Painful Lesson - Take Heed!

A

Arius

New member
I could actually use some advice. But also, I'm hoping that this story will be a helpful lesson for others.

I am in a beautiful 3-year poly relationship with my live-in partner T.

R is in a non-monogamous relationship with a good friend of mine. I've known R for about 3 years. I've always thought she was the bee's knees. We have a lot in common, and she's just mesmerizing and powerful and inspiring and, well, you get the point. I had kind of a distant admiration / crush on her. Then, several months ago, I put out a mass message offering free guitar lessons. R took up my offer and started coming over once a week. I was ecstatic.

We hit it off really well. Lessons turned into hanging out and talking and laughing. She invited me to some Freeskool classes she was hosting. I started going just to see her. We started flirting and getting close. This went on for a long time. Finally, a few weeks ago, we confessed our mutual attraction.

We made a date. It was wonderful. She invited me to spend the night. I did. We both had a great time.

The next time we spoke, I asked her when I could see her again. She said she wasn't sure. I immediately felt very insecure.

I should mention here that we both knew when we started seeing each other that she was temporarily moving across the country at the end of the summer. I was hoping we could spend as much time together as possible before then. It quickly became apparent that she had other ideas. Unfortunately, she was very busy and testy about me placing demands on her time, so I had a hard time initiating important (and time-consuming) conversations about what we wanted in a relationship.

This is a pattern with us. I consistently feel like I don't want to bother her with my intense feelings, but also feel stuck because the feelings really need to be expressed. She has been somewhat patient about this, but I worry that her patience will run out. And, she's a terrible communicator. Often when I express feelings or needs, she responds with vague metaphors and is generally unclear about her own feelings. I don't think she's doing this on purpose - she seems to just genuinely not be able to communicate openly. My normal tactic would be to respond with more direct questions, but then I feel guilty about bothering her with my feelings again.

Anyway... three weeks after our first date, we had a second date. Again, it was amazing. Again, she asked me to spend the night.

At this point I was somewhat annoyed that it took 3 weeks for us to get together again. Being with her is heaven, and I couldn't believe that she didn't feel the same. She laughs and smiles a lot whenever we're together. Her eyes light up when I enter the room. If we're both at the same event, she sits near me and touches my leg and holds my hand. It's electric.

After that second date, we had a somewhat confused conversation in which I expressed a desire for more time with her and she said she needed a lot of alone time and made it apparent that I was about as important to her as her other friends.

Two weeks later, we had our third and final date before her departure. Only then did we finally talk about what being Poly meant to us. It turns out that, while her partner is fully committed to loving multiple people, she is not. She basically wants one "serious" relationship (with him) and I'm just some sort of fling on the side.

Meanwhile, over the course of the last several months, I've fallen madly in love with her under the assumption that we might one day have a full-blown committed love relationship. I want her to be a serious part of my life. It pained me very deeply to find out that she had no intention of having that kind of relationship with me.

If we'd had this talk much sooner, I could have protected my heart more. Now I have no idea what to do. She's gone, and I won't see her in person for some time. Earliest Christmas, unless I save up and fly out maybe in November (unlikely). She wants me to come visit her. There's magic between us.

It's been an intense emotional rollercoaster. When I'm not dancing on clouds, I am in agony over her. It sucks that she left, but also I'm a little glad for the space and time to work out how I feel and what I want to do. I don't do casual relationships. I fall in love easily, and once I love someone, I never really get over them.

Right now, our relationship is extremely unbalanced. I want much more time and attention than she wants to give. I don't know how to manage this. I can't even concieve of ending things. It's so good between us. I'm trying just to appreciate the time that we do spend together, which is always passionate and mind-blowing.

She knows how I feel. She's asked me to monitor my feelings and keep her apprised. Often, I'm fine. Especially if I focus on the positive. But sometimes I feel rotten. I'm yearning for her. I want her attention. And I also feel a little jealous now that I know that her relationship with my friend has a privileged position above her relationship with me.

I know we could have a really good thing if I could just accept that it's not serious and enjoy it for what it is. If I could somehow let go of my desire for more. It's just so hard because what we have is so intense and wonderful and I want to see her like 3 times a week, not 3 times every 6 weeks.

I guess what I'm wondering is:

1. Does anybody know of any helpful ideas or resources around how to be casual when you want to be serious?

2. Is this even feasible / a good idea?

3. What are the potential pitfalls?
 
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Well the potential pitfall I see is that you don't personalize the acceptance of who she is and what she is willing to give.

She is willing to give you casual.

You can decide to accept or not, but you don't get to ask for more.

A lot of people say "ok" when what they really mean is "I'm saying ok in the hopes that it will change to be what I want if I stick it out". That's a huge disaster in the making.

The key is in being fully honest with yourself. Because if YOU don't do casual relationships (like you said) then the answer is, get out of this. Because it's not what you do.

I have a list of things I want in a relationship. If those aren't met, no relationship. Period. It doesn't mean that the other person isn't a great person. It doesn't mean we don't have feelings for each other. It's simply a matter of me respecting my own needs and my own boundaries and not screwing myself over.

It sounds like you need to have a heart to heart with yourself about what your boundaries/needs/wants are in regards to a relationship and then, whatever you find-stand by that.

Being in love doesn't in any way mean two people are compatible.
 
Thanks for your reply, LovingRadiance.

To be clear - I am most certainly not holding out hope that her position will change. What I'm trying to determine is if I can grow to a place where I can accept what she is offering.
 
Really there is no clear way to answer that for sure. But science shows that we come to accept that which we do.even though we like to believe we do what we believe, that isn't what has been shown in studies. It has actually been shown quite pointedly to be that if we do something we are more likely to come to approve/accept/like it than the other way around.
So by that theory if you force yourself to do it your feelings are likely to realign with it. But theory isn't 100%.
 
"1. Does anybody know of any helpful ideas or resources around how to be casual when you want to be serious?"

Why would you want to do that? There is no guide on how to making yourself want things you don't want. You could compromise and be unhappy, if you choose.
 
I agree with LR in post #2.

The key is in being fully honest with yourself. Because if YOU don't do casual relationships (like you said) then the answer is, get out of this. Because it's not what you do.
Click to expand...

I also think you could be in the bargaining stage of grief as you mourn the loss of her now that she's leaving.

You do not do casual.
Casual is all she is offering.
You are disappointed because you want more and circumstances as well as her own willingness do not allow.

So now you sound like you could be trying to square peg/round hole it to me. Bargaining. I would suggest doing nothing about it. Just let more time pass and the emotional intensity of it to die down a bit. Monitor your feelings as you move through the grief stages. See how you feel later and assess with hopefully clearer, calmer self.

FWIW, I do not think it is "growing" to go after things you do not really want just to cling on and remain in their orbit. That sounds more like shrinking self to fit to me. :(

Galagirl
 
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How to be casual when you want to be serious?

My advice is don't do it. If your heart IS serious, and WANTS serious, no amount of talking or convincing is going to stop the pain of seeing over and over that the other person doesn't feel the same way.

To pretend casual is good enough is really to take the crumbs being offered because you're desperate enough to take what you can. Anyone who does that WILL end up being hurt, and constantly frustrated and in pain that they can't have the more they really want, and that the other person is absolutely fine and getting exactly what THEY want.
 
This is a case of don't waste your time on people not that into you.

Don't make someone a priority that makes you an option.
 
I think you simply let your fantasies and unrealistic expectations run amok. Just because you connected well, enjoyed each other's company, and had some great sex doesn't mean it can or should lead to a "serious" ongoing relationship. Nor does it mean that a caring, loving connection has to be as frequent as you believe it should be. You did not keep your feet on the ground, and were hoping for more than what was actually happening, and perhaps since you weren't really hearing the kinds of answers you wanted, you considered her responses vague and non-committal. You say you've fallen in love, but it sounds like you fell in love more with your romantic imaginings than anything else. It sounds to me like you put some blinders on, and your current turmoil now is due to your insistence on still investing in a fantasy.

Besides, what do the words "serious" and "casual" mean to you? Have you ever actually figured out what kinds of parameters really work for you in a relationship or are you just blindly hopping onto the Relationship Escalator that society (even poly society) decrees every relationship must follow, despite the fact that this chick was obviously not hopping on with you? Also, since you "immediately felt very insecure" after she said she wasn't sure when next you would get together, it would indicate to me a bit of low self-esteem mixed in with your disappointment over things not going according to your expectations.

I shook my head when you said you were annoyed that it took three weeks to see each other again. I am seeing a guy now, and it was five weeks between our first and second date, and then seven weeks between the second and third date - and we live just across town from each other. I really appreciate the fact that he doesn't complain or get pouty over not being able to see me very often. I like my alone time (being an introvert means I need some recovery time after expending my energy on being with someone) and our schedules don't always mesh. He has no unrealistic expectations so doesn't pressure me. He goes with the flow of the moment. I think you need to learn how to do that. Basically what's needed is to accept reality for what it is instead of indulging in wishful thinking.
 
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