NRE is Sooo Confusing/Wonderful

[RaeAmaya]

I've been so wrapped up and stuck in my own thoughts this year (seriously, since New Year's Eve I've been completely unable to get out of my head)... I just need a place to get it all out Apologies in advance for the novel.

Enter the guy I'm crushing on, PS. I met him last fall term at school and we've become friends. OMG I've got it sooo bad for him XD Twitterpation in the extreme! We see each other twice a week at school (we share a language path so it's possible we'll be in the same class for the next two years), we've been out for coffee twice, and I've hung out with him at his place 3 times. He figured out pretty early in our friendship that I have a crush on him - I'm sure anyone who's seen me interact with him for longer than 5 minutes knows it .

PS is also poly and currently has a gf. He's a bit on the fence about looking for another relationship, but seems to enjoy our friendship so it's possible he might be interested. I've met his gf and we get along. She's pretty cool and very funny and I'm actually interested in being her friend for its own sake. She knows I like him and that I have no interest in "taking" him.

Now to gush
PS is sooo cool! He's got the "I am who I am and if someone doesn't like it, they can deal with it or leave" kind of attitude that's awesomely self-confident without arrogantly throwing it in your face. He can go from totally cute to totally sexy and back in a second by changing the look in his eyes... Geez, I can't stop smiling like an idiot just typing this! He's quick-witted and loves to tease me (prolly cuz I'm so responsive I couldn't hide it if I wanted to). Whenever I spend time with him, I tend to forget everything else - EVERYTHING. We went out for coffee two days ago and the night before I had thought up and journaled about questions I wanted to ask him (I spent hours thinking about this...) and when I met up with him I completely forgot that I had even wanted to ask him anything. How is that even possible?! Yesterday, I needed to print something from the library at school after the class I share with him as well as pick up my textbook for today's class - I was almost halfway to my car after class before I remember I needed these things because I was so caught up thinking about him. I can't say his name without grinning.

NRE is so horribly amazing! I like him as a friend, but I also really like him romantically too. I know he likes me as a friend, but I can't tell if he likes me romantically because he's so naturally flirtatious. We've talked a little about the fact that I like him, but I get so embarrassed (can't look him straight in the eye, blushing furiously so he tells me, etc). He's handling the situation pretty maturely: he encourages me to express myself and offers honesty in return (though he teases me almost constantly too). I don't know if I should ask if he likes me romantically since he's already told me that he isn't sure how he feels about starting a new relationship right now... And what we have is pretty sweet. The only thing is he could like me that way, but be too busy right now or he could just not be interested in me like that... I don't know and I'm going crazy! I'm kinda thinking I should leave it where it is for now and check back about it later since nothing is gonna happen soon either way. Since we see each other regularly and I can't hide my crush, it's not like he'll forget or think I've lost interest...

I have no idea how to go about dating. Between my 1st kiss and being married was 6 months and 3 guys. I have almost the bare minimum dating experience and absolutely no poly experience. Can't believe I forgot how intensely wonderful it feels to have a crush, but also the uncertainty and waiting that comes with it...

 

[SmileTexas]

NRE is great until something bad happens and then you crash. Reel it in or you are setting yourself up. Also, kind and considerate people act irresponsible when they are in the grips of NRE. Think about everyone else's feelings.

 

[RaeAmaya]

I appreciate your warnings, SmileTexas. I'm pretty conflicted on how much to reel the NRE in (or if I even want to)... I don't expect this relationship to last the same way forever - at some point it's likely to dissolve in some way or another (So I feel that some type of crash is coming anyway). Also, I'm not looking to make him my primary so I don't have the same level of attachment that I would if I wanted to share a significant portion of my life with him. I haven't felt this happy and excited in years and I kinda want to just experience while I can...

I am trying to be super aware and careful about boundaries and toe-stepping. I already have minor self-esteem issues so I'm inclined to ask (frequently) "Is this ok? What about this?" I'm also trying to be considerate of LM as I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable. I've already caught a couple acts of impulsive irresponsibility before I actually did them so I'm on hyper alert now... I'm definitely learning a lot about myself and how I interact with others as well as how I want to interact people. It's all so crazy.

 

[SmileTexas]

Good deal. Just stay diligent and enjoy the rush. NRE makes for some awesome alone time if you get my meaning. Good day.

 

[Leander]

That was good to read.

I guess the trouble with leaving things as they are, even if just being able to be around this guy is a great feeling, is that the buzz from NRE never lets up. Its neigh impossible to stop wondering about whether something could happen while its going on. Hoping and dreaming has a beauty to it, only, drawing it out can start to feel like one long, slow crash after a while. If it starts to get like that even getting a definite, "No. Nothing can happen between us." can be a relief.

If you do end up left in a crash there are some things you can do to lessen it. NRE highjacks your reward system. Dopamine goes through the roof and serotonin drops down real low. If you can raise serotonin levels and do something that is interesting enough to distract away from the crush you can snap out of even bad heartbreak.

You know, if I imagine myself in your shoes, I would probably say something like, "You know I like you and I know your situation is complicated. Is there anything you are able to give to me? Is there anything you want that I could give to you?"

 

[RaeAmaya]

Good deal. Just stay diligent and enjoy the rush. NRE makes for some awesome alone time if you get my meaning. Good day.

Thanks for the tip

That was good to read.

I guess the trouble with leaving things as they are, even if just being able to be around this guy is a great feeling, is that the buzz from NRE never lets up. Its neigh impossible to stop wondering about whether something could happen while its going on. Hoping and dreaming has a beauty to it, only, drawing it out can start to feel like one long, slow crash after a while. If it starts to get like that even getting a definite, "No. Nothing can happen between us." can be a relief.

If you do end up left in a crash there are some things you can do to lessen it. NRE highjacks your reward system. Dopamine goes through the roof and serotonin drops down real low. If you can raise serotonin levels and do something that is interesting enough to distract away from the crush you can snap out of even bad heartbreak.

So true... I do kinda feel constantly on cloud 9 and I hadn't considered the long-term effects physically. I was only thinking about a potential emotional crash, but I can see how the reward system is affected ("Your love is my drug" ). I've been tempted to get into certain activities he's into, but I realized that I need to build up my interests because they make ME happy and I am what makes me interesting as well as the fact that I'll have to live with me after everything. So I am working on not throwing all of myself into the feelings, but holding enough of myself so there's something for me in the event of a crash. So hard though lol.

You know, if I imagine myself in your shoes, I would probably say something like, "You know I like you and I know your situation is complicated. Is there anything you are able to give to me? Is there anything you want that I could give to you?"

I like that It's simple and to the point. It's really hard for me to ask for anything so I'd be tempted to just offer what I could give... Which is bad. I know I need to develop more confidence in asking for my wants and needs (especially in this lifestyle). Actually that whole idea is prolly next on the list for me to ask him. I enjoy our friendship and he knows I like him, but we haven't actually discussed what "relationship" means to each of us. It's possible that I'm thinking "FWB" and he's thinking "secondary"... That whole communication thing is kinda important I suppose

 

[Leander]

I've been tempted to get into certain activities he's into, but I realized that I need to build up my interests because they make ME happy and I am what makes me interesting as well as the fact that I'll have to live with me after everything.

Oh yeh! Do stuff because you want to. Great if activities he likes are things you can get into as well. If they're not, its probably not worth trying too hard. Tends to be a waste of time, like you said. Also can lead to resentment later on.

I know everyone says it all the time but yeah, that whole communication thing is kinda important From my experience it has been enormously helpful when partners have been able to tell me what they want or need honestly and up front. It not only prevents long lasting problems but it much more quickly leads to rewarding intimacy, if the potential is truly there. Life is short.

 

[RaeAmaya]

Sorry for another novel - didn't realize how much I wanted to say until I was done

I know everyone says it all the time but yeah, that whole communication thing is kinda important From my experience it has been enormously helpful when partners have been able to tell me what they want or need honestly and up front. It not only prevents long lasting problems but it much more quickly leads to rewarding intimacy, if the potential is truly there. Life is short.

I know I know ... Communication is pretty much the number one rule I always read about. It's just so hard for me because I grew up sooo shy. It's horrible. Example: The first time he invited me out for coffee, he did so because he had a suspicion that I liked him (from something I'd said in a text) and wanted to ask me about it. I couldn't look him in the eye, started blushing, and managed to repeatedly distract him by mentioning other things. The second I got home, I sent a text which included "As for 'your question' ... A hypothetical answer might possibly have the potential to be that I may haveabitofacrushonyou." He laughed and said he figured. A similar interaction occurred on New Year's Eve over facebook when he replied to a comment I'd made (while drunk ) and I again had to confess . Well, I got it into my head to be strong and brave and say it just once to his face. I was totally fine the night before and it wasn't a big deal at all. On my way to pick him up for coffee, my stomach started knotting like I was going to give a public speech (which I hate). I was so nervous the whole time! I put it off and put it off, until he asked me what was up cuz I was behaving nervously. Again, I couldn't look him in the eye and I'm sure I was blushing like crazy (but I did managed to say I like him as a friend and romantically ). And this is waaayy after it's already established and common knowledge that I like him. Texting - fine. Facebook - hilarious. Face to face - I'm a complete wreck.

Theoretically, I completely understand the communication thing. It would definitely simplify my life. It's just when it comes to being in front of him, I freeze It's so frustrating, but no matter how much I talk myself into it and psych myself up beforehand ... I'm just a nervous wreck when I try to talk about anything even remotely related to liking him or relationships. He's always encouraged me to be upfront and honest and has never made me feel bad when I am so it's all in my head. I'm trying to become more comfortable by just doing it, but it's so hard and it doesn't ever feel any easier... I really agree with the poly lifestyle and I want to live in a way where I have a community of friends and lovers, but I'm worried this shy/easily embarrassed/brain fart reaction is going to cause issues if I can't get it under control.

X( And this next conversation I need to have with him to clarify what kind of a relationship I'd like to have with him is going to be torture!!!! When I think of what I want to say and have understood, I'm fine. Journaling also helps to gather my thoughts. But the second I start visualizing a realistic conversation with him, my gut starts knotting. Even now I'm getting the sensation because I know I need to talk to him, but it's prolly going to involve at least mentioning that I want to kiss him andhavesex ... OMG! I'm laughing right now cuz I can't hardly stand the stress of thinking about saying that to his face Funny thing is I'm all for flirting/teasing/sexual humor with him. Totally fine. Sigh I have no idea what I'm going to do except be nervous until I manage to talk myself past the point of no return :/

 

[Leander]

Lol no don't apologize for writing a lot. NRE is a pleasure to read about.

I get that you're shy. That's a challenge. However, bold people still get totally slain by amorousness the same way. It makes anyone a wreck. That's actually a *good* thing. Maybe you don't need to get it under control so much as learn to let it flow through you.

Being such a mess is your biology doing some very powerful things to all the signals you're sending. You're being immensely charming, believe it or not. Can't think clearly or know what to say? Most communication is nonverbal and totally instinctive. Blushing? Its super-attractive. Its basically broadcasting that you'll be a wonderful lover and research backs that up. Can't meet his eyes? You're fighting it because it feels like it would be too intense. It is. People going through what you are have a powerfully alluring stare. Seeing it releases phenylethylamine in the other person which is very much like a love drug.

I know this might seem like the last thing you feel like you can do, but try to let all this crazy stuff take over and relax into it. Yeah, you'll need to somehow exchange words. However, it sounds like you're managing to do that, just not all that quickly.

The force is with you!

EDIT: And for the record, what I said about partners being honest and up front, well that matters once a romantic relationship has started. The first bit, actually making the connection, is all about the above stuff.

 

[RaeAmaya]

Lol no don't apologize for writing a lot. NRE is a pleasure to read about.

I get that you're shy. That's a challenge. However, bold people still get totally slain by amorousness the same way. It makes anyone a wreck. That's actually a *good* thing. Maybe you don't need to get it under control so much as learn to let it flow through you.

Being such a mess is your biology doing some very powerful things to all the signals you're sending. You're being immensely charming, believe it or not. Can't think clearly or know what to say? Most communication is nonverbal and totally instinctive. Blushing? Its super-attractive. Its basically broadcasting that you'll be a wonderful lover and research backs that up. Can't meet his eyes? You're fighting it because it feels like it would be too intense. It is. People going through what you are have a powerfully alluring stare. Seeing it releases phenylethylamine in the other person which is very much like a love drug.

I know this might seem like the last thing you feel like you can do, but try to let all this crazy stuff take over and relax into it. Yeah, you'll need to somehow exchange words. However, it sounds like you're managing to do that, just not all that quickly.

... I'm actually not sure if I'm more scared of the idea that I may have to control this or that I might just have to experience it... lol I appreciate your encouragement because I was starting to think I was doing everything wrong (I've heard that confidence is very attractive and is in fact one of the qualities I really like about him ). It's hard to feel attractive when I'm stumbling/mumbling/looking away... The idea that I'm charming regardless, makes me smile so thank you.

EDIT: And for the record, what I said about partners being honest and up front, well that matters once a romantic relationship has started. The first bit, actually making the connection, is all about the above stuff.

Well, I value honesty in my friendships too so I can see how being honest and up front can work for any relationship - it's just a bit more complicated when I'm crushing to the point that I can't string enough words together to make a complete sentence .

Actually I'm kinda stuck in a limbo of sorts because I'm still living with DE (though hopefully I'll be in a new place within a week or two) and I promised that I wouldn't do anything with anyone until we had some space (ie not living together). So as badly as I want to know where this might lead with PS, I'm not going to act on it for a little bit anyway - which then feels like I'm rushing for an answer! And I kinda am cuz I want to know if he likes me, but if I know that he does, I'll want to do something about it!! !! Though I feel confident that I'll be able to control myself and keep my promise, it'd be painful . On the flip side, I don't want to rush for an answer cuz I don't want to be pushy or seem like I'm pressuring him into something - not that I think I can bully him around he's pretty much got me wrapped around his little finger lol and I love it .

The force is with you!

That is encouraging!

 

[Nadya]

I did not read quite everything, but this line jumped up on me:

Texting - fine. Facebook - hilarious. Face to face - I'm a complete wreck.

Communication can take many forms. If you feel better about communicating by writing your thoughts - it is still communication!! So yep, you are doing fine communication-wise. You know yourself, know how shy you are in the face-to face context. Then why not state that to your (future) partners at an early state and tell them that you will write about the important stuff.

Of course I would encourage you to overcome some of the shyness and also practice the face-to face talks. That should be easier to be done with a partner who already is more familiar to you.

I use writing as a means of communication in my relationships even though we live together all three. If something is bothering my mind and I seem to be unable to open up the discussion about it face-to-face, I will write an email to my partner(s). Then it is easier to continue the discussion as we both (all) know what it is about.

 

[RaeAmaya]

snipped...
Communication can take many forms. If you feel better about communicating by writing your thoughts - it is still communication!! So yep, you are doing fine communication-wise. You know yourself, know how shy you are in the face-to face context. Then why not state that to your (future) partners at an early state and tell them that you will write about the important stuff.

Of course I would encourage you to overcome some of the shyness and also practice the face-to face talks. That should be easier to be done with a partner who already is more familiar to you.

I use writing as a means of communication in my relationships even though we live together all three. If something is bothering my mind and I seem to be unable to open up the discussion about it face-to-face, I will write an email to my partner(s). Then it is easier to continue the discussion as we both (all) know what it is about.

Wow... I just assumed that face-to-face talking was inherently better It never occurred to me that some important things could be written instead. DE always needed to talk things out - sometimes for hours at a time for days on end (of which I'm not a fan). Writing could really open up a lot of doors since I tend to forget (even important) details when talking. It was almost to the point of taking a notebook with me when I see him just so I wouldn't forget the major things I need to ask him about . I do see the importance of at least working on my shyness and I think it might get better as I get to know him better (hopefully ).

This really just blew my mind ... I'm definitely gonna have to see how I can best integrate this into my relationships so I can say what I need to and still leave room for practicing face-to-face conversations. Lol Is it weird that I feel lighter right now? Thank you, Nadya for a new perspective!

 

[FallenAngelina]

....It never occurred to me that some important things could be written instead.....

History and literature are full to bursting with testaments to the power of letters. The very activity of writing allows us access to parts of ourselves that simply are not available during face to face conversation. Write a letter to someone and feel your world burst wide open!

 

[Nadya]

History and literature are full to bursting with testaments to the power of letters. The very activity of writing allows us access to parts of ourselves that simply are not available during face to face conversation. Write a letter to someone and feel your world burst wide open!

Definitely. I have heard this advice about writing important things to your partner originally in a conservative Christian surrounding... of course then addressed to married couples. Easily applicable in a poly situation as well

ETA: Writing things down first can make the talking things out part so much easier. If a partner really wants to talk everything out - then combine these two. Write your feelings and thoughts, let them read it and answer to you by talking. Bueno.

 

[RaeAmaya]

History and literature are full to bursting with testaments to the power of letters. The very activity of writing allows us access to parts of ourselves that simply are not available during face to face conversation. Write a letter to someone and feel your world burst wide open!

This is so true ! There's something about a letter that is special (I especially love handwritten ones). So much can be expressed in a letter... My mind is drifting towards the concept of "Love letters," but I'm sure it's applicable to practical conversation letters too . I'm definitely ready for my world to burst wide open! Lol

Definitely. I have heard this advice about writing important things to your partner originally in a conservative Christian surrounding... of course then addressed to married couples. Easily applicable in a poly situation as well

ETA: Writing things down first can make the talking things out part so much easier. If a partner really wants to talk everything out - then combine these two. Write your feelings and thoughts, let them read it and answer to you by talking. Bueno.

I've never heard this! This would make my life so much easier in so many ways... I'm much more articulate when writing - I think it has to do with being able to take my time (and edit if I need to). I journal to gather my thoughts; it's how I work through complicated feelings too. I feel rushed, unprepared, and scatterbrained when I'm confronted by an intense conversation in a relationship that I haven't had time to process. Then when I'm frustrated after the fact, I'll journal and accidentally figure out what I'd wanted to say. How many arguments could've been shortened and less heated if I'd known beforehand what I want to say . It's never too late to start! Oh yes, writing will definitely be integrated into my relationships in a new way.

Thanks for your replies, HappilyFallenAngel and Nadya I get so inspired by reading others' advice and opinions. It really helps me sort out my own thoughts some times.

 

[RaeAmaya]

My first test run using writing (facebook pm)! Still a little freaked out about what I'm saying, but not as freaked out as if I were winging it or talking to his face. It's a little calmer. Granted I haven't asked him anything about relationship stuff yet, but I mentioned that I wanted to and so we both know it's coming.

In case it's unclear, I'm writing this at the same time I'm messaging PS lol.

I sent an introductory message that just said I wanted some time to message and that I had three questions for him: one was just kinda random and the other two had to do with relationship stuff... He responded and has been talking to me (still about the random one ) so it seems he's not opposed to using writing for important stuff - OMG yay!!!! That makes my life easier.

So it seems he's in a playful-ish mood (good), but there was already a miscommunication on my first relationship question I had exactly what I wanted to ask all written out and... he responds "huh?" SERIOUSLY?!?! Dude's messin' up my plan! Which is how it goes... Eesh. My stomach's knotting up a bit again. If it's like this with my first (and less direct) question... ... Well, it seems less direct to me - maybe it's not

I'm discovering a downside of using writing... waiting for replies. There's always something, isn't there? And I can't see his face as he contemplates his response.

OMG - just sent the question about what he thinks a relationship is... Freaking out! Seriously freaking out! Deep breaths, deep breaths... omg omg omg omg... I really put myself farther out than I ever have before with anyone. It's actually really weird because I'm not that concerned about his response. If he were to say he just wants to be friends, that'd be cool. It'd suck, but I wouldn't go into a depressive spiral of gloom. Maybe I'm more worried that we'll agree we can do "more" ... omg omg omg omg ... Still freaking out. Lol the mess I am now - I can't even imagine what would've happened if i'd been forced to say it to his face. I prolly never would've said it and just waited until he made a move (if he ever did).

Finally, a reply. It's a no. I'm really not broken up about it either. He and LM are concerned I'm rebounding from my divorce last month - I'm not. I'm very detached when it comes to relationships of any kind (family, friends, romantic...). Not really a problem for me. Actually, it's been a trouble spot for DE during the divorce because I'm not really any different even though our 6.5 yr marriage is over. He calls me cold and doesn't understand it in any capacity. Meh. Whatever. It's apparently how I'm wired: people come, people go, people change - no point getting bent out of shape about it for long.

So back to PS: he needs a deeper connection to anyone he's dating and right now he just doesn't have the time to build that. We differ a little on that one. He and I are friends and for me that's enough of a connection. For him, guess not. After that, we started talking about how his day was rough and the conversation dissolved into a light and playful banter of me trying to cheer him up with facebook stickers.

Funny. I don't feel any different. I wonder if and how my NRE is going to be affected by knowing it's not going anywhere... Obviously I still like him and I'll prolly continue to wonder what kissing him would be like, but I'm curious about if my feelings will begin to wane a little now. Somehow I doubt it because he's just as cool as he was before I knew (and just as cute ). Will I be less comfortable flirting? Less nervous since there's nothing to be nervous about? I've got an interesting chance to learn a little more about myself and how I handle relationships and interactions now that I'm kinda excited about - lol is that weird? REEEEAALLY hoping he doesn't bring this up next time I see him. I'm fine now, but if he approaches me thinking my feelings need healing... I'm just not sure how that's gonna go cuz they don't. But he can be so sweet and charming when he's in comforting mode.

Well there you have it I feel better now for knowing where we stand.

but of course there's always something... In this case it's another guy in the class I don't share with PS. The class is once a week so I've only seen him once and haven't actually spoken to him, but given the points he added to the class discussion (a class about religions) he seems really interesting and I may like to get to know him better. Not bad looking either.

 

[Nadya]

Sounds good altogether! Now you know better and can adjust to the facts. I actually understand very well your friend's hesitation to start a relationship with you while you are still living with your ex. Things will be simpler after you get your own place.

The friendship can continue, and who knows - maybe you will build up a connection strong enough for more with time. He did not say it was absolutely impossible, did he? Or if not, you can enjoy this friendship and learn more about ways to communicate that feel natural to you.

One more hint about writing: you can also write something on paper (or print the text if written on computer), bring the paper with you to a live meeting and actually look at their face as they read it. Also, in this way you can choose whether to let them keep the paper or to claim it back to yourself after they are finished reading. The latter is something I have done with my therapist sometimes - giving the information about the matter to be discussed without letting them actually have a copy of my text.

One more thing about what has been said earlier in this thread:

EDIT: And for the record, what I said about partners being honest and up front, well that matters once a romantic relationship has started. The first bit, actually making the connection, is all about the above stuff.

This can be true, but it is not the only way to make connections. None of my relationships have started out of a crush like you are experiencing now. Not that I have not had those - oh yes, I have. But, I have no idea how to proceed from there, and actually have not had a real interest to proceed either. Those people have not been very good matches to me, and I do not believe in those rose-colored crushing feelings. They do not last.

My relationships have started out of good discussions - either face-to-face or online. The ability to discuss things - and write! - is an absolute must in a potential partner to me. The face-to face discussions have then been continued in writing. With the in-depth written discussions to start with, the person seems more familiar and there is something to build on.

 

[RaeAmaya]

Sounds good altogether! Now you know better and can adjust to the facts. I actually understand very well your friend's hesitation to start a relationship with you while you are still living with your ex. Things will be simpler after you get your own place.

So true I can't wait until this isn't an issue anymore. Granted due to finances I still have to live with roommates, but they'll be all women. It'll be better than living with DE though... Less awkward.

The friendship can continue, and who knows - maybe you will build up a connection strong enough for more with time. He did not say it was absolutely impossible, did he? Or if not, you can enjoy this friendship and learn more about ways to communicate that feel natural to you.

Yeah, underneath the crush I figured we'd be good friends. He did not say it was impossible, just that right now he's too busy. I'm still crushing, but I don't think we'd make good partners in that we seem to want different things. I'm not looking for the same depth he is, but we'll see what happens. I plan on enjoying the friendship and learning everything I can from it (about myself as well as some ways of interacting with a platonic male friend which I've never had as an adult).

One more hint about writing: you can also write something on paper (or print the text if written on computer), bring the paper with you to a live meeting and actually look at their face as they read it. Also, in this way you can choose whether to let them keep the paper or to claim it back to yourself after they are finished reading. The latter is something I have done with my therapist sometimes - giving the information about the matter to be discussed without letting them actually have a copy of my text.

I was actually considering something like this! I was going to start bringing my journal with me or at least a copy of my specific thoughts... I thought I was crazy for needing it, but I guess not.

Snipped...

None of my relationships have started out of a crush like you are experiencing now. Not that I have not had those - oh yes, I have. But, I have no idea how to proceed from there, and actually have not had a real interest to proceed either. Those people have not been very good matches to me, and I do not believe in those rose-colored crushing feelings. They do not last.

My relationships have started out of good discussions - either face-to-face or online. The ability to discuss things - and write! - is an absolute must in a potential partner to me. The face-to face discussions have then been continued in writing. With the in-depth written discussions to start with, the person seems more familiar and there is something to build on.

An excellent point. I'm actually trying to figure out why I get crushes like I do... It's just that every so often someone will click for me and I get intensely interested in them very quickly. It's not that I think they'll be good matches in that I want a long-term deep connection (cuz I don't), but more that I think they'll be fascinating friends and I'm leaning toward fwb type relationships. I'm really only just working out what kind of relationships I want and coming to terms with the fact that I'm just not interested in being in a "deep" relationship. That's not to say I don't want deep discussions or deep moments, but I'm not looking for coupledom in any way, shape, or form. I'm keeping myself open to the possibility in case someone does come along that changes my mind (if there's anything I've learned from this forum, it's flexibility is a must ).

Even though we never got romantic, PS has taught me so much about myself and I've grown so much with this crush. I wouldn't trade the experience for anything Plus our friendship is still relatively new so I'm working out some thoughts about Friendship NRE - similar to regular NRE in that I get excited with/about him and I want to know everything about him... It's just that now romantic curiosity isn't included.