Our poly family has begun!

Things went super well for...a weekend.

Your 12 year old daughter is uncomfortable with you sleeping with a man who is not her father. Plus she's got a crush on him?

Plus you're not being entirely honest with her. And when you are, you know it's a fact that's going to make her uncomfortable.

But you'll just move ahead because it went 'super well'...for a weekend.

How much do you put on kids and just keep thinking they'll come around?
 
Willow64 said:
I said we have been TALKING ABOUT THIS for 2 months... this man has been around all us for a year. I'm not sure if I'm just totally being misunderstood or if there is some serious nastiness going on... :confused:
Click to expand...
I understood that you meant talking about it for two months. But talking about what, that is the question, it seeems. The thread says "our family has begun", and you refer to him "moving in", but do you mean you are now open to the kids about the relationship and that he has started to spend the weekends (or some weekends) with your family in your house? Because everyone here responded to the idea of him living in your house all week, having his mail sent there, sharing finances and so on. Perhaps we misunderstand you on account of the word "move".

If he is just there on the weekends then the adjustment might be easier for your kids, and that is the solution that most teen parents adopt when becoming open about a new relationship, for 1-2 years or as a permanent solution.
 
Last edited:
Personally, I don't see a problem here. Some of you are acting like she invited a complete stranger to live in her home. Clearly this is not the case. I think she knows the situation better than anyone. I congratulate her and her family on taking their relationship to the next level.
 
vinsanity0 said:
Personally, I don't see a problem here. Some of you are acting like she invited a complete stranger to live in her home. Clearly this is not the case. I think she knows the situation better than anyone. I congratulate her and her family on taking their relationship to the next level.
Click to expand...

I guess the little matter of the 12 year old daughter is insignificant to you.
 
FallenAngelina said:
I guess the little matter of the 12 year old daughter is insignificant to you.
Click to expand...

I wouldn't say insignificant. From past posts he seems well equipped to deal with her. Children are people, not fragile little eggshells. You can't spend your whole life hiding them from disappointment. I think it would be grossly unfair to do that to a child. She will get over her crush. It's just a crush. It should be dealt with directly. Of course, that is just my opinion. I always took the direct approach when raising my kids.
 
Inyourendo said:
Whatever the grown-ups want right? Kids just don't have any say what goes on in their life, its sad how rare parents actually factor them into decisions that affect their life
Click to expand...

Yes, whatever the grown-ups want, within reason. It's not like they are planning ritual sacrifices and the 12 year old is next on the list. Their decision is not rendering the child homeless.

A child isn't always going to like what their parents do. Too bad. My newest GF has a 12 year old daughter. The daughter doesn't particularly care for her mom's poly lifestyle. Should she give up being poly? Should she go back to her jerk ex just to appease a 12 year old? No, they work through stuff.

Maybe I have this outlook because I wasn't coddled as a child?
 
vinsanity0 said:
Yes, whatever the grown-ups want, within reason. It's not like they are planning ritual sacrifices and the 12 year old is next on the list. Their decision is not rendering the child homeless.

A child isn't always going to like what their parents do. Too bad. My newest GF has a 12 year old daughter. The daughter doesn't particularly care for her mom's poly lifestyle. Should she give up being poly? Should she go back to her jerk ex just to appease a 12 year old? No, they work through stuff.

Maybe I have this outlook because I wasn't coddled as a child?
Click to expand...

No but you openly date your partner and slowly integrate them into the family after several months before bringing up group family discussions about moving into the new home. If the child is that adement against it after all that then go to family therapy to work through it together.

NOT sneak around behind the kids back and just move someone in without any talk of polyamory or time for them to process this HUGE change .
 
I would give the same advice to a monogamous person wanting to open up about their new relationship to their kids. Take it SLOOOOW. If kids are "people", then treat them respectfully, including their crushes for as long as they have them.
 
Inyourendo said:
No but you openly date your partner and slowly integrate them into the family after several months before bringing up group family discussions about moving into the new home. If the child is that adement against it after all that then go to family therapy to work through it together.

NOT sneak around behind the kids back and just move someone in without any talk of polyamory or time for them to process this HUGE change .
Click to expand...

From what I've read they've done all that. I don't think they have to go as far as announcing to their children who is having sex with who. I don't think that constitutes doing things behind the child's back.
 
*this has nothing to do with who "mom is having sex with ". This is about giving them time to adjust to mom being in a relationship and eventually moving him in. You don't just move a family friend into the house and go " oh by the way I'm poly now and we're in a relationship "the 12 year old is going to be upset and she Will not have a safe haven to get over this because it's going to be in her face 24/7
 
Inyourendo said:
*this has nothing to do with who "mom is having sex with ". This is about giving them time to adjust to mom being in a relationship and eventually moving him in. You don't just move a family friend into the house and go " oh by the way I'm poly now and we're in a relationship "the 12 year old is going to be upset and she Will not have a safe haven to get over this because it's going to be in her face 24/7
Click to expand...

So you don't think a year is enough time? Did you read any of her posts? This has already been discussed with the kids. The daughter is fine with him moving in. From what I recall, she doesn't want them sleeping in the same bed. There may be some rough spots but I think kids are more resilient than you give them credit for. Also, the kids were away, so obviously there is somewhere for her to go if she is, for some reason, as utterly traumatized as you seem to think she will be.

Don't get me wrong. Nothing wrong with being cautious, I just think some of you have blown things a bit out of proportion.
 
vinsanity0 said:
So you don't think a year is enough time? Did you read any of her posts? This has already been discussed with the kids. The daughter is fine with him moving in. From what I recall, she doesn't want them sleeping in the same bed. There may be some rough spots but I think kids are more resilient than you give them credit for. Also, the kids were away, so obviously there is somewhere for her to go if she is, for some reason, as utterly traumatized as you seem to think she will be.

Don't get me wrong. Nothing wrong with being cautious, I just think some of you have blown things a bit out of proportion.
Click to expand...

You have never been a 12 yo girl whose Mom landed her crush and will be have a her Mom carry on a romantic relationship with said crush in her face 24/7.

You are a 50 something year old man who has never been a little girl who has had her heart broken.
 
I only know a couple of people who remarried while they had kids at home but I have heard that people of all ages have been known to get married a year after starting to date someone. Unless there is a real problem between the prospective step parent and a child I don't imagine people decide not to get married so fast just because of the kids.

Kids are as squidgy about their own parents' sexuality as they are likely to be about a parent and essentially a step parent. I suppose if the 12 year old is heavily invested in fairytale/pop culture "happily ever after' monogamy it might bother her more than otherwise. Are 6th graders having more serious relationships now than when I was 12? Mine have not.

Leetah
 
Last edited:
vinsanity0 said:
So you don't think a year is enough time? Did you read any of her posts? This has already been discussed with the kids. The daughter is fine with him moving in. From what I recall, she doesn't want them sleeping in the same bed. There may be some rough spots but I think kids are more resilient than you give them credit for. Also, the kids were away, so obviously there is somewhere for her to go if she is, for some reason, as utterly traumatized as you seem to think she will be.

Don't get me wrong. Nothing wrong with being cautious, I just think some of you have blown things a bit out of proportion.
Click to expand...

But they haven't been dating a year. A year of them openly dating, sure that is long enough time to start talking about moving in together.
 
Dagferi said:
You have never been a 12 yo girl whose Mom landed her crush and will be have a her Mom carry on a romantic relationship with said crush in her face 24/7.

You are a 50 something year old man who has never been a little girl who has had her heart broken.
Click to expand...

I have been a young boy with wildly inappropriate crushes that didn't come to fruition though. Surely you are not insinuating that boys can handle their feelings better than girls.
 
vinsanity0 said:
Seems more like splitting hairs to me.
Click to expand...
People being friends or girlfriend/boyfriend may seem like a trivial distinction to you, but most people react to changes in roles like that. It takes a while for the new situation to settle. That may be difficult to see for the person eager to make the change, because they have been preparing towards it. The people on the receiving end have not.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top