NRE or true compatibility.. (long)

Update on my situation.

I've gone to a counseling appointment and have another today. It helped to get this out, and the counselor basically said similar things that you all have. Honestly, it was really hard reading your responses the first time, but when I went back to them later, it wasn't as hard and I was able to see the truth and wisdom.

I'm leaning heavily towards getting my own space. I do not think I can handle daily life in my house with my wife and son. What our marriage/relationship will become, I don't know. It's surreal to me, and I feel just as sad as I do hopeful.

Maybe I should post another thread since this topic is changing, but how does one go about "changing the shape" of a relationship? I still see myself spending time with my wife, sharing important things together, and being supportive of one another. We talked about all of this last night and it was really rough. She's been crying on and off. I keep telling her that even though things will be different, we're not "over" if neither of us wants to be. And I don't want to be. We have a history and still love one another. I just don't know if I can get my romantic feelings back.

I wish I could get back to those few months where I was in love with both and things felt so much better. It just wasn't sustainable for me.
 
Glad you saw the counselor. Glad you see the value of speaking honestly and sorting out what it is you want.

You don't have to start a new thread. It's fine to organize it all here if you want.

how does one go about "changing the shape" of a relationship? I still see myself spending time with my wife, sharing important things together, and being supportive of one another.
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Don't over think this.

You stop sharing sex, you stop talking about romantic feelings, you find an apartment, you split up the banking, you file for divorce, you move out. Then you honor your divorce and custody agreements, and you figure out what "friendship post divorce" is like.

I still see myself spending time with my wife, sharing important things together, and being supportive of one another. We talked about all of this last night and it was really rough. She's been crying on and off. I keep telling her that even though things will be different, we're not "over" if neither of us wants to be. And I don't want to be. We have a history and still love one another. I just don't know if I can get my romantic feelings back.
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Good for you. Keep speaking your truth.

Accept things are different, but also accept that it doesn't have to be "over" if neither wants it to be. State your willingness to continue as friends and coparents. Ask if she's willing.

If both are? Focus on the things you can do and what you can BUILD:

  • could still spend time together
  • could still share important things together
  • could still co-parent child
  • could still be supportive of one another
  • in this case, you support each other through grief and healthy transition into friendship post divorce.

Grieving loss is natural, but don't spend all the time focusing on LOSS. That keeps you in the stuck, it doesn't help you move forward. Spend some time on what you can BUILD next with her.

While in transition, you might want to NOT talk about certain things. An obvious one will be sex -- if you are no longer lovers, what you each do in your separate sex lives is your own business. You don't have to know hers and she doesn't have to know yours. Figure out what those other topics are.

You also have to talk about divorce business (banking, arrangements, agreements, court, etc), parenting business (school things, son needs X, family gatherings, etc), and emotional processing (together, and apart with other people). Set separate times for those. Don't try to be doing all topics in one conversation. Keep them short and sweet so you both avoid getting emotionally flooded. Trust that conversations will get easier over time. If one of you does get flooded, be kind, pause, and set a date to continue the conversation later.

To help figure stuff like that out and/or to help smooth the transition into coparenting as divorced parents maybe you keep seeing a counselor?

Hang in there. I see it's rough right now. Keep sorting things out. Take it one day at a time.

Galagirl
 
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