New to polyamory, pls help

[Gingerqueen]

Okay so, I really want you to be honest and open with me, and help me in any way you can.

I am 21 and bisexual. I have always favored males, but I have really connected with several girls.

I recently got involved with a couple who have been together for three years. I have been friends with both of them for a very long time. It started out as just the three of us fooling around and then turned into the guy asking for me to be in a relationship with them.

This is my first foray into polyamory, and while I really like some aspects of it, I am having a hard time dealing with some of it. I am very quickly falling madly in love with the guy, but while I adore her, I'm not having as much of an emotional connection with her, and it makes me feel really guilty. I sort of feel like I shouldn't care about him as much as I do, because he was hers first. Also I am struggling with some minor jealousy.

She has also started treating me differently. She has been kind of cold and snappy with me. I think she might be a little hurt by the amount of time he and I have been spending together. It worries me that he is gonna break up with me because of the fact that she is getting upset. I also am having trouble with feeling "second best."

Honestly, I care about both of them so much. I really want this to work out. Reading this site has shown me that these relationships can be long term and wonderful. I just need help getting used to it.

 

[Quath]

I think the first thing to understand is that you can't force your relationship with her. It should fall into its place on its own. I think the reason many triads fail is because of the insistence that everyone try to love everyone equally.

Polyamory works mostly by communication. You should be able to bring up your feelings to her. You feelings for her may wax and or wane over time.

She should understand about NRE (new relationship energy). It is a pro and a con of polyamory. Understanding that helps many people deal with jealousy, since it lasts 6-12 months on average (longer for long-distance relationships).

It's fine if you feel jealousy, but it is a symptom of deeper feelings. Try to figure out what makes you "jealous." Is it a fear of losing him? Is it envy at how much time they have together? Once you know that, you can focus on the central issue.

It would help if everyone involved read up on polyamory, or got involved in the poly community (locally and/or online). That way they can have access to others who live like you and seek advice on similar issues.

 

[AnnabelMore]

Have they ever done poly-dating before?
Is it okay with them if you have other partners?

It is unrealistic to expect relationships (of any kind) with different people to develop in the same way, at the same rate, so it's perfectly okay that you're falling for him more than her. It's okay to be involved with both of them, but only have a dating-type relationship with one of them. You don't need to be "their" girlfriend. And if the idea was to be in a romantic relationship, not just have sex, then of course it's okay for you to feel strongly for him.

However, it sounds like she may be uncomfortable with how fast things are moving. What is called for here is a big, honest, serious, sit-down talk, maybe with just you and her first, and then all three, if you. Get it all out in the open. She doesn't need to be ashamed if this is shaping up much differently than what she expected and it's causing her problems. But they can't get addressed unless they're brought to light.

I get that it's scary to bring this stuff up, for fear he'll end up leaving you. But if it's just allowed to simmer under the surface, it'll boil over into an explosion sooner or later, and it'll be worse than if it was dealt with early. Talking now is your best chance for this to continue.

It might be really helpful for all three of you to read this. (There's lots of other great stuff on this site, as well): http://www.morethantwo.com/coupledating.html

 

[hummingbird]

I agree with what's been said here, and I'd like to add one more caveat: the fact that she's started behaving differently towards you might be because the relationship between him and you is moving quickly (possibly more quickly than she'd thought it would), or it might have absolutely nothing to do with you. And the thing is, a conversation between the three of you is essential to work this out.

If she says, "This is something in my life unrelated to you," then you should believe her until proven that she is intentionally misleading you. Relationships are always evolving, and this may just be the start of a new cycle of evolution.

Good luck.