Hi there!
My partner, Tor, and I are going through some big life changes at the moment and it's brought up some interesting and intense feelings on both sides. We've been having a lot of fantastic, in depth conversations, but after reading through some other blogs it felt like maybe this will be a good place to log life events and examine thoughts and feelings. Normally I'm not very good at updating a blog regularly, in large part because it takes me awhile to get words out of my head and onto paper, but maybe this one will stick.
It seems like the best place to start might be with some basic information. Tor and I have lived together since August 2014, we have a very hierarchical relationship though we don't have strict rules (outside of safety, honesty, and respect) nor do we have strict expectations about what shapes other relationships can take. We are best friends, lovers, partners in crimes, and play partners in the best sense and at the moment we are mutually happy investing more time and energy into our relationship with each other than with anyone else.
Currently we are situated on the West Coast, but in about a month we will be moving back to my hometown on the East Coast in order to pursue/finish post secondary education. For me it's my second degree, for Tor it's finishing his first degree at a more recognized university than the one he is currently at. When I moved out west I was involved with three lovely men, C, Apex, and JR. Prior to leaving I was seeing Apex 3-5 days a week, C once or twice a week, and JR intermittently. I was also in an LDR with Russia, but that's since transitioned to a close friendship. Our agreement was that if I ever moved back I would go out for a coffee with each other them and we would see how everything felt. During a recent trip to go apartment hunting, I got to spend time with C and Apex, and while it was great to see both of them, I feel like I have maybe developed slightly stronger feelings for C and things with Apex haven't felt totally comfortable. But we'll see what happens once I'm back for good.
I'm also involved with a couple in a nearby West Coast city, we've known each other for a year-ish but the romantic involvement is fairly new and while we've made tentative visiting plans after I've moved, nothing is set in stone. Tor and I have had some AMAZINGLY fun rolling around times with these two. Let's call them A and T
Finally, I'm kind of weirdly involved with a person in my home city. There are about a million reasons why we shouldn't see each other and we've spent the last two years trying not to get involved after our initial fling. But we're both still extremely attracted to each other and with Tor's encouragement we sat down and talked a few things out and now things are...kind of...a thing? Like I said, it's hard to put the words in my head on paper sometimes.
Basically it went from Tor and I being functionally monogamous to a bunch of people popping up. Most of them were old flames so it's still quite comfortable and at the moment I don't feel particularly polysaturated. Tor has met all of the ones he is able to meet and gets along well with them (he had coffee with A and T on a visit while I was away and it was the BEST combination or compersion and happy jealousy at the same time) so at the moment things feel very well balanced on my end of things.
Where a lot of feelings are coming up is with Tor's summer job and all of the women it's suddenly put him in contact with. This is really his first foray into going on dates as he's had a bit of a hard struggle with anxiety and depression and trying to find emotional energy for that, school, work, me, and himself. I'm so happy he's finally feeling confident in his looks (despite being one of the sexiest men I've ever met), comfortable in large crowds, and having fun and relaxing. It's great to see him going out and having life experiences without me around to facilitate it. It's also hard because I am on the other side of the country right now and the time difference has given us one or two hours a day free to talk and catch up and I'm sorely wishing I could enjoy this kind of quality time with him.
But, and of course there's a but, because otherwise where would the difficult feelings be coming from? I'm having a hard time letting go. Part of me is afraid that he's going to go off and have experiences with other women and decide that he likes being single, or wants to be monogamous, or just likes having a new person around more than he likes having me around. Which is stupid, we have a very strong relationship and there's no reason for me to doubt that he will come back happier and excited and I'll get to enjoy hearing all about his dates. But there's still that fear.
My other issue is the type of people he's pursuing right now. They're all early twenties and they're all traditional monogamists (there's three he's actively going after and one he's idly flirting with) and they all say they are into nonmonogamy, but the way they've interacted with him at work and at company social times has come off as very non communicative and not very emotionally responsible. There have been more than a couple of flaked out dates and the way they've dealt with it has felt so disrespectful and immature. However Tor wants to handle pursuing people is ultimately his business, but it makes me so mad to hear that he's being treated this way.
I'm not totally sure why I'm getting as annoyed and tense about this as I am, but I'm hoping over the next little while I'll be able to do some more soul searching and thinking and work my way through this. I also hope that he finally FINALLY gets some fun rolling around times with one of these girls soon.
My partner, Tor, and I are going through some big life changes at the moment and it's brought up some interesting and intense feelings on both sides. We've been having a lot of fantastic, in depth conversations, but after reading through some other blogs it felt like maybe this will be a good place to log life events and examine thoughts and feelings. Normally I'm not very good at updating a blog regularly, in large part because it takes me awhile to get words out of my head and onto paper, but maybe this one will stick.
It seems like the best place to start might be with some basic information. Tor and I have lived together since August 2014, we have a very hierarchical relationship though we don't have strict rules (outside of safety, honesty, and respect) nor do we have strict expectations about what shapes other relationships can take. We are best friends, lovers, partners in crimes, and play partners in the best sense and at the moment we are mutually happy investing more time and energy into our relationship with each other than with anyone else.
Currently we are situated on the West Coast, but in about a month we will be moving back to my hometown on the East Coast in order to pursue/finish post secondary education. For me it's my second degree, for Tor it's finishing his first degree at a more recognized university than the one he is currently at. When I moved out west I was involved with three lovely men, C, Apex, and JR. Prior to leaving I was seeing Apex 3-5 days a week, C once or twice a week, and JR intermittently. I was also in an LDR with Russia, but that's since transitioned to a close friendship. Our agreement was that if I ever moved back I would go out for a coffee with each other them and we would see how everything felt. During a recent trip to go apartment hunting, I got to spend time with C and Apex, and while it was great to see both of them, I feel like I have maybe developed slightly stronger feelings for C and things with Apex haven't felt totally comfortable. But we'll see what happens once I'm back for good.
I'm also involved with a couple in a nearby West Coast city, we've known each other for a year-ish but the romantic involvement is fairly new and while we've made tentative visiting plans after I've moved, nothing is set in stone. Tor and I have had some AMAZINGLY fun rolling around times with these two. Let's call them A and T
Finally, I'm kind of weirdly involved with a person in my home city. There are about a million reasons why we shouldn't see each other and we've spent the last two years trying not to get involved after our initial fling. But we're both still extremely attracted to each other and with Tor's encouragement we sat down and talked a few things out and now things are...kind of...a thing? Like I said, it's hard to put the words in my head on paper sometimes.
Basically it went from Tor and I being functionally monogamous to a bunch of people popping up. Most of them were old flames so it's still quite comfortable and at the moment I don't feel particularly polysaturated. Tor has met all of the ones he is able to meet and gets along well with them (he had coffee with A and T on a visit while I was away and it was the BEST combination or compersion and happy jealousy at the same time) so at the moment things feel very well balanced on my end of things.
Where a lot of feelings are coming up is with Tor's summer job and all of the women it's suddenly put him in contact with. This is really his first foray into going on dates as he's had a bit of a hard struggle with anxiety and depression and trying to find emotional energy for that, school, work, me, and himself. I'm so happy he's finally feeling confident in his looks (despite being one of the sexiest men I've ever met), comfortable in large crowds, and having fun and relaxing. It's great to see him going out and having life experiences without me around to facilitate it. It's also hard because I am on the other side of the country right now and the time difference has given us one or two hours a day free to talk and catch up and I'm sorely wishing I could enjoy this kind of quality time with him.
But, and of course there's a but, because otherwise where would the difficult feelings be coming from? I'm having a hard time letting go. Part of me is afraid that he's going to go off and have experiences with other women and decide that he likes being single, or wants to be monogamous, or just likes having a new person around more than he likes having me around. Which is stupid, we have a very strong relationship and there's no reason for me to doubt that he will come back happier and excited and I'll get to enjoy hearing all about his dates. But there's still that fear.
My other issue is the type of people he's pursuing right now. They're all early twenties and they're all traditional monogamists (there's three he's actively going after and one he's idly flirting with) and they all say they are into nonmonogamy, but the way they've interacted with him at work and at company social times has come off as very non communicative and not very emotionally responsible. There have been more than a couple of flaked out dates and the way they've dealt with it has felt so disrespectful and immature. However Tor wants to handle pursuing people is ultimately his business, but it makes me so mad to hear that he's being treated this way.
I'm not totally sure why I'm getting as annoyed and tense about this as I am, but I'm hoping over the next little while I'll be able to do some more soul searching and thinking and work my way through this. I also hope that he finally FINALLY gets some fun rolling around times with one of these girls soon.
