What makes you think that the OP feels her husband is dishonest to her, other than the fact that he freaked when she said he must have an STD test after every sexual encounter with a cheating woman? I would freak if someone said that about a segment of my partners and so would the people I am seeing. All she has to do is trust that her husband will always use condoms. She doesn't have to trust the woman at all to be fair. Certainly no more than she would have to trust that I do what I say I do in regards to safer sex.
Not wanting to micromanage, but... (dating a cheater)
- Thread starter Arabella
- Start date
Dagferi
Well-known member
I am only sleeping with my mono boyfriend and my husband. If my husband has sexual contact of any kind, oral or PIV, with a new partner, even if he uses a condom, yes, he will. But he's only recently started dating others. He required the same of me. I have been his only partner since 2000. My boyfriend has been tested, too.
I have only had two sexual partners in a decade. If something pops up, I picked it up in only two possible places.
I have only had two sexual partners in a decade. If something pops up, I picked it up in only two possible places.
Last edited:
YouAreHere
Well-known member
I wonder if maybe she's questioning his judgment in general, in having sex with someone who's being dishonest with her husband. (OP, please set me straight if I'm wrong).
Regardless, I'm not out to change your mind about how you conduct your life, London, and I probably won't have any earth-shattering changes on how I conduct mine today, either. I think our discussion here illustrates that we can be all over the map with our comfort levels. The OP and her husband need to be able to at least reach some sort of agreement, or this is going to be a nasty sticking point.
So let me get this straight. Say your hubby and I hook up and want to sleep together. Will we both have to have tests? Fair enough. So after we have the tests, get the results (all clear) and sleep together the following weekend using a condom, he will have to have another set of tests to make sure I didn't contract and give him anything in the time between my test and when we are allowed to fuck? And then when we fuck the weekend after that, with a condom, he will have to have another STD test, just because I'm apparently so icky and dirty due to the casual sex I indulge in, and the fact that I actually might risk having protected sex with someone without getting a full STD test?
Dude, I'm telling you now, if I knew you were going to put your husband, my potential partner, through that kind of thing, I wouldn't date him. I couldn't make someone feel so dirty for no apparent scientific reason. That's seriously harsh.
Yeah, I totally get that some people feel extremely strongly about the cheating thing. I've already said that it would be a rule in a relationship of mine that had those kind of primary-style entanglements where any repercussions could impact on both of us. It could well be that, but I guess me being so literal, the deflection to STD risk confuses me. It's perfectly valid to say "no cheaters," and even to say that enabling a cheater by actively cheating with them is unethical, and therefore undesirable. I wouldn't have argued with that at all. That's personal opinion.
Dagferi
Well-known member
Don't worry, London. He wouldn't fuck you, either.
If my husband's girlfriend is out having sex with multiple partners, good for her. If he decides he wants to have sex with her, protected, fine. I don't care. Where do I say I request she be tested? That is between him and her. I only require he be tested. And I will not be fluid bonded with him. People lie. I trust him. She could be lying to him. I don't owe her squat. I stay out of his relationships. I only make decisions for myself.
If my husband's girlfriend is out having sex with multiple partners, good for her. If he decides he wants to have sex with her, protected, fine. I don't care. Where do I say I request she be tested? That is between him and her. I only require he be tested. And I will not be fluid bonded with him. People lie. I trust him. She could be lying to him. I don't owe her squat. I stay out of his relationships. I only make decisions for myself.
I clearly asked if you would want him to be tested between each episode of protected sex with another person. From what I have seen, yes, if your husband starts a relationship with someone who is sleeping with more than one person, you'd want him to have an STD test between every sexual encounter for you to resume the sex life that you are currently enjoying now. You have confirmed that this is just sex-negative discrimination against people who aren't monogamous and/or have casual sex. There is no scientific basis for requiring that level of testing. I understand that it is simply a way of casting judgement on people who have more sex than you.
If your husband had a monogamous girlfriend, it seems that you would trust her word. As if saying that you are monogamous means that you are incapable of breaching trust in the same way someone poly or cheating can. You either trust nobody he sleeps with, and his ability to make sound judgements about other people, or trust that your husband won't put you at unnecessary heightened risk of a sexually transmitted disease. I don't see how someone's relationship orientation makes them less prone to dishonesty.
To me, you may as well forbid him from sleeping with anyone because unless they agree to an exclusive (on their side) closed relationship with your husband, and him only, you will not allow them to enjoy a normal, healthy sex life, he will have a swab pushed up his Jap's eye once a week, and you will also change the way the two of you have sex. That will really be a positive, fulfilling way to enjoy polyamorous relationships.
Does he tell potential partners that they will be expected to be monogamous in order not to cause a negative impact on his marriage, or his penis, for that matter?
Dagferi
Well-known member
I can trust him not to put my health at risk. Do I trust his partner? No. They may be honest, but that doesn't mean their partners are honest with her. I do not partake in casual sex, and choose not to be affected by other's choices.
I have never said monogamous people are better. I am not monogamous. I am the one with multiple partners. I only choose to protect myself. My husband is in his 40s and is a big boy. He makes his own relationship decisions. How am I being discriminatory by no longer wanting to be fluid bonded with my husband if he has another partner? When I started sleeping with Murf, you had better believe I enforced the same rules upon myself. I had several STD tests this past year, and my husband and I used condoms until he was comfortable.
The more people you add sexually, the more risk there is. You are sleeping with everyone else your partner is sleeping with. Condoms just reduce that risk. They do not eliminate it.
I have never said monogamous people are better. I am not monogamous. I am the one with multiple partners. I only choose to protect myself. My husband is in his 40s and is a big boy. He makes his own relationship decisions. How am I being discriminatory by no longer wanting to be fluid bonded with my husband if he has another partner? When I started sleeping with Murf, you had better believe I enforced the same rules upon myself. I had several STD tests this past year, and my husband and I used condoms until he was comfortable.
The more people you add sexually, the more risk there is. You are sleeping with everyone else your partner is sleeping with. Condoms just reduce that risk. They do not eliminate it.
Dagferi
Well-known member
BTW, London, why are you getting all bent out of shape? Never once have I said your lifestyle or choices are wrong, nor have I attacked you for the way you live your life. Yet you seem feel the need to find fault with mine.
Did I miss the memo where you were made the internet poly authority?
Did I miss the memo where you were made the internet poly authority?
Arabella
New member
Okay, let me chime in here for a second.
To be clear, what I had said to my husband was that I was going to require that he get tested after every sexual encounter with this new woman, or at least, the PIV times, because I didn't trust this new woman with the angry husband and probably broken marriage. I said this more to prove a point, something like, "If I don't trust her now, how else can I protect myself? If you want to do that, go ahead, but if you're having PIV sex with me, then I'm gonna need testing done if you've been with her."
However, I totally admit this is unnecessarily restrictive and probably a little mean of me. I regret saying this to him. It wasn't said out of anger, but just trying to logically explain the risk I think I'd be taking because I don't trust who he wants to date.
The last time he dated someone, a few months ago, I remarked that because this woman was cheating, I might want to use a condom with my husband again for whatever the 10-day window is for the big diseases, plus waiting for the results to come back. He considered this, and said that he didn't want to give up the fluid bond that he and I have, and almost offered to not date, if that were the case. We eventually worked out a way for me to be more comfortable with the risk, including meeting the woman, learning more about her marital situation, etc. Not meeting to approve the relationship, of course, just so that I could make my own risk assessment.
We do recognize that condoms don't protect against everything, and for the first 12 months of our poly-ness, my boyfriend was only with his wife (who was sexually monogamous with him) and me, and my husband was sexually monogamous with me, so we had kind of a closed poly thing going on, where the fluid bonding and trust issues weren't a problem. We've both known my boyfriend and his wife for over ten years. I've know them even longer. Trusting them was an acceptable risk for both of us, and vice-versa.
~~~~~~~~
Now that things are changing for both of us, my husband, boyfriend, his wife, and I are re-thinking our safety precautions. My husband is totally fine with getting tested in general, but... Heh. Well. I think we can all agree, getting tested before every time he's with me would just be... ridiculous. We're intimate fairly often. It was a little mean of me to suggest it that way, and to be honest, I'm glad some of you have called me out on that.
My husband and I are fluid bonded, as pregnancy isn't an issue, and like I said, my other partner was only with me and his wife. However, I did think that was a good point, that someone who was openly poly with many partners might also be a large risk (or that they're both minor risks). We haven't encountered anyone like that yet, so I hadn't considered that. Thank you for pointing that out, London.
My view at the time was that a cheater could/would be lying in other areas of their life, as well, and that was a risk I didn't want to take. But this thread is good food for thought, so far. Change is scary to me, so I'm more likely to think of all the bad that could happen in a situation, while my husband is more likely to trust people to a fault.
To be clear, what I had said to my husband was that I was going to require that he get tested after every sexual encounter with this new woman, or at least, the PIV times, because I didn't trust this new woman with the angry husband and probably broken marriage. I said this more to prove a point, something like, "If I don't trust her now, how else can I protect myself? If you want to do that, go ahead, but if you're having PIV sex with me, then I'm gonna need testing done if you've been with her."
However, I totally admit this is unnecessarily restrictive and probably a little mean of me. I regret saying this to him. It wasn't said out of anger, but just trying to logically explain the risk I think I'd be taking because I don't trust who he wants to date.
The last time he dated someone, a few months ago, I remarked that because this woman was cheating, I might want to use a condom with my husband again for whatever the 10-day window is for the big diseases, plus waiting for the results to come back. He considered this, and said that he didn't want to give up the fluid bond that he and I have, and almost offered to not date, if that were the case. We eventually worked out a way for me to be more comfortable with the risk, including meeting the woman, learning more about her marital situation, etc. Not meeting to approve the relationship, of course, just so that I could make my own risk assessment.
We do recognize that condoms don't protect against everything, and for the first 12 months of our poly-ness, my boyfriend was only with his wife (who was sexually monogamous with him) and me, and my husband was sexually monogamous with me, so we had kind of a closed poly thing going on, where the fluid bonding and trust issues weren't a problem. We've both known my boyfriend and his wife for over ten years. I've know them even longer. Trusting them was an acceptable risk for both of us, and vice-versa.
~~~~~~~~
Now that things are changing for both of us, my husband, boyfriend, his wife, and I are re-thinking our safety precautions. My husband is totally fine with getting tested in general, but... Heh. Well. I think we can all agree, getting tested before every time he's with me would just be... ridiculous. We're intimate fairly often. It was a little mean of me to suggest it that way, and to be honest, I'm glad some of you have called me out on that.
My husband and I are fluid bonded, as pregnancy isn't an issue, and like I said, my other partner was only with me and his wife. However, I did think that was a good point, that someone who was openly poly with many partners might also be a large risk (or that they're both minor risks). We haven't encountered anyone like that yet, so I hadn't considered that. Thank you for pointing that out, London.
My view at the time was that a cheater could/would be lying in other areas of their life, as well, and that was a risk I didn't want to take. But this thread is good food for thought, so far. Change is scary to me, so I'm more likely to think of all the bad that could happen in a situation, while my husband is more likely to trust people to a fault.
Arabella
New member
It's probably more of a knee-jerk reaction than anything else. All I know of the husband is that my husband says that she says that he is manipulative, controlling, and says "mean things" to her. He knows she goes out, and in her words (as heard through the filter of my husband), he probably suspects she's cheating anyway. It's all pretty vague. And I panic with ambiguity. So to me, she could be downplaying the fact that he's a psychopath. I guess I just need more info, but until then, I'm concerned about safety. As the other poster suggested, we've agreed to not give out our home address and specific things like that.
I guess I meant more to say that I don't like him dating her, as a cheating woman, in terms of the sexual health of our marriage. And also, I don't like this Angry Husband picture she's painted of him. Really, I suppose that's the same reason, i.e., cheating woman = safety risk on more than one front, in my head.
Last edited by a moderator:
Arabella, I'm in complete agreement with you about dating a cheater not being kosher. Honestly, the moral implications don't bother me as much as all of the other issues that go with it. Plus, sneaking around is really annoying.
Back in the day, in my first ever poly relationship, I met a dude I really liked who claimed to be in a poly relationship. Being inexperienced, I trusted him. He lied. He was living with a woman, they had a child together, and she thought they were monogamous. He wasn't very careful, and one day when he came to see me at home, she followed him. She read his email. She monitored his cell phone. She used this information to stalk me, my roommate and my boyfriend! She vandalized my home, attempted to intimidate me in public, and used her employment with my wireless carrier to get her hands on my financial information and call records! She lost her job over it, obviously, but that wasn't really enough to make me comfortable sleeping at night. I was scared.
So yeah, for me, no cheaters. Period. If my current, live-in partner ever decided that he wanted to have a relationship with a cheater, I would have to remove myself from the situation.
Back in the day, in my first ever poly relationship, I met a dude I really liked who claimed to be in a poly relationship. Being inexperienced, I trusted him. He lied. He was living with a woman, they had a child together, and she thought they were monogamous. He wasn't very careful, and one day when he came to see me at home, she followed him. She read his email. She monitored his cell phone. She used this information to stalk me, my roommate and my boyfriend! She vandalized my home, attempted to intimidate me in public, and used her employment with my wireless carrier to get her hands on my financial information and call records! She lost her job over it, obviously, but that wasn't really enough to make me comfortable sleeping at night. I was scared.
So yeah, for me, no cheaters. Period. If my current, live-in partner ever decided that he wanted to have a relationship with a cheater, I would have to remove myself from the situation.
Arabella
New member
Yikes!
Woah! That's terrible! I'm so sorry that happened to you.
That makes me think twice about the guy I'm thinking about seeing as well, to really make sure his wife is for-sure poly or at least, on board. I had only been thinking about the Angry Husband scenario, but I forgot how batshit crazy women can get, as well. I did some things I'm not so proud of either, when I was cheated on, waaaaaaayyy back in the day, like, decades ago.
Woah! That's terrible! I'm so sorry that happened to you.
That makes me think twice about the guy I'm thinking about seeing as well, to really make sure his wife is for-sure poly or at least, on board. I had only been thinking about the Angry Husband scenario, but I forgot how batshit crazy women can get, as well. I did some things I'm not so proud of either, when I was cheated on, waaaaaaayyy back in the day, like, decades ago.