Non-Monogamy to Poly

[Treatmyheart]

Hello,

This is my first post. My partner and I are currently in a non-monogamous relationship and have been for a while. It has worked, and neither of us have had encounters that lasted more than 4-6 months. Because of that, neither of us has "fallen" for anyone else and it's all remained light and fun. Until now.

I have recently started a new arrangement with someone I very much like. While this is great, it's entirely new for me and I am not sure how to navigate it. I would like to spend time with this new person in areas outside of the bedroom. I am concerned about how to open this conversation up with my partner for fear that they will feel jealous and ultimately not want me to continue on with this other person. While I understand that jealousy is normal, I love my partner more than anything and do not want to hurt them. Will I hurt them by being honest about new feelings? Perhaps.

I am interested in knowing anyone else's stories of transition from a sexually open/non monogamous relationship to one that is more poly and emotionally open.
Thank you.

 

[Shaya]

Hi,

Welcome to the forums. I'm new to polyamory but from what I've seen, transitioning from some form of consensual non-monogamy that does not involve feelings (eg BDSM, kink, swinging) to polyamory seems to be less rough than transitioning from monogamy straight to polyamory. So you have a leg-up on most people.

Having said that, depending on the personality of your original partner, it's still likely to hurt. I think it always does, when your loved one professes feelings for someone else unexpectedly and wants to change the rules of your relationship for the benefit of a third party. I think your partner is likely to feel that you care more for your emotions for this third party than you do about the rules of your relationship. I'm too new to poly to be of help sorry, but others might.

Maybe the book "more than two" might be appropriate for you. You may find "Opening up" by tristan taormino and this article to be useful, but my suspicion is you and your partner may already know the contents of those resources back to front.

Finally, based on absolutely no experience of mine whatsoever, but I suspect letting him know your wishes is the healthiest thing to do, since he is likely to suspect anyway and coming out front and saying it to him shows trust. I would follow this up with empathy to show that you understand how this hurts him, and saying that you understand that your feelings are crossing a line that might hurt your relationship. Give him the love and support he feels he is likely to lose if he consents to polyamory and prove to him you can love 2 people just as fiercely as you can love 1. As he comes to believe this because of your loving actions, he may have a change of heart, out of love for you, to give you what you desire. The key here is that the progress to polyamory happens with his consent and at his speed. Humans are funny creatures. When we believe we have control over the situation, we tend to be happier in going forward. In summary, my suggestion would be honesty, open disclosure of your feelings, empathy, proving your love to him, and giving him control over the speed and direction that your feelings are pointing you towards.

Good luck!
-Shaya.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Treatmyheart,

I tend to agree with Shaya, be honest and upfront with your partner, while being as loving as you can. I don't personally have the kind of experience you seek, but I do have a lot of time logged in on poly forums, so I know of other people's experiences. One thing I've observed is that you can't always forbid feelings from happening, sometimes they happen even if you don't want them. So I'm not surprised to hear that you're developing feelings for this new person. Don't be afraid to accept and own those feelings.

I hope everything posted here so far is helpful.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[anamikanon]

Hey treatmyheart, congratulations on having two partners you love.... and thus the resulting problems.

I think you don't really have a choice but to explain your feelings for your new partner to your existing partner. The good news is that it doesn't have to happen immediately. You are in a relationship. This is known to your partner. Unless you have one of those agreements where you cannot have "feelings" for new partners and such, you're fine. At least for the near future.

So rather than go overboard and overshare and get into a whole drama of jealousy and what not - which you seem to see as potential in spite of being in an open relationship - why not ease into it?

Talk more with your partner, spend time with her, pay attention to her. Talk to her a lot more about this new partner than you normally do about others. Any smart woman will notice that straight off the bat when it comes to her lover, but the fact that it is HER you are telling all this to also counts. Do that for a while. Talk more about her. Bring up meeting her on occasion because you like her so much. Take it one small step at a time.

If you understand that while your partner feels loved, she's unlikely to feel insecure, you know what to do, while introducing her to your new feelings.