New to polyamory, mixed feelings

[MrsStanley]

Hi everyone. I am new here and also new to the entire poly world, really. I have read to the point my eyes hurt, thought until I passed out, and really am at a loss. I need advice, otherwise I really don't know how long I can handle all of it.

So here is the story. My husband Bill and I have been together for eight years, married for two, and have two young children. Before our kids were born our relationship was a roller coaster. He is a very unemotional, quiet, "I don't care what anyone thinks and my thoughts are for only me" sort of guy. I am a "talk about everything, have to know what you are feeling, wanting, etc.," sort of woman, who's believed in monogamy all her life.

He was raised differently than I was, more openly, with many more freedoms and experiences than myself. In a way, I feel inadequate often, because he has experienced so much in his life, both romantically and otherwise, where I have always been simple and played it safe.

Fast forward to our daughter's birth, I found out that Bill had cheated on me a year before, that he had explicit conversations with other women. So things got rough. Intimately there was really nothing. I was bored, not satisfied in the relationship in any form, and felt that I was stuck. After some time, we talked about threesomes or swinging. I actually was the first one to suggest an open marriage, though I said it knowing very little about it at all.

I don't think I could be with anyone sexually in front of the man I love.

Bill has this old friend, Iona, from years back. They had been an item for awhile, then stopped, for whatever reason. Well, I became sort of friends with Iona. She got into a bad place. Bill and I offered her to come here to stay while she got back on her feet. Open marriage came up again after being a shelved topic for a long time, and our new roommate was suggested, again, by me, in an effort to make my husband happy. I knew then that she loved him, but I was not ready for the incoming slew of emotions.

Here is the main issue.

After I suggested her, they talked, Iona and I talked, and we established our own rules. There were a few I made clear multiple times that needed to be done.

1. No sex in the house I share with my husband. This is my sanctuary.
2. If love becomes a factor (becomes mutual, I meant, since I already knew she had love for him) I needed to be told, and it was something we would all need to talk about. The only way I can deal with things is to talk about them.

Honestly, I wanted a way to end it sooner than later, and hoped that one of the rules would be broken. Another thing Bill and I agreed to privately was that if one of us became too uncomfortable to deal, we would end it, and try again when we felt it was right.

Fast forward 3 weeks. Iona has arrived, moved in, and we are all really awkward all the time. So I suggest we all go out to dinner and really talk out all the issues or worries we all have to ease the tension. On this night, Bill said he doesn't believe in marriage, that she and he had been in love with each other all these years; that he hasn't been in love with me for a long time; that if I didn't let him do this our marriage would be over.

I felt so betrayed by them both.

All I wanted was total honesty.

On top of that, they text all the time, and for me to ask about it is apparently bad, but I want to understand their relationship better. He is a different man with her.

Sorry this is horribly long. lol. I'm really having trouble.

So now it has been almost two months since her arrival. I have felt forced into breaking all the rules we had. They have been intimate in our home, they have lied and kept things from me. All Bill seems to want is more time with her. I get sent upstairs and told not to interrupt. When I know they are being intimate my heart races; I get physically ill, have overwhelming fear; and catch myself opening doors to hear if they are or not.

At the same time, when he comes and gets me, or calls me back into the house, so to speak, I cant help but be incredibly turned on by it all. When he tells me things about their time together, or intimate things I ask about, I just want to hear more. It has helped our intimate relationship greatly. But at the same time, my emotions feel like they are turmoil endlessly. I get butterflies just seeing them sit next to each other.

I have huge jealousy issues with it all. I am very territorial. I feel so much like I am nothing more than a person in his life. While he loves me, he is in love with her. He desires her and her company much more than my own.

I am trying all I can to be supportive. In all honesty, I do hope some day it can be just me and him happily. I feel like if I don't I would have willingly given up my life, but if I do I am compromising who I am as a woman and a wife. I am so different just in a month's time. I really don't know how long I can continue to change for him, to make him happy, before I buckle.

 

[BoringGuy]

Okay, so... this is your home, and you get "sent upstairs and told not to interrupt" while they fuck?

Please, someone else around here take this one and dissect it. There is so much in this story that puts me beside myself. I do not know where to start. I can't seem to get past the "send me upstairs" and "don't interrupt."

 

[SEcondary]

Hi everyone. I am new here and also new to the entire poly world really. I have read to the point my eyes hurt, thought until I passed out and really am at a loss. I need advice, otherwise I really don't know how long I can handle all of it...

I think you are poly friendly. It turns you on hearing about them having sex. I am the same way. I love hearing my wife moan with her lover. She loves him and he's well hung. Much bigger than me. Please give it time. It's called compersion.

 

[ThatGirlInGray]

I actually was the first one to suggest an open marriage., though I said it knowing very little about it at all.

Unfortunate, but we're human. We often say things not realizing all the information/possible ramifications.

He and I offered her to come here to stay while she got back on her feet. Open marriage came up again... and our new roommate was suggested (by me) in an effort to make my husband happy. I knew then that she loved him, but I was not ready for the incoming slew of emotions.

Commendable of you to try to help her, but introducing a new roommate plus an open marriage was likely too much adjustment all at once. Hindsight is 20/20 and all that, but if you wouldn't move in with some right after you started dating them, why would you start dating them right after they've moved in?

After I suggested her [we all] talked and we established rules. There were a few I made clear multiple times that it needed to be done. 1. No sex in the house I share with my husband. This is my sanctuary. 2. If love becomes a factor... I needed to be told.

Were these agreements written down? What were discussed as consequences if these agreements were broken? If the agreement was that his relationship with her would end, it certainly sounds like he is not honoring his agreements.

Honestly, I wanted a way to end it sooner than later, and hoped that one of the rules would be broken.

Sounds like you got your wish, but it didn't play out the way you wanted. This is one of the problems with agreeing to something you don't truly want. (Not trying to get on a high horse, but this realization may affect how you decide to deal with the current situation.)

Another thing my husband and I agreed to privately is that if one of us became too uncomfortable to deal, that we would end it, and try again when we felt it was right.

So has he been reminded of this private agreement? Has he conveniently forgotten it, or is he at least honest about the fact that he no longer agrees to this?

She has arrived, moved in, and we are all really awkward all the time... My husband said he doesn't believe in marriage; she and he had been in love with each other for all these years; he hasn't been in love with me for a long time; if I didn't let him do this our marriage would be over. I felt so betrayed by them both. all I wanted was total honesty. On top of that they text all the time and for me to ask about it is apparently bad, but I want to understand their relationship better. He is a different man with her.

Too fast, all the way around! It doesn't sound like they have any interest in respecting you, but if they did they'd slow way the hell down. Keeping aspects of their relationship private is fine, but not wanting you to ask at all and not being willing to reassure you is not fine.

I have felt forced into breaking all the "rules" we had; they have been intimate in our home; they have lied and kept things from me; and all my husband seems to want is more time with her. I get sent upstairs and told not to interrupt.

Have you told him "No, I'm not leaving. This is my house and I can be where I want. You guys can leave if you want alone time"? If so, what is his response? It sounds like you are still being overly accommodating.

Dealing with your reactions to them being intimate versus feeling turned on by it is a problem for later. First, you all need to work out if they're even capable of (and willing to!) putting the brakes on the NRE and having this relationship in a way that is still considerate and respectful of you.

I realize you have kids together. I'm sure that is one reason you do not want to put your foot down about the way he's treating you. But he is not practicing ethical non-monogamy and that can be detrimental to kids. They will not be helped by watching Dad walk all over Mom while Mom is miserable and not speaking up for herself.

If he is unwilling to listen to you at all, this might not do any good, but perhaps ask him if he's willing to register here and provide his side of the story. That can be far more illuminating and helpful, in the end, than just getting one perspective.

 

[GalaGirl]

I see you have been hurt, and your needs have not met by Bill, in the "roller coaster and cheating" past. It's a lot, I am sure. I am so sorry. It sounds like you want to be seen and loved by Bill in the way you want to be loved. You have tried to meet his wants, needs and limits, hoping that in turn, he would be more willing to meet your wants, needs and limits. But this is not the case.

The bottom line is this:

I really don't know how long I can continue to change for him to make him happy before I buckle.

This is where you are in the present, today.
You are unhappy now.
You are at your limit of tolerance.

There is meeting his reasonable wants, needs, and limits, and then there is going over the top to the point where yourown wants, needs, and limits are not being met by you even. Waiting longer to get well beyond your limit is not good. Could you honor your own limits of tolerance?

What are your needs, so that you can enjoy a more peaceful and content life? Are you safe there? Something about the way you write your stuff strikes a weird vibe. I could be wrong. It could just be me.

If you are not happy staying, and the previous incarnation of your marriage was being with a guy who cheats, does not meet your needs for emotional intimacy and connection, and leaves you feeling like this...

Intimately there was really nothing. I was bored, not satisfied in the relationship in any form, and felt that I was stuck.

... perhaps this is an opportunity to think about a new life, to leave him with her and walk away.

But since some of this also sounds really weird to me, I'll gently suggest you also take a gander at these tactics of power and control.

I certainly hope you are not being abused in other ways you have not yet shared, but if you are, maybe it is time to call it what it is. Are you experiencing some of these other things from him too? Sometimes if you live with weird so long it becomes "my normal" so you don't even know how odd it is. If you find you have a lot highlighted on there.

Perhaps you want to think about reaching out for aid to leave a marriage where you are feeling this unhappy?

Please take care and be careful. At the very least, he is not sound respectful of your limits or honest. At the worst... oy.

Remember that even if you are being poorly treated right now, you DO have worth, dignity and value.
Try to treat yourself so and choose self-respecting behavior. And try to stay safe and look out for yourself, to be mentally safe, emotionally safe, physically safe, spiritually safe.

Hang in there,
Galagirl

 

[MrsStanley]

Omg, so many responses already! Thank you all for giving me such honest replies.

Okay, so, girlingrey: yes, the agreements were written down on paper, which I still have. Originally the agreement said that if any rule was broken, all bets were off and it ends. When it all hit the fan and I mentioned that, Bill made it clear that he would not stop seeing her. He said ignorance is bliss and he would just say he was working late. I have asked him to slow things down a bit, and allow me more adjustment time, given such huge changes in a close proximity. He says he will try, then the next day it seems to be something else.

As for the speed of their relationship, it seems so fast because they have been private thing for years, been in love with each other without my knowing. I would have never suggested Iona, had I known Bill was in love with her. It's like she is all he thinks about, talks about, and pays attention to.

Galagirl: first, no, Bill is not mean to me in other ways. Physically is what I assume you meant. No. I would open up a can of whoop-ass. lol. Even Iona told me if she were in my shoes she would leave him, which seems odd, considering she is willingly in a relationship with him, knowing what it does to me.

That's not to say he is not making ANY effort at all, because he is. But it is not near what I need. To be honest, I don't know what all I do need. It is an overwhelming emotional turmoil, yet hugely intimate, and probably the most honest kind of relationship I've ever had.

 

[GalaGirl]

I did not mean just physically. I also meant mind games, emotional games, other kinds of behaviors than hitting. If he punched you, it would be a more obvious "This is crap treatment!" to you.

The other more subtle things are sometimes hard to pinpoint. It is not one thing alone. Anyone can have a bad day, even in a healthy relationship. But a big group of things, a lot of the time, could grow to be a bigger problem.

Telling the difference between a healthy relationship and an unhealthy one-- Just trying to give you some links in case you need them. If it turns out you do not need them and I misperceived the situation, then I am relieved. Nobody deserves bad treatment.

He said ignorance is bliss and he would just say he was working late.

I am not comfortable with him telling you he will lie to you to get his way. This is not trust-building respectful behavior from him toward you and your marriage, so that you can feel reassured, respected and safe here in the marriage to him, right?

To be honest, I don't know what all I do need.

Again, you could take a peek at the list of behaviors for power/control tactics with a highlighter. It breaks each grouping of behaviors into different categories. The "physical bucket" is only one group out many. Weird behavior is not always of the hitting, slapping, punching kind. There are mind games, power games, isolation, sex, money, kids, denial, blame -- many other categories for the behaviors.

It could help you zero in in your needs and what you need improved, because if facing a blank sheet of paper and going "Write my needs down" is sometimes harder than picking things off a checklist. "This applies to me. This does not apply." To be able to NAME the behavior you would like changed in a quicker way if you cannot articulate well at this point in time from "blank sheet" approach.

Certainly the lying thing is not cool behavior, right? You'd like that changed?

Even Iona says that in your shoes she would leave him. Even she is seeing he treats you differently than her. Some behaviors of his are objectionable. This "less than" treatment is not kind. You are a person, not a thing.

GG

 

[dragonflysky]

.He is a very unemotional, quiet, }I don't care what anyone thinks and my thoughts are for only me" sort of guy... .

Umm... and you really expected this was going to change when he got into a poly relationship? Regardless of what he agreed to, initially, with you, he had NEVER exhibited the type of open communication you desired, saw no value in it, saw no need to apologize or try and change it. He seems to be consistent with how he's always been with you, UNFORTUNATELY.

 

[DeFelle]

Allow me to add my limited insights into the matter.

You do indeed seem to be poly friendly, and maybe even more given better circumstances. However, he is currently not giving you any of the respect and attention you deserve. I feel like you are being taken for granted, and tossed around like a plaything. This is still your marriage, and if he doesn't respect that, and soon, I think it would indeed be safer to take your distance, and, if needed, end it altogether.

This does not mean that he should break up with her, if he can add her into your marriage in a respectful manner, in a way you can agree with. As you said, you can get aroused by the situation, and this can also strengthen your relationship. But that can't happen at the expense of it's foundations. Maybe the damage of the past couple of months is too severe, then he might have to slow down, or even take a step back, permanently if need be. If he can't do that, he doesn't respect you, and you will have some tough choices to make.

 

[Marcus]

He is a very unemotional, quiet, "I don't care what anyone thinks and my thoughts are for only me" sort of guy. I am a "talk about everything, have to know what you are feeling, wanting" sort of woman.

This is a big, legitimate, glaring issue with relationships. The talker (you) is always going to be perceived as badgering the quiet one (Bill). The quiet one probably finds it annoying and a constant energy drain on them (if they are introverted, which I expect is the case), being forced to keep up with the talker who seems to have a never-ending tank of tenacity when it comes to talking on a topic.

Not only that, but even when the quiet one does have something they need to discuss, they are hesitant to bring it up. The reason for this is that they don't want to be drawn into what they perceive to be an overly in-depth conversation about it.

These two personality types are always going to have friction and need to come up with some healthy coping mechanisms, if they can.

Intimately there was really nothing. I was bored, not satisfied in the relationship in any form, and felt that I was stuck.

I can't help but be incredibly turned on by it all. When he tells me things about their time together or intimate things I ask about I just want to hear more.

Some people take this to mean that you are "poly friendly." I couldn't disagree more. This means nothing more than that you have a healthy sex drive and are turned on by sexual situations. The fact that this is followed up with feelings of jealousy tells me that you are, in fact, not poly friendly. You sound very definitely monogamous and are vehemently against your partner being anything but monogamous.

Open marriage came up again after being a shelved topic for a long time, and our new roommate was suggested (by me) in an effort to make him happy

This motivation for action is confused, at best. You have suggested something to him that you seem to be fundamentally against. I would put this no higher than self-sabotage. Disregarding your own values to sate the sex drive of someone else erodes respect; respect that he has for you and that you have for yourself.

... if I didn't let him do this, our marriage would be over.

No doubt some of my comrades will look at this and decide that your husband is a selfish bully and that you are a helpless babe caught up in his web of abuse. No matter how you slice it, he is not responsible for the decisions you make! You suggested this arrangement, you decided to bring this into your life. I don't mean to badger you, but I hope that you will take responsibility for your life and your decisions, so that you can grow from these mistakes.

I honestly wanted a way to end it sooner than later, and hoped that one of the rules would be broken.

In the biz we call this a "trap."

Bill said he doesn't believe in marriage, that he and she had been in love with each other for all these years, that he hasn't been in love with me for a long time.

This one tops it all off. The guy doesn't love you, and took the time to tell you that he hasn't for some time. He bosses you around like you're a nuisance, lies to you because he doesn't want to deal with telling you the truth... seriously?

I'm sure you are a nice enough person, but there comes a time when a person needs to cowboy up and get on with their lives. There is a difference between being nice and being a doormat. You are not being nice by bending to his will every time he has a fancy - you are being a doormat.