Opening Up a Mono Marriage and Wanting a Non-Hierarchical Poly Relationship

[lunabunny]

If you're reading this and you practice non-hierarchical, non-coercive polyamory, would you mind indicating that in your post. I could use some role-models. Thanks.

I'm in a closed poly "V". There is no hierarchy, though only I am poly. Both of my partners are monogamish, with me. They used to be involved with each other - funnily enough, as "FWBs" - but are no longer, except for (very) occasional light play.

 

[Rockit49]

Hi

Welcome to the Forum, Kat!
Thank you for sharing! It's a good beginning.. Introspection, honest communication... Sharing!
We all fumble we all do.
To your post questions.
Yes, you are being selfish... Aren't we all though,
Yes, you need to wait first
Work on keeping a happy marriage
Or, yeah, it's the start of a new deal and if you want to keep you current SO, she is asking you not to cross her boundaries!
Ask yourself if that's how you want to start a new relationship with her, your love?
I don't like long post. Short and sweet.
Good luck, enjoy the place, it has some awesome wisdom if you really want to enjoy good ethical poly!
To each their own Taste

 

[dragonette]

I agree that it's unrealistic to expect your wife to not only agree to you seeing someone else after years of monogamy, but also drop all her expectations of primariness right away. For most people, being "primary" in a partner's life is the definition of "being in a relationship." It's a big change to be "one of a number of important people."

I think hierarchy doesn't work in the long term -- your new partner will eventually feel restricted and demeaned by rules that say your wife always comes first or is entitled to certain things because of her wife status. But using your philosophical objection to hierarchy as a justification to let your NRE go wild will be hurtful to your wife, and, ultimately, to you. Non-hierarchical does not mean "ignore the needs of the existing partner" -- if you love that partner, she should naturally come first for quite a while, until your new relationship becomes more established and earns an important role in your life.

Even in monogamous dating, I've always tried not to spend too much time with a new partner, because I knew that I couldn't really know him yet. Getting our lives really intertwined and putting less time into my friends and hobbies to spend more time with someone who might turn out to be temporary didn't make sense to me.

In your case, you've got a wonderful relationship with a wonderful person. If you take things slow with your new person, your wife may be able to adjust and to feel confident that you'll continue to make her and your child a priority. Perhaps she'll find that she appreciates having some time and space, or the new perspective that you bring to your relationship, and she can be happy with your poly situation. But if you rush, your wife won't have time to adjust. She'll just be trying to tolerate your other relationship, and your relationship with your wife will almost certainly suffer. Sacrificing a marriage just because you're feeling NRE is something you'd likely regret.

 

[PolyNatural]

Hi, this is my first time posting.

Welcome

My wife and I (both females) have been in a monogamous relationship for 14 years (10 of which we've been married) ... And, I don't want to do any hierarchical stuff (primary/secondary relationships). I want non-coercive, non-hierarchical relationships ...

A marriage automatically creates a hierarchy, especially if it's a legal marriage. If it's legal, so long as there is a partner outside the marriage, there will always be an imbalance in the rights and responsibilities, regardless of whatever you might personally think or feel. That's because legal marriages provide legal rights that are spelled out in the statutes of your jurisdiction. So even if you think it's one way, a judge, benefits analyst, bank, and other people in general ( including yours truly ) might think otherwise.

1. Am i being unrealisitc, selfish for feeling this way:[/

No. What you're feeling is perfectly natural.

I love and adore my wife and want very badly for us to stay together.

Fabulous.

However, after decades of denying my poly identity to myself and others, i don't want to wait any longer, especially when I've met someone I really like. And, liking him is actually deepening my attraction, love, and appreciation for my wife.

Understandable.

2. What are some specific things folks have done to comfort and reassure their existing partner that you can both feel the NRE AND still be so happy and grateful in your existing relationship?

Unfortunately mono people often just don't get it and never will. All you can do is carry on, keep your principles intact, use whatever resources you have available ( counselling etc. ), and hope they learn to adapt. Otherwise you'll end up compromising yourself, and in doing so compromise both relationships at the same time.

Thank you very much for any advice you can offer

It was probably not very helpful, but I wish you luck. My partner was mono and we'd been seeing each other for 2 years and she just broke up with me yesterday ( again ) over me being poly ( sigh ). Maybe your relationships will be stronger and more malleable. Best wishes for 2018