Newbies -- please help us

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utahcouple0122

New member
Hi group.

We are a couple in our early 40's, married over 20 years, with deep love and strong commitment to each other and motivation to make our marriage work. We are desperate for balanced and fair information about this lifestyle and whether it is our answer. Please help.

background: I've (male side of the couple) been diagnosed as a sex addict, have been to numerous therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, outpatient programs, group therapy, 12 steps, religious counseling for the last 20 years. I quit and restart, quit and restart. I basically decided to stop trying to quit the addiction (or is it even an addiction? that can be a topic for another thread I guess) and just "manage" it, do what I want or feel compelled to do but in a way that minimizes the consequences as much as possible.

background as couple: Not too far into the marriage, sex and intimacy was really damaged by the porn/affairs/relationships that I was doing. I would confess and try again. Wife naturally was very hurt and developed her own issues related to trust, jealousy, feeling not valued, etc. We have done a lot of couples counseling, and that's helped to some degree. This cycle has been playing out over the entire 20 years we've been together. Things came to a head over the last confessional a couple months ago. She had complete compassion and forgiveness but zero tolerance for future indiscretions. We had an amazing and intimate month together and then slowly started slipping to old patterns. I knew I was going to cheat again and since I had promised (and this time meant it), that I would divorce before doing it again, I told her.

So out of this, we both came up with an idea together that if I had these needs I just couldn't satisfy with her, that she would walk the road with me. We would do it together. Maybe we would try wife swapping. Threesomes with guys. Threesomes with girls. Cuckolding/hotwife. Me pursuing other relationships with her knowledge and blessing. We don't know exactly how it will work, but we are going to give it a shot together.

Doing our initial research, it seems scary. A lot of potential negative consequences.

--she (or I) will become jealous
--std's/pregnancy
--our sexual interest in each other will diminish as we seek out others
--we will lose respect for each other
--stalkers, dangerous people
--she (or I) can fall in love with someone else
--her bitterness that there could have been a better/easier solution

I'm primarily worried about the emotional issues like jealousy or our affection for each other being affected. And I'm primarily worried about her. I'm not worried about the emotional issues for me because I've already slept with dozens of other women, some physical only some were very emotionally intimate and long term, and so I'm pretty sure I understand the affect it will have on me. The hotwife/cuckold thing turns me on, so I don't think I'll be jealous or freak out about her doing other men.

I don't think the typical anecdotes relate to my wife either, because she's already experienced all the pain and jealousy of adultery over and over. I know it will be very hard for her, but I think it's different from the average swinger remorse anecdote.

Please help and provide suggestions. Am I lying to myself that this is a good idea? What do I need to watch from her to see if she's doing it for healthy reasons? How do I know I'm not manipulating her? Everyone thinks they're unique; am I overplaying the uniqueness of our situation in ignoring many of the anti-polyamory anecdotes? If we want to do this, how do we get started? What's a good plan to start slow and test the waters?

The thing that we both like as we have talked about this over the last few days is how intimate and close we feel that I'm actually sharing EVERYTHING, no secrets for the first time ever, and she's not controlling me for the first time everything, and we both feel so loved right now.
 
I think a good first step is to establish what each of you want out of this.

There is always the possibility of falling for someone else or falling out of love with each other. I would say, however, if she has stuck with you through as much as she has then I'd be inclined to think she's pretty devoted to you.
 
Hi Couple!

Polyamory and Open relationships are scary business! But they're also intensely rewarding. I think nothing can change your life as profoundly as realizing that there is room in your heart to love more freely.

When you try opening your relationship, you are right to want to be cautious. The concerns you mentioned are valid and you should talk about them with your wife as openly as possible until you both feel satisfied with what you come up with. Satisfied won't necessarily mean that you are not afraid of what will happen or that you have a plan for every contingency, but it will mean that you and your wife are confident that your actions in the various circumstances will be taken out of love.

utahcouple0122 said:
--she (or I) will become jealous
--std's/pregnancy
--our sexual interest in each other will diminish as we seek out others
--we will lose respect for each other
--stalkers, dangerous people
--she (or I) can fall in love with someone else
--her bitterness that there could have been a better/easier solution
Click to expand...

Regarding jealousy: yup. Gonna happen. Lots of polyamorists struggle with jealousy. The key here is to remember that jealousy is a sign that your needs are not being met. You should try to understand what need is being neglected and communicate it to yourself first, and then to your partner. Sometimes just being aware of it is enough to ease the sting. Sometimes it's something you can't handle alone. In that case you should ask your wife (or she should ask you) to help satisfy that need.

STDs and pregnancy are best handled with condoms. Polyamorists sometimes establish a fluid bond which is a group of people who are aware of their sexual health and what infectious disease they do or do not carry and who agree to take precautions outside of the group to prevent a disease being shared with the rest. That is probably pretty far down the line for you. In the beginning I would recommend you and your wife both get tested for HIV, HSV, HPV, gonorrhea, syphilis, chlamidia and hepatitis. Then you should commit to using condoms for all fluid exchanges outside of your marriage. If you find a third who you like and trust and want to keep around, then it's appropriate to talk about going without protection.

That said, sex is risky and even with the best of precautions, diseases and babies can happen. What will you do then? How will you feel if your wife gets pregnant by another man? Will you keep the baby? How will she feel? You should talk about these possibilities with your wife until you feel comfortable with the risk.

Regarding your sexual interest in each other, it is unlikely it will fade. There may be a time where you are less interested in each other than in your new partners. This is nothing to worry about. Sexuality waxes and wanes throughout our lives. Studies show, however that women are often turned on by novelty and that their arousal can spread to other people, which means it could come back to you in the form of increased desire. Men are also energized by variety with increased testosterone levels coinciding with just flirting with a different woman. There's also some evidence that suggests that a short absence of your wife (such as on a date with someone else) could peak your attraction to her.

Falling in love with other people? Total possibility. This is just a risk of polyamory. But it doesn't have to be a bad thing. Think of it like this: if you and your wife stay together through sheer force of will, will you be happy? Can you call your feelings to each other true love? How much happier will you be if you both take off the binds, fall in love and experience the thrill of the New and Shiny, only to realize in a few months that your hearts truest desire was there waiting for you the whole time? Maybe you won't realize that. Maybe you'll realize that you're not really in love with each other any more. You won't know unless you try.


The thing that we both like as we have talked about this over the last few days is how intimate and close we feel that I'm actually sharing EVERYTHING, no secrets for the first time ever, and she's not controlling me for the first time everything, and we both feel so loved right now.
Click to expand...

This is what matters the most! Everything else is just fear of the unknown. Trust this.
 
Did you need links?

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles

http://www.serolynne.com/polyamory.htm

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

There are many others but those are just some.


Could examine your bullet list of risks. Were they not there already in your life when you were cheating? Or there but not openly articulated and acknowledged? What makes it different now that you consider open marriage and dating others with spouse openly knowing about it? Could it be how you handle them as the arise? The change in communication between you becoming more honest and open? What behaviors are serving you both well right now? What behaviors did not in the past?

You list outcomes like not wanting to lose respect for each other, but do not specify the behaviors to keep doing to increase or maintain respect or behavior to avoid to prevent decrease in respect. Could talk and flesh all that out a bit more. What does respect mean to each of you? He would you want partner to demonstrate respect toward you? Each bullet item could be examined more closely that way.

Keep talking, reading. Sort yourselves out.

GL!

Galagirl
 
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