Not sure how to title this

E

ElMango

Member
So, I have realized something about myself.

While I am comfortable having sexual relationships with other women, I almost knee-jerk emotionally pull away slightly any time I can get closer.

My husbands are supportive but ultimately this is my issue to fix and I want to be able to experience this with women as well.

When I lived at home as a trem, I never had the chance to date women at all. My mother is extremely biphobic and homophobic. All i could "get away" with was fooling around with other women.

It's like it's a skill? I never developed without realizing it.

I'm wondering if this has happened to others? How they got past it?
 
How are you with female friends?
 
Hi ElMango,

You seem to be saying that you are fine with having sex with other women, but not so much fine with getting emotionally involved with those women. You say that you pull away from them. In what way do you pull away? Do you communicate less with them? Do you pull away physically? start seeing them less? etc.

Maybe you are bisexual, but not biamorous. Is that possible? although you seem to want to have emotional relationships with those women, you just don't know how to prevent yourself from pulling away. Perhaps that is something to discuss with them early on in the relationship? like, let them know that you have a tendency to pull away when things get emotional, and that you don't mean to do that.

Just some quick thoughts.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
In what way do you pull away? Do you communicate less with them? Do you pull away physically? start seeing them less? etc.
Click to expand...

It's like I freeze. I maintain the status quo; but when the chances come to deepen the relationship I freeze. Pulling away may have been the wrong word choice.

It's like I can see where I am as point A, and point B is a relationship that has both sex and romance but it's like I don't know HOW to get there. I have all the ingredients, but no recipe so to speak.

Vicki82 said:
How are you with female friends?
Click to expand...

I have always had more male/male presenting friends than female/female presenting friends until adulthood. (But, I do enjoy being female presenting myself. )
I'm honestly someone who takes a lot of time to 100% open up my emotions and shit with anyone.
 
Perhaps when you freeze, you could say to the other person, "I'm having a reaction right now. It's nothing you caused, it's me. I want to have a closer emotional relationship with you, but I don't know how to do that. It's something I never learned." Getting closer to someone emotionally is, after all, a result of making yourself vulnerable to the other person. Sometimes that means admitting that you don't know what to do. Does that make sense?
 
That makes perfect sense, thank you Kevin!
 
Why do you need to develop this skill?

I have a cis male friend who is poly and would have sex with men but relationships with women. Over time and as the world became more "woke", he realised that some unconscious bias against homosexuality was likely to be at play. His reaction to this epiphany wasn't to beat himself up about his latent homophobia but to accept it because we all have prejudices based on societal conditioning. He continued to have sexual encounters with men and in discussion, would readily admit that homophobia was probably the reason why he never sought men on dating sites for relationships etc despite being listed as bisexual.

One day he met a man who became a friend with benefits. At first it was a thing where they would only have sex in play party type environments, but began to spend time together "as friends". Eventually they realised they were dating. But even after months they still hadn't had sex away from the group activities until one day, after a good night out, it just happened.

Now they are new partners and embracing that label. My friend would have said that he wasn't attracted to men in that way and he would never have a male partner. Acknowledging his homophobia without pressuring himself to change seems to have done the trick.
 
Why not make friends with women and see where it goes? Then hopefully you'll have developed some of that emotional intimacy before it proceeds to a sexual level.

I tend to be closer with men as well, but I have some wonderful women friends now who I treasure.
 
Thanks guys!
 
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