she is so honest
and communicative. But if we went forward (and I am not saying that's in
the cards), her happiness is very important to me. I can't describe why,
but it all makes sense, not just for her, but me, too.
So as you can probably read, I am fairly convinced already, so why am I
worried and why have I never attempted it before? And if things don't
go ahead, will I still decide poly is for me? I worry because I am still a
little insecure as a person, but am kind of past the whole jealousy thing--
it's more reassurance that I'm loved. I struggle to communicate my needs
and concerns, even these days, when all grown up. If my family found
out, which is likely, they might not understand, and in fact, I imagine my
brother, who would be most likely to find out, would likely be
among my biggest detractors, even though he'd probably respect me
quietly for making my choice and living my life.
More I think it's that
monogamy has been so ingrained in my life and it's hard to jump. Maybe
it's time to close my eyes and jump. I often wonder how people found poly
and if they struggled reconciling what they want to do with how they
have been brought up, and how they got past it. The reason that it's taken
me 6 years of consideration is because I've never known how to approach
it, not known if people will react, or worried that people will listen to me
talk about it and think I am a dafty or nut. I never expected talking about
something that makes so much sense to be so intimidating to bring up.
There was originally a question or two in there, but it's turned into a bit
of a ramble. I guess I need some opinions on how I'm thinking, feeling
and my thoughts on poly, but I find it hard to put it all into words.
Thanks for reading,
Fuzzy
now, about 6 or so years now. I first encountered polyamory when I was
in my early twenties, when I met an amazing woman called J. She was
beautiful, Intense, passionate and so very caring. She was also married
to an absolutely great guy (whom I knew), in a successful poly
relationship, and she wanted me to be one of her secondary partners.
I had to turn her down. I had no problem with poly relationships and
could even see the ways a poly relationship would be better suited to
me. But I was also all too painfully aware that I was young, immature,
insecure and emotional. I have always been very self-aware and knew
that I wouldn't be suited to it, much as I might have wanted to it would
have been irresponsible of me to get involved back then.
I was 24 back then. I am now 36 and have grown, matured, loved, lost,
been single for 4/5 years at a time and been badly burned a few times
too. I regret nothing. I've learned so much in the time from experiences
past.
I met another girl later who was poly, in about 2006. She and her
primary partner's relationship had broken down a fair bit, I believe, and
they decided that poly would be the best course of action for them, and
we talked about the reasons why. The conversation was something that
resonated very strongly with me, in that she had aspects of her
personality that he couldn't understand, and things choices that she
needed in that he wasn't interested in. This reminded me of some of
my issues with past partners with interests such as BDSM, where my
orientation wasn't compatible with my partner's, but even more so were
social, intellectual and other needs that either a partner couldn't provide
for me, and also that I couldn't provide for them, and in this respect poly
made sense. (But thinking that way made me feel like I was being selfish.)
I met someone recently and was and am a bit swept off my feet by her.
Long story short, she is poly and bi (it's a bit more convoluted than that). She
is completely honest and caring and I trust her completely. We have
had many conversations about relationships, how things work, as opposed
to how they should work, and polyamory. She said, with poly as her primary
default state, that her partners would have to accept that they would be
sharing her. I realized it just makes so much sense and it's a big part
of who she is, and has probably contributed towards why she is so honest
and communicative. But if we went forward (and I am not saying that's in
the cards), her happiness is very important to me. I can't describe why,
but it all makes sense, not just for her, but me, too.
So as you can probably read, I am fairly convinced already, so why am I
worried and why have I never attempted it before? And if things don't
go ahead, will I still decide poly is for me? I worry because I am still a
little insecure as a person, but am kind of past the whole jealousy thing--
it's more reassurance that I'm loved. I struggle to communicate my needs
and concerns, even these days, when all grown up. If my family found
out, which is likely, they might not understand, and in fact, I imagine my
brother, who would be most likely to find out, would likely be
among my biggest detractors, even though he'd probably respect me
quietly for making my choice and living my life.
More I think it's that
monogamy has been so ingrained in my life and it's hard to jump. Maybe
it's time to close my eyes and jump. I often wonder how people found poly
and if they struggled reconciling what they want to do with how they
have been brought up, and how they got past it. The reason that it's taken
me 6 years of consideration is because I've never known how to approach
it, not known if people will react, or worried that people will listen to me
talk about it and think I am a dafty or nut. I never expected talking about
something that makes so much sense to be so intimidating to bring up.
There was originally a question or two in there, but it's turned into a bit
of a ramble. I guess I need some opinions on how I'm thinking, feeling
and my thoughts on poly, but I find it hard to put it all into words.
Thanks for reading,
Fuzzy
