Okcupid help

P

poly6

New member
Ok so I don't know if I've said this on here before but a few months ago I did briefly have an okcupid account. It didn't really work out for me at the time.

I didn't get any messages though I sent a few, a couple girls checked the profile but none ever replied. Nothing really came out of it for me.

I think one of the things that hurts my chances is being kinky may be a turnoff and also I didn't have any pictures(recent ones) of myself at the time, so I didn't have a photo of myself on my profile unfortunately. I also wonder if my race had anything to do with it, though I may or may not be over-thinking it.

Regardless people on here seem to recommend that site above all others, so my question would be if I were to set up there again what should I do different or better this time. Also keep in mind that where I'm going to college is currently sort of a small town where most people are alike(very religious or very country in a way) which is why I tried doing it at home which is also a small town but has a bit more variety.
 
If I was guessing, I'd say the lack of pic is FAR more of a problem than the kink or the race question. I know I'm probably shallow for this but a profile would have to be pretty exceptional to get a message/reply from me without a picture.
 
I NEVER respond without at least one photo, usually won't respond unless there are a few. Way too many phony people/creepers online. I know pictures are easy enough to steal, but seeing a few photos in different environments really helps weed out some of the nonsense.

Kink and race don't really register for me. Being kinky is incredibly common around here, though, especially with poly people.
 
poly6 said:
When you say they don't register do you mean you don't care or don't want it?
Click to expand...

I mean I don't even notice it. It doesn't register on my radar.

poly6 said:
Also is it possible that I'm too young and that limits my pool more?
Click to expand...

How old are you?
 
Then, yes. I'm sure your age limits your online dating pool significantly.

Most 19-year-olds haven't thought about polyamory. Most haven't even seriously thought about settling down monogamously, although many probably just assume that's what they'll do eventually. They're just (in general) dating and having fun and doing whatever they want.

I'm 25. I RARELY meet anyone under 30 from OkCupid. I'm okay with this, because I am generally attracted to people between 30-38, anyway, but if I were YOUR age... I'd want to find people a little younger, and most people a little younger just haven't seriously thought out relationship structure like that. I identified as open then as poly kind of early because I married the guy I dated in high school. If I hadn't? Who knows where I'd be, but I highly doubt I'd be online looking for dates.
 
I'm definitely an unusual teenager which I know inhibits my chances, so I guess I should wait a while?
 
I think you should strive for what you want. If you want to be trying to meet people, go for it. If it's only going to cause you upset if you're unsuccessful? Then I'd wait a bit or meet people more naturally (shared interests) and see if they're open to poly.
 
The later for me feels a lot less likely to work. Especially where I'm located, finding a kinky girl is a challenge alone now I'm going to add poly to the mix? Chances are almost zero.
 
I'd say the lack of picture is probably the main problem. Being kinky can also be a bit too... forward, a lot of people will assume you're only in it for the sex when you mention your kinks on your profile, so depending on what they are, it might be best not to dwell too much on them, unless you refuse to date anyone who isn't into them as well.

The race, well, I'm sure some people have a preference, but I would think it wouldn't be such a huge factor. I may be wrong but at any rate, people who are uninterested in you because of your race would be bad matches (and wouldn't want to be with you in you met in person either, presumably).

What did you talk about on your profile? You'll want to talk about your passions and interests, show what kind of person you are, what you have to offer. If you only say you're a nice guy, for instance, it's a little bit boring. Of course being nice is great, but it's kind of a basic requirement. When looking for a partner, people want to see what their hobbies and interests are, if they have any in common, or if there is anything that looks interesting that they could learn from a partner.

But yes, have new pictures taken, some that showcase you, including one doing some activity you enjoy, so that you have a topic of discussion with people you message or who message you. That would probably be the biggest step you can take towards getting messages.
 
Has anyone taken a look at your profile and given you feedback about improvements you could make? Often you won't notice glaring errors that stand out to others because you know what you were thinking when you wrote it and that makes you read it the way you meant it rather than the way it's actually written.
 
Well in regards to the kinky things, I merely mentioned that I was extremely kinky in the profile. I didn't go into any details and listed none of the things I was into. In fact after mentioning it I went out of my way to mention that just because I was kinky didn't mean I was easy and that if someone messaged me just to talk about that I would not reply. I even told them I wouldn't talk about it till I knew them well enough and mentioned the emotional and romantic attachment.

Also no one ever messaged me at all so I never got any form of feedback.
 
I wish there was a way to recover everything I wrote in the profile and post it here to show. But I deleted it.
 
As an older woman who loves younger people, to me your age isn't an issue. Ha. However, I would never respond to or even message someone without a photo of themselves. I've seen pics of inanimate objects, a pet, a tree, a sailboat. I don't want to date a tree. Haha.

I also don't think kinky is a problem at all. I've met lots of kinky people on OKC.

Just make sure your profile says what you want...be articulate.
 
poly6 said:
Well in regards to the kinky things, I merely mentioned that I was extremely kinky in the profile. I didn't go into any details and listed none of the things I was into. In fact after mentioning it I went out of my way to mention that just because I was kinky didn't mean I was easy and that if someone messaged me just to talk about that I would not reply. I even told them I wouldn't talk about it till I knew them well enough and mentioned the emotional and romantic attachment.

Also no one ever messaged me at all so I never got any form of feedback.
Click to expand...

I would avoid too many negatives - maybe try phrasing it without using so many negative words. Something like "I'm extremely kinky, but I require a true emotional and romantic attachment to someone before I'm comfortable delving into it."

Some people may have questions, though. I'm okay if my partner is kinky in general, but if it's a REQUIREMENT in a partner (AKA me)... It could go either way. If they want to humiliate me in any way, it's a no go. If they want to beat me or have me beat them, sure. If they want me to tie them up, okay, but I am NOT okay having my movement limited. So... Once BASIC interest is established, you may need to answer a few questions or elaborate for people.

I re-write my profile pretty completely about twice a year - I wouldn't stress about losing it. Just make the new one reflect who you are. :)
 
So is it bad if I require my mate to be kinky then? Also your right I probably did use too many negatives. I like the way you phrased it better.
 
It's not "bad" to require your mate to be kinky because that's what you prefer. Definitely try and get what you want...I can assure you that there are plenty of kinky people out there. Remember, though, that there are tons of different kinks, so just saying "I'm kinky" doesn't really say much. I like what others said about re-writing your profile and specifying that kink is something you do with people you trust and of course leave something to the imagination and something to discuss with people later.

I like to say something like I don't have a list of kinks that I absolutely must do, but it depends on the vibe I have with the person. I have one dynamic with my wife, but that doesn't mean I want to do that stuff with everyone. Some people have definite things they must do in order to enjoy themselves...I'm a little more flexible.
 
Thanks.

I know that kink is definitely a subjective term and what constitutes as "kinky" to one will be unappealing to another. For example I don't like cross-dressing, diapers and sharp objects.

I just don't really want to list my kinks on my profile for the world to see ya know? Because I'm so weird about it, I also tend to be very secretive too, so I would rather talk to her about it after I trust her and hope she won't go using this against me to humiliate me or cause me problems in public in the future(regardless of whether it works out or not).

As for do I require the same kinks for everyone? Well I need an emotional attachment so I guess not but for any woman I had an emotional attachment too, the answer I think at least would be yes. At least I think so.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top