Oh man... this is getting deep

Cherrypie725

Cherrypie725

New member
Okay, so, I am in a lovely relationship with my husband Galen and my boyfriend Tom.

When I met Tom, he was just getting out of a relationship with this girl Bailey. She and Tom have had an on-again off-again relationship for a few years. Tom is somewhat entrenched with her because he was acting as a dad to her kids, and so naturally he loves them and is attached to them. However, Bailey is a mess. She is abusive, physically and emotionally, bipolar, and very depressed, to the point of attempting suicide. Not long ago, she came to his house in the middle of the night, went through his belongings and his cell phone, found texts between him and me, crawled on top of him as he slept and started beating him. The next day he came to me pretty ragged, but he refused to file a report against her because he doesn't want to ruin her little family.

Tom told me that was the end and that he was done with her.

Yep, you know what comes next. A few weeks have past and the bruises have healed and they are talking again. He told me that he might want to work it out with her. If he were to do that, it would effectively mean he and I would no longer be together.

I love him, and he loves me. But he has a hard time seeing into the future of "us." He wants to have a family. He doesn't want to just be "on the side" forever. I understand that, but our relationship is so fresh and new, I can't say "yes" to him because I don't know yet how all of this will work out. I was pretty sure I was done having babies, but I am young. Maybe a few years down the road that could happen, but that is too big for me to promise now.

He sees that as a possibility with Bailey, plus he already cares for her kids. I am sure that if he were to be with her he would continue to be in an abusive relationship that would end in a lot of pain for him. As a friend, I don't want him to go back to that so he won't get hurt. As his girlfriend, I am somewhat hurt that he would leave our happy little relationship to go back to that, since, as everyone agrees, I treat him way better then she did, does, or will.

So after talking to me about it, Tom promised me he would give "us" a real chance, and if a year from now things aren't going in the direction he needs, I will let us part ways without a fight. That also means he has to tell her they are not going to work things out. Although I trust him, and have no reason not to, I have a hard time believing he will say that to her.

So here I am. He is confused. I am hurt. Galen is trying to support me, but he feels that Tom is getting "the short end of the stick" and he doesn't know how I am going to manage both relationships without someone feeling neglected. We are happy now, but this is new to us, so we don't have answers. I think Tom isn't really running back to Bailey, but what was his "normal"? This relationship is complex and new and scary. Tom is afraid that if things don't work he would be responsible not only for breaking my heart, but also my marriage, and possibly my family. I don't foresee that happening, but I can't help but feel empathy for his concerns.

I don't know what advice I want or need... I just want to hear from someone, maybe get some hope more than help. Any ideas on what to say to help assure Tom that this can be doable?

Thanks,
Cherry
 
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It is possible to have 2 lifetime partners. Yes it is a lot of work but doable.

I am going into year 2.
 
I am wondering if the best thing you could have done was to reverse the situation for now and have let him try to work things out with Bailey. He has feelings for her, and I have no doubt that his love for the kids is a huge a factor in his quandary. He may view himself as their protector if Bailey is as crazy to them as she is to him. However, I would bet, having had a sane gf, he would find Bailey's behavior even less tolerable than before he met you.

Here is where I am coming from: I joined a couple. It turned out the wife was emotionally abusive to her husband. He didn't like it, but thought that was just how things were. However, I am emotionally stable and easy going. The husband quickly discovered that not all women are mercurial lunatics, and that changed much in his point of view.

I left. He tried for a year to get her to quit using him as an emotional punching bag. They are currently in divorce proceedings, and he and I are slowly rebuilding.
 
Cherrypie725 said:
But he has a hard time seeing into the future of "us"... he wants to have a family and he doesn't want to just be "on the side" forever. I understand that, but...
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You understand he wants more than you're willing to give him, but... what? You want what you want?

Honestly, there should not be a 'but' here.
He is on the side and you're not promising him any more than that.
He has no reason to think he can ever have children or a family with you.

When we love someone, we want what's best for them, and expecting him to spend his life with half a relationship, with no marriage, wife, shared home, or children, when he clearly wants those things, is not what's best for him.

Do you love him, or are you merely enjoying NRE and don't want him to take it away?
 
The fact that Tom would even be in a toxic relationship with a person like Bailey is something to take seriously. It's a big red flag. I have been exposed to similar drama, and it was enough to make me walk away, even though I was madly in love. I am probably a good bit older than you, and I have learned that it's best to walk away as soon as I see signs of that level of drama.
 
What happens when the next time she finds texts from you on his phone and she decides to come after you or your family instead of beating on him? You need to consider protecting yourself and your existing family.

Metamours are important.
 
After reading your story, I get a very real sense that you need to back up a couple of steps. You sound like you have a heavy dose of empathy, which is not a bad thing. However, it seems to be drawing you in too deep.

There are things outside of your control here, and though its natural and lovely for you to be feeling for all sides of the situation, I have a strong feeling myself that you are allowing yourself to be drawn in too deep, emotionally, to the elements of this dynamic that are outside of your control.

Back up to the point where you have feelings for Tom and you have a relationship with Galen. For your own health and well-being, I would be concerned about the impact of having a "dotted line" connection to Bailey, and what that could mean for your family having her connected to you in this way (especially in her reported state). That is where you need to "live," emotionally speaking, managing your connection to Galen and Tom with the understanding Bailey is connected to Tom. Getting emotionally invested beyond that will cloud your judgment and choices.

Focus on what you want and what you need for your health, happiness and well-being. Then focus on what you want and what you need in your relationships with Galen and Tom. Where you are lacking, take action. Where you are fulfilled, acknowledge and appreciate. No less, no more.

To obsess or concern yourself beyond your needs and desires in these relationships is to take on the emotional "shoulds and should nots" of the other people. That is where you are getting too deep.

My advice-- back your focus out a bit and hold at the place centric to yourself and your needs. Taking on the needs and wants of others will only make your head spin and lead you to a place not of your creation.
 
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Dagferi, thank you for the response. It's nice to hear about success!

Bookbug, I have decided to leave to him how he wants to deal with his relationship with Bailey. He says he wants to try to remain friends with her, and although I am not thrilled about it, I get it. It's not my choice anyway, truly. He has told me since I last posted that although he was considering going back to that relationship with her, he realizes that I do treat him better than she did, and if for nothing else, that is a good reason to stay around for a while.

WhatHappened, your post really made me think. It's true I can't promise him those things. Even if I were single without kids, I couldn't promise those things, although it might seem more likely, I guess. It's all too new. If Tom were going to leave to go get "that," the whole package of a wife, kids, house with a picket fence, reluctantly (because I do love him) I would say "Go be free, little butterfly," but that wasn't the case. I don't control him or his choices, but I can't not voice my opinion when someone I care for is running toward something that is bound to hurt them.

That said, I do have a lot of NRE and I don't want it to go away, because it will hurt, and to pretend otherwise would just be lying to myself. In our conversations the last few days, at one point I said to Tom that I don't know what our relationship will end up like. And it certainly won't be conventional. He has since said that he doesn't want a conventional relationship, he just wants me. He said he was afraid of all this because he doesn't know what it will be like.

I want him to be happy, and he is happy with me (he says).

Idealist, I have thought that the fact Tom was in a toxic relationship with Bailey might be a bad sign. It takes two to tango, right? I was in a few pretty screwed-up relationships before I married Galen. When you tell yourself something is normal or fixable long enough, you start to accept it. I know Tom is half of the equation, though, and I expect that he will have his own issues crop up, too. But until I see them, I am not going to run away. I certainly have my personality flaws, and I hope that we can all work past those too. Only time will tell, I guess.

NovemberRain, I have considered that. Cutting off Tom won't protect me or our family from Bailey, necessarily. I don't think she is going to come after us. With this particular issue, all I can say is that I am going with my gut instinct. It usually doesn't fail me.

Drinnt, your post really hit the nail on the head for me. I am trying your advice. Tom knows how I feel. Galen knows how I feel. I am getting all wrapped up in Tom's business at times. I have decided to leave it to Tom, even though that might leave me "vulnerable" a little bit. I can't make him do anything, and truly I don't want to make his choices for him. He is giving me time and so we are going to see what happens. I am grateful for that.

I am starting to accept that a relationship with Tom will probably always have Bailey around, more or less, so I will have to figure that part out. I am going to try to focus more on what is in my control-- how I treat Tom and Galen, how I spend my time, who I spend it with, and enjoying more and worrying less. All things considered, we are all pretty happy right now, and we have a plan. Tom will give me time with him, and that is what I want, truly... some time.

Everyone, I think things are going to be okay. Tom will try to be friends with Bailey, which makes me uncomfortable, but is completely reasonable. I will try to focus on what I am responsible for, rather than what is out of my control. Galen will laugh at me for being way too overly concerned about everything and everyone. Tom will give me time with him. And a while from now we will see.

Oh, and Tom is gonna spend the night at our house. In the past we either went out or got a hotel room. He has only been to our house for a few hours' visits before. I am way excited. It will be fun!

Thanks a ton,
Cherry
 
It seems to me if Tom was considering staying with Bailey, that he might expect to get the whole package deal with her.

Another thought on Bailey: do you know her personally? Did you know her personally before you started hearing these things about her from Tom?

The reason I ask is that, your story makes me wonder how upfront he was being with her about his relationship with you. She came to his home and found texts between the two of you.
Is she open to poly?
Is she poly?
Did she enter this relationship knowing and expecting that Tom would be seeing other people?
Or did she start to get an inkling that something was going on with him and someone else, and he wasn't telling her?

Because discovering that someone you thought was your boyfriend, father to your children, and committed to you and only you is actually involved with someone else... well, for short, let's call it cheating, does raise some very powerful emotions, such as fear, abandonment, betrayal, much more.

I've been in her shoes, and I imagine that virtually every one of us betrayed spouses on the infidelity forum has been called 'abusive' by those who a) are as lacking in common decency as the cheater and/or b) have no idea of the whole truth of the story.

I'm not saying she's not abusive. I have no idea. I'm not there. But I'm asking for more information, because I've seen all too often in my life how a person can be unjustly brushed with accusations that look very different when the whole story comes out.
 
WhatHappened, Tom and Bailey were not together when we met. They were broken up, but occasionally still saw each other and were considering getting back together. I have talked to other people who know them both and this is the story on both sides. Bailey is abusive, physically, for sure. She actually posted on Facebook a pretty terrible slanderous thing about Tom (accused him), and then a day later she apologized on Facebook and said that she had lied about that, and that, in fact, she had brutally beaten him and that she had no right to do that. And she said that they were not together, and she had no right to attack him, since he was not her boyfriend.

She is not poly. He wasn't cheating, either. However, she didn't know that he had a budding relationship with me. She didn't need to know because they were not together.

I don't know Bailey personally. I know some of her friends.

The other reason Bailey didn't know about me is because she works with Galen's sister. We aren't exactly "out." Well, of course, this whole mess got out on Facebook, so to save ourselves from a torrent of mixed-up backlash, Galen and I gave his sister a heads-up that Bailey is upset that I have been around Tom. We left out the specific details, but she already knows we are kind of "open," so we are sure she can fill in the blanks.

If Tom were to date Bailey again, he would have to either tell her about me and our little situation, and see if that is acceptable for her, or be done with me. Right now, they are probably going to try to be friends. I asked him to inform her that he is dating someone at the moment, and I requested that he not do anything sexual or emotional with her, so he doesn't muddle things up. He said "Of course," so I think we are seeing eye to eye on this.

I do know there is another side to the story, since some of Bailey's friends have shared their opinions of Tom with me, so I don't lay all the blame on her. But I do think it is fair to say that they are not good for each other.

I am going to trust Tom until I have a reason not to. I think that's fair. So far, all his stories check out. I haven't had him ever tell me anything and had it be a lie in the end. (He did tell me he was done with Bailey, yes, and now they are talking again, but he was completely up-front about it, so I don't consider that lying.) I am also trusting him to be honest with her. I don't have to like Bailey to respect her as a human being worthy of compassion and honesty. Tom has my trust until I have a reason not to. Tom is trusting me too. He doesn't have people to ask about me, so he is basing all his opinions on what I (and Galen) tell him.

I suspect that eventually I will meet Bailey personally. I hope that will come about without any sort of catastrophic event. I also hope that we don't end up with a hate-hate relationship, because that is not good for anyone. But I am not exactly going to show up at her door and say, "Hi, I am Cherry, Tom's polyamorous married girlfriend. Want to have cake and discuss things?" Ironically, that actually sounds like the course of action I would want in her shoes, but something tells me that would not play out well. I am weird. But the day will come, and when it does I will figure it out.

For now I will leave Bailey to Tom, and Tom and Galen to me, and me to us.
 
Cherry, I wish you all the best. Every moment is one of our choosing. We always have a choice. Going for the road of peace and happiness, though not always easily passable, is worth persevering through the thorns for.
 
drinnt said:
Cherry, I wish you all the best. Every moment is one of our choosing. We always have a choice. Going for the road of peace and happiness, though not always easily passable, is worth persevering through the thorns for.
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Steve, thanks a ton. Great advice.
 
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