Okay, so, she's kind of a bitch (sad unicorn)

C

CranberryStardust

New member
This is more a vent than anything. Ultimately, I know that if I don't like the situation I should get out, but... OMG.

Brief backstory: I have been involved with a couple (Ed and Jen), for a few months now, primarily sexually. There have been a few minor issues and it's been a learning experience, but the sex is amazing, even though I haven't "gone all the way" with Ed.

Currently, Jen is in the last month of a high-risk pregnancy and sexual activity of any sort is off limits for her. I feel for her, I really do. She is miserable, and is a very sexual person, so it hasn't been easy.

Ed obviously has needs, and I am more than happy to help him, but Jen calls all the shots. She relays messages between Ed and me (I have no contact information for him), arranges everything, etc. It's frustrating because, even though this started out as a threesome sorta thing, I don't really care for Jen anymore, while my attraction to and chemistry with Ed has gone through the roof. I want to talk to HIM. He gave me my first orgasm, for crying out loud. I want more.

But Jen is killing the whole thing. There have been times that I really wanted to go over there, but I didn't, because I was just so irritated with her. She's kind of dominating. If I ask a question or bring up a topic that I would obviously like to talk more about, Jen is deliberately short, or laughs it off, or ignores it altogether. She also says things that make me feel insecure about how much Ed enjoys sex with me, or if he does at all.

If Jen is jealous or resentful or feeling negative about it, shouldn't she just cut it off? Why is she playing games and cock blocking? I think I have been fair and flexible and fun. I don't deserve to be toyed with. I can't help but think things would be a lot better if I could talk to HIM!

Sorry, long. Frustrated.
 
*rolleyes*
Jen is Ed's wife, not his owner. Call or email him. If you think what you need is to talk to him directly, just do it. Seriously. Normally I would never recommend going behind someone's back, even about something as small yet crucial as communication, but this whole situation is so stupid anddysfunctional. Just talk to him, as if *gasp* you were two adults!

That said, um, even though Jen sounds like a total bitch (shooting you down, not taking you seriously, why the hell would you stand for that and not just go off on her?), I would probably end up being jealous and a little controlling in her situation, too. Right now, you're getting what she can't have from the person who she wants it from most. That's gotta sting, bitchiness aside.
 
I'm with Annabel on this one. You can't let the situation continue like it is. If Jen doesn't want you to have any contact with Ed, why doesn't she just call off the situation? I'm sorry for the frustration you're feeling. :(
 
I can see your frustration, but I'm going to take the other side for a second.

Jen and Ed are married. They met you. It was sexual, you with both of them. Then Jen got pregnant. Not only that, but she has a high-risk pregnancy, which means not only is she limited in what she can do, but she is most likely seriously anxious and scared about the health of her baby. So she's anxious, worried, stressed and filled with pregnancy hormones (which, just to explain, make you a bit extra crazy and sensitive anyway), she's not getting the sexual side of her met AT ALL, she's probably feeling huge and uncomfortable and miserable.

And because she's pregnant, now it's not all three of you in bed, but just you and Ed. So the unicorn situation has become you and him instead-- an issue that can be problematic when it happens, even without all of the extra added stress and hormones involved.

She's miserable, hormonal, stressed, scared, and not getting her sexual needs met.

I understand why she may feel like she's losing her connections. You're getting them, everybody else is having fun, and she's in hell.

An exaggeration, I know. But pregnancy is tough even without beginning poly relationships and fearing for your future child's life.

I do agree with maybe speaking with Ed, or both of them, and expressing your concerns with how you feel you're being treated. But you may want to consider that while you are upset that Jen is not taking your needs into consideration, you really aren't taking her situation and needs into consideration either.

Communication with a pregnant woman can be difficult, at best. Ask any husband who's gone through it with their SO's. Picture the worst crazy PMS you've ever had, and multiply that times 10 and go through it for 9 months. Expecting her to be entirely rational and communicating clearly right now (at least all of the time) is probably an exercise in futility.
 
I just wanted to add... maybe instead of going to them (or him) with complaints of what you aren't getting, could you see if there's something you could do to help them out? Give a little?

Relationships are give and take. Sometimes you're going to be giving more than you get, and vice versa. This seems to be a time when giving a little more is going to be more helpful in the long run.

What do you think is going to benefit this relationship better? Saying you're feeling left out and mistreated... or going to Jen and telling her how you can see how hard this must be for her, and how stressed out she must be, and asking what you could do to help relieve some of that stress?

Maybe if she saw you as a partner in the relationship, who would be there for him AND her, she wouldn't feel so threatened and wouldn't be so apt to strike out? It might not be the case, but what could it hurt to try?

My guess is if you continue to see her as a "bitch", your feelings are going to come through loud and clear (if they haven't already), and you'll end up losing both of them.

It's up to you...
 
I`m with Minxxa on this one. Besides everything Minxxa said, let's point out a glaring thing here. She has a lot going on with the pregnancy, things that most people would use to turn around and kick your ass to the curb, disgruntled or not. Yet, she has not. So, is it possible she has some hope to salvage the situation?

Jen is in a situation where Ed obviously loves her through any possible changes due to her high-risk pregnancy and situation. She can count on him. You, on the other hand, couldnt give a flying fuck about her anymore. The sex was good, now it's gone, and she`s just a bitch in your eyes.

What does she 'owe' you, again? Remind me.

She very well could be every inch the bitch you said, pregnancy or not. I`m not sure how a few romps in the sack equate to you having this entitlement to Ed, on your own terms. They have kinda made it clear, haven`t they?

All you control is yourself. I understand this is a vent. However, many of the things you say sound built up in your own mind, and not truly talked through with her.
 
For the record, my response stemmed a good bit from remembering Cran's last thread and how frustrating/messed up it all sounded then. I'm surprised to see the situation is still going on, rly. I know that's not the most helpful attitude, advice-wise. Minxxa has some good stuff to say, assuming that this is actually a relationship and not just a weird, controlling sexual powerplay dynamic.
 
AnnabelMore said:
For the record, my response stemmed a good bit from remembering Cran's last thread and how frustrating/messed up it all sounded then. I'm surprised to see the situation is still going on, rly. I know that's not the most helpful attitude, advice-wise. Minxxa has some good stuff to say, assuming that this is actually a relationship and not just a weird, controlling sexual powerplay dynamic.
Click to expand...

Good point. I forget the story, and didnt recognize the username.
 
AnnabelMore said:
For the record, my response stemmed a good bit from remembering Cran's last thread and how frustrating/messed up it all sounded then. I'm surprised to see the situation is still going on, rly. I know that's not the most helpful attitude, advice-wise. Minxxa has some good stuff to say, assuming that this is actually a relationship and not just a weird, controlling sexual powerplay dynamic.
Click to expand...

Yeah, I didn't remember that either. Still, how much of that old weirdness might be due to the pregnancy and hormones? (I can't remember how long they've all been dating.)

Just saying, pregnancy will make you loopy in the best of times and under the best of circumstances. Trying to judge someone's personality based solely on how they act when they're flooded with hormones is not going to be reliable.

Personally, I remember being so out of it sometimes I felt like another person. And having the hubs say things like "calm down".... boy howdy. I wanted to kill somebody! LOL

Edited: I looked back and it looks like at the point they asked CS to be the girlfriend, Jenwas 3 months preggers. Perhaps making a big giant step like that during a pregnancy and the change that comes with it wasn't the wisest choice.
 
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You're totally doing the thing. You know, the one women with crushes on men do, where they don't want to see anything wrong with the guy and everything is the fault of the other woman (his wife/his ex/whatever). You do not have Ed's contact information. That's Jen's fault, because she doesn't want you to have it. It's equally his fault because he's either too afraid to disagree with her or doesn't want you to have it that badly, anyway. And it's your fault, because you're expecting to get more out of this than they're willing to give, and instead of drawing your own boundaries and sticking to them, you're blaming it on Jen I wouldn't be so harsh, but you did call her a bitch, so...

CranberryStardust said:
If Jen is jealous or resentful or feeling negative about it, shouldn't she just cut it off?
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If you're feeling negative about it, shouldn't you then, by your own logic, cut it off?

I agree with SourGirl, she doesn't owe you anything. If your needs aren't being met, you need to do something about it.
 
rory said:
If you're feeling negative about it, shouldn't you then, by your own logic, cut it off?

I agree with SourGirl, she doesn't owe you anything. If your needs aren't being met, you need to do something about it.
Click to expand...

Hmm... good point. Jen shouldn't be passive aggressive with you, but she is going through a major life change right now, and you also have the power to disconnect yourself from the situation.
 
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During 2 out of 5 of my pregnancies:
I wore clothing I thought looked fab at the time, but hideous afterwards.
I detested foods I normally loved (5 out of 5 times).
I listened to different music then I normally ever would (4 out of 5 times).
I put up with peoples crap, when I normally wouldn't, or vice versa. (every time).

Afterwards, when all the 'baby-crack' was out of my system, I really looked back and was in awe of the alien I became during that time. I had one instance where I cried in a restaurant, because the person who made my chicken burger, put the toppings underneath the burger, rather then on top. I just kept sniffling, "That's why they are called toppings, not bottomings." :eek:

My husband and I are pretty darn open, have been for many years, but I think if he took on a girlfriend while I was preggers, I would have snapped like a twig. When pregnancies, and fears for a baby's survival are about, it changes your outlook. You can feel very alone in the universe. Every bit of support a partner can give, matters.

Sometimes you see people where the father-to-be won't drink alcohol during the pregnancy because his wife can't, or won't do other things that they would normally do together. Someone can get their maternal briefs in a twist, and think its all co-dependency, but really, it can just be support, like jogging a marathon to support someone in need.

So I would urge Cranberry that if she can't be a tad more compassionate, or at least find some type of positive outlook, then get out now. It's only going to become MORE about the baby, not less, in the months to come. Jen is going to need Ed's input MORE when he can finally help with the actual baby. There is no compersion in knowing the father of your child is off bonking the new chick, while you are at home with another sleepless night, deciding which way to breastfeed for the 20th attempt.
 
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I'd be concerned about a guy who lets his wife be the gatekeeper. How is Ed reacting to things? Is he ok with the way things are?

Are you willing to remain in a polyamorous relationship with this couple, or are you a cowgirl? Whoa there, sister! Be careful. They have a baby to think about.

I was crazy over the first guy who gave me an orgasm. (I was 30!) Then I discovered, he wasn't exclusively magical. Showerheads and vibrators and, eventually, other men, were capable of producing the same effect. There are lots of stimulators in the the sea... :rolleyes:
 
Cranberry,

I think it's time you stood up for yourself and broke it off. You don't need either one of them in your life. The dictator wife who will only allow you to be with her husband on her terms, never alone, unable to even talk or email him privately, and belittling you when you express your needs. And her ineffectual, weak husband who happened to get you off, but does nothing else to treat you like someone who is cared about. You, always feeling dismissed, discarded, disrespected and inconsequential to both of them.

Who needs that bullshit? Time to let go of them and get yourself a life.

There are loving people out there with fewer issues, or at least issues that won't damage your spirit or esteem, who would welcome you into a relationship in a nurturing healthy and fulfilling way. But sometimes, those new doors won't open until you close the old ones.

Snap out of it!
 
1) I don't need pregnancy explained to me. I have a child.

2) The impression I get is that Jen does feel jealous or left out, but doesn't want Ed to be miserable with the lack of sex in the relationship, so she is just tolerant enough to keep me around to help HER husband get off. I feel used, just like I did before.

3) I don't think she owes me anything but some common decency and respect. To not act indifferent, as if I am just any other little slut off the street with mediocre sex to offer. If they have other options, I wish they would explore them, and I intend to tell her that. I don't go into any relationship regarding the other person(s) involved as objects. I treat them as friends, no matter what the sexual dynamic is.

Example: I told Jen (since, remember, can't talk to Ed) that I felt like I tasted different and I felt weird about it. She asked me how I tasted myself. I told her, and then asked if he had said anything about it. She didn't say anything for two hours, so I finally just said, "I guess that's a yes..." She responds, "Oops was taking my kid to school Haha". Ummm... okay, so you take the time to text back, but still don't answer the damn question? It's almost like she enjoys me feeling insecure. But how is that supposed to make me want to come over and be intimate with him?

I am just sick of her power trip. It's not my fault she can't fuck her husband.
 
In all this time, have you once said to Ed, "Hey, can I get your number?" or to Jen, "Hey, would it bother you if I asked Ed for his number?" If not, why not?
 
I guess I stay because the sex is so good. And it's safer than having sex with a single guy with whom I might get too involved or who might hurt me.
 
Wait, so you were asking Jen if your pussy tasted different than hers did, and if Ed had mentioned anything to her about that, right? Were you wondering if he compared you two, or if you tasted "okay"? Did HE say anything to YOU about it?

I would be curious to hear what others have to say about the taste subject. I am a straight female, so I wouldn't know, personally! :p

I am also curious. Does Ed have your number? Or does everything have to go through Jen, exclusively? Is she the pimp? He can't even make his own booty calls?

You are more than just a sex toy. It's not right to be used that way. You can do much more than just get Ed off. You are a lovely person with love to give. It sounds like you were open to giving love to BOTH of them, too -- so it is a shame that they are only interested in one thing you have to offer. If you want to do that, honey, go get paid for it! If you want to give more of yourself, you may have to look elsewhere, for some people who are capable and willing to give you the respect you deserve.
 
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