par for the course?

[loveboth]

I'm new to poly and am struggling with the learning curve.

My husband agreed to let me have a relationship with a woman I've been friends/lovers with on and off for many years. She and I are back together after a three-year break, during which she divorced. My husband is not thrilled, but he is trying to be open minded for a number of reasons, including because I don't seem able to get her and/or the need to express my bisexuality (this is my first time with a woman, though I've wanted to all my adult life) out of my system. I've tried and we always seem to come back to the same place.

It seems like my husband agrees in theory but every time I arrange to see my girlfriend, and return from seeing her, we have a scene of some kind. (We're not screamers and yellers--it's just tense and sad and very icky.) Often it's over the way I did or didn't tell him about my plans--when I first wanted to talk about trying it, he was annoyed because he didn't know how he would feel and saw no reason to talk about it when I wasn't doing anything--he wanted me to see her and then he'd see how he feels. Since then, he has been upset because I told him too close to the time I had plans. He was upset because I didn't know for a while if it would be one night or two and it turned out to be two. (She lives three hours away, so it's hard to do anything that's not an overnight.) Last night I told him she would like to join me on a business trip and he was upset that I told him at all. I actually thought about not telling him, but reading here about how keeping secrets is not the poly way, I decided to be upfront. I would rather be upfront. But that didn't work out very well.

I'm so confused now--bringing up anything important or difficult is extra scary.

I am sympathetic to him and try to just listen and reassure as necessary. This is hard, he's afraid we are planning for me to leave him, which is not the case. And I think he's tossing red herrings out because he is unhappy with the situation in general--yet he ultimately acquiesces and we eventually work our way back to being close and happy again. And I think a lot in our marriage has improved since she and I reconnected--he even said the other day that he liked the "new" me. But then I feel like I ruin everything by making a plan to see my girlfriend.

I am confused about whether I am forcing him into this. I have never said that I would leave him if he refused, but he worries that I would resent him. I don't know if I would resent him, I do know I would be unhappy and it would be hard. I can't help that. I just can't. He feels like he has no choice in the matter. I know he can always leave me, but neither of us wants that, I don't think.

I have tried to talk to him about guidelines that might make it easier for him, but he just says "I don't know."

Compounding all this is the fact that I am his sole emotional support. He doesn't have close friends or anyone but me to talk to--he finds people annoying. So when I'm away, he spirals into a bad way.

I'd be grateful for any thoughts you might have about all this. I'm feeling like a terrible person right now.

The links y'all post are always great, but he's not crazy about my suggesting he read things. I did send him the Franklin Veaux link a while back, so has that and has looked at it, but I don't know if he will go back or not. He has gotten upset when I've sent him stuff to read because he says he would rather I just talk to him. Sigh.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi loveboth,

I assure you, you are not a terrible person. And your husband is not a terrible person either, it's just that you and he have run into a conflict of interests. Possibly you're not a compatible match. That's a hard thing to say and a hard thing to hear, but it's one of the possibilities you have to consider.

For now, I think the thing to do is to keep seeing your girlfriend, since your husband does say he is consenting. You take him at his word. Maybe for now at least he wants to work on his feelings and eventually be okay with it. That is his decision to make.

It might be helpful to talk with him about how much advance notice he needs. If you're going to be out of town anyway, I take it he doesn't need notice for that, other than knowing you'll be out of town. He doesn't need to know what you'll be doing while you're away, at least not if it's a work trip.

I know it probably feels like you're walking through a minefield, you don't know when to tell him and when not to tell him. There's so many books, articles, and other kinds of support, for monogamous marriage, but there's relatively little out there to guide you through polyamory. So, you and your husband are both figuring it out as you go along. And he doesn't want to read stuff about poly, probably because he already feels uncertain about saying yes to poly which is not a generally accepted thing to do.

I guess the thing to do is read as much as you can; if you're husband won't do it, at least you'll be doing it. It sounds like you've already done some reading of your own and that's a good thing. Between this forum, and books like More than Two and Opening Up, you'll be able to figure out what's best for you.

Hopefully I can think of more advice to give you and feedback, as time goes on. Keep us posted on how things are going, okay?

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[KC43]

I agree with Kevin. You aren't doing anything your husband hasn't agreed with. If your husband is struggling with what he's agreed to, he needs to figure it out and talk to you about it rationally.

My husband also has no friends and considers a lot of people annoying, so I'm his sole emotional support. Fortunately for me, he's rarely actually *alone* when I'm not here, because my kids are home, and even when he is alone it doesn't bother him. He just games or watches videos. But before he met me in 2008, he'd never been in a relationship longer than about 4 months, and he'd never attempted to live with a partner, so he's very adept at keeping himself occupied.

Is there some activity your husband could do while you're away that would help him feel a little less spirally? As I said, my husband games (online roleplay games, where he can be a warrior or something and bash monsters), which in addition to keeping him entertained gives him a way to interact with other people without actually having to be around them, since there's an in-game messaging system. He'll also sometimes find a random YouTube video that leads to other videos, or he'll choose a topic like RVs and watch as many videos as he can find about it. Or he'll download a book onto his computer and read; he's found a site where he can get some science fiction and fantasy books for free because authors post them to get attention and name recognition.

Those are just a few suggestions of things your husband might be able to do when you're not home; it's entirely possible that none would work for him. But given what you say about most people annoying him, and given my own frustration with the frequently-given advice of "go out with friends or join a club or take a class or something", I thought I'd offer some ideas from the perspective of a man who sounds a lot like your husband in some ways, though Hubby hasn't really had much issue with me being polyamorous so it's a different situation.

 

[Emm]

It seems like my husband agrees in theory but every time I arrange to see my girlfriend, and return from seeing her, we have a scene of some kind.
...
Often it's over the way I did or didn't tell him about my plans--

... he was annoyed because he didn't know how he would feel and saw no reason to talk about it when I wasn't doing anything--he wanted me to see her and then he'd see how he feels.

... he has been upset because I told him too close to the time I had plans.

... He was upset because I didn't know for a while if it would be one night or two and it turned out to be two.

... he was upset that I told him at all.

Instead of phrasing it as a request for guidelines, ask him how he wants to find out - how much advance notice he wants, how much advance notice is too much, how much detail he needs, how much detail is too much, etc, and write it down so that you both know what you're aiming for. If he says he doesn't know, make your best guess, write it down, and tell him that's what you're going with until you get feedback.

That doesn't mean you can't change it if it turns out he (or you) need(s) something else instead, but it does give you a solid starting point, and will hopefully reduce the emotional see-saw if he sees that you're making a genuine effort to provide him with what he's asked for. Just be careful that neither of you end up going down the "well according to para 4, subsection G, you should have..." route.

 

[loveboth]

Thank you for the thoughtful feedback and advice! I have a house full of guests this week and may not be able to respond fully right away, but I am reading and absorbing every word and am grateful. More TK