Not your average fairy tale (without an ending YET)

M

MichelleL

New member
Hello All, my husband and I have been married 16 years. I have best friends with a lady for 5 years and last year our relationship became sexual after my husband pointed out her and I had a thing for each other and should explore it. Everything was great, even though we had not clue how to do the poly thing. Her and I has sex and a very close intimate relationship for almost 9 months. Then she meet a guy!!! A guy who was very clear he doesn't share. Her and I remained friends, talking and seeing each other often. I went into a depressed sad place as I felt I lost her and this amazing thing. Started therapy with someone who specializes in same sex/ mixed orientation marriages. She helped me realize I was in love with my friend and has helped me disclose this to her and my husband (who suspected it anyways). Turned out she feels the same and was scared when she realized it and that was why she started dating this guy. She was unsure of our future. Our therapist proposed that my husband and I get involved in some poly networks, meet-ups and get to know like minded people. Additionally she suggested, if we were both comfortable with it, asking my ex-girlfriend/still friend to move in with us. Turns out her boyfriend told her it was either him or me and she told him that she wasn't letting go of me. I was unaware of this. She asked to talk to me face to face. I figured it would be a good time to tell her what we wanted. She informed me of her situation and then ask what I needed to say. I asked her to move in with us, think about it for a while but know that if she didn't we would understand it may be to much but I want to be with her. There isn't a happy ending yet because she is still thinking it through. I'm proud of myself for opening up to her and I'm proud of her for not running away and thinking it through. So that's how we came to this journey.
 
Greetings MichelleL,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I hope everything works out with your friend ... even if she decides not to move in with you, that doesn't mean you can't still have a loving (and romantic) relationship with her.

Polyamory.com should be a good place to get feedback from like-minded individuals. Have a look at our various threads and boards, see what calls to you, and let us know if you have any questions.

I'm glad you could join us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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Welcome aboard!
 
I really disagree with your therapist's suggestion. In fact, I think it's asinine. You don't all have to live together to be poly, nor to have a loving relationship with her. It's way too soon.

With all the confused feelings, I would say that the best course for you all is to go SLOWLY.
 
Hey Michelle
I don't have any advice I'm afraid but I would like to say that your husband sounds like a truly wonderful guy. I sincerely hope you aren't neglecting his feelings through all of this and are full of love and reassurance for him.
I'm sure you're taking care of him.
Good luck.
 
There was way more to what the therapist said but we all agreed we wanted her to know that is what we want but were ok if she doesn't feel that is right. When I spoke to her about it I gave her all the options (move in, don't move in and have a relationship or just be friends). I told her she needs to think about what she wants. She said if we were going to do it she wanted to do it all. We agreed to take our time and let her really do some soul searching. At the end of it all she is my friend and I don't want to lose that part of us. My husband is wonderful. We have been doing some relationship building in all of this. We spend a lot more time being married and checking in with each other then ever. We have found a way to communicate our needs and to make sure each of us are feeling the presence of one another emotionally and physically. There have been some trying moments as we are starting this path but overall it has been good. His needs are a big priority and I am staying in tune to them. Thanks for the reminders and input.
 
You did mention that you had been friends with this lady for five years; that's a pretty good amount of time. What about the idea of having her stay overnight at your place for a few days at a time just to test what living together might be like? Not a requirement but perhaps a thought?

Keep us posted okay?
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Interestingly we have had her sleep over at times. She also lived with us for almost four months but prior to the sexual relationship. That is one reason the therapist recommended that rather then moving at a slower pace. We are really open to what ever she feels is right.
 
Yeah, that does make a difference that you already kind of know what living with her is like. Anyway, I just wish the three of you the best, and hope you work out something that's good for each of you.
 
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