mountaingirl
Active member
Hello! I've posted on here before but it's been awhile.
Briefest background ever: I've been married to Joe for 5 years. He's a couple years older than me. When we started dating, we met and started hanging out with Pea, a guy 2 years younger than me. We're all still in our twenties. We've lived together since mid-2019, with a little time off, so i guess about 5 years total.
I'm having an issue right now with Pea. I've mentioned before that his sister and I don't get along. We'll call her Brandy. When he initially came out to his sister/the rest of his family (about 4 years ago), Pea had very little boundaries and so did I. I tried hard to get her to like me and see me as his partner, but Brandy seemed determined to make judgemental comments (usually when we were alone together) about polyamory-- asking me how Joe felt about getting cheated on, bringing up how polyamory wasn't for her when no one was talking about it, telling me she "didn't need to hear about my brother's sex life" when I mentioned her brother and I were dating.
Anyway, Brandy moved across the country to live 30 minutes away from us around this time. After she came over one time and wouldn't look at/talk to me, I asked Pea to please not have her over at our house while i was around for a couple months, and started therapy to figure out that and other things and my role in them.
3 years later, and I've seen Brandy several times, but he still doesn't have her over to our place unless I'm literally out of the state. I lived in California for part of 2024, and that was the first time he had her over to our apartment. I haven't asked for this. i know they are close, and am unbothered what she thinks of me regardless. She no longer has the power to upset me, so I've told him to invite her to all sorts of things. i don't know if he's ever actually extended the invite, but she hasn't been there. The last several times I've seen Brandy (spaced out over 2 years; always more happenstance than conscious, e.g., we happen to be going to the same concert, or Pea is meeting up with us somewhere near her place) have been brief, but cordial. Always also with Joe around. I think this is important and will get into it in a sec.
Some background on Pea's family: Pea is also close with his parents; they have a very nuclear mom-dad-sister-brother thing going on, plus a couple extendeds. All of Pea's family knows about me. I've met them, but as a friend (before we left home and started dating), and he told his mom about our relationship when she asked what was going on about 3 years ago. Pea's abuela is the only one i feel close with. We hung out with her a lot when everyone was still at home; Joe and i usually stop by her place when we're in town. Pea's sister has a (white) boyfriend that she recently moved in with, but it's almost considered a joke if he'll be invited to weddings, family vacations, etc. He won't, or at least hasn't. Pea's family insists that it's because they are "a lot," but it reads more like others just won't fit in to the circle and they're not looking to grow. Everyone except Pea's sister lives at least a 4 hour plane ride away. I am white and Pea and Joe are Puerto Rican.
Pea graduated from EMT school just this past week. I encouraged him to go to school. I made sure our new apartment was close to a community college. I gave Pea a timeline for when I would be done with school (I'm finishing my doctorate in about a year), all before he actually signed up for classes. I gave a timeline because i don't think any of the three of us wants to stay where we're at right now, and i would likely look for a job elsewhere. from September-December I was in California at an internship, and he was saving for school. Since he was in his cousin's wedding during this time, that meant he only had enough $$ and time off to visit me once.
Once i got back, he had school the past 4 months (Jan-May). He had to work 40 hr weeks and go to 12 hours of class, plus study for weekly exams, so we didn't get much time together. I knew it would be temporary, so I managed to stay patient.
When he got towards the end, Joe and i were asking when the last day of classes was, if he had anything planned, how we were going to celebrate, etc. At the time, it seemed like Pea was downplaying the graduation: "I'll just have to go back to school to be a paramedic or firefighter," "I'm not actually an EMT yet," "I'm not making any more money," even comparing it to my school and commending me for being in the education system for so long.
I really wanted to celebrate with him; i was eager to see him be recognized for something he worked very hard for. He did not tell me or Joe that there was a graduation planned, and we were just going to celebrate that and my birthday the following week. It's a certificate program, so since he said nothing, I assumed there was no ceremony.
There was a graduation; he invited his sister and said nothing to me or Joe about it. I called him the day of and he said he was "headed to class"--but was going to the ceremony. If all the shit before was just withholding the truth, this was a lie. Joe and I waited up until 12a to blow a confetti cannon when he came home on that last day. I assumed he had just gone out with his classmates after the last class. he sat in the parking lot outside our house for almost an hour. I dont even know if he was talking to anyone, or just delaying the inevitable of telling me the truth.
He came home drunk AF, could barely make it up the stairs. (He had not drank for the entire 4 months.) He then gives Joe and me hugs and proceeds to barf his guts out in the bathroom. I gave all the side info because i know him, and he was acting like he felt terrible about something, or was hiding something, conflicted, idk. I had a feelingggggg, so I took his phone off the counter. I didn't even have to open his messages to see all the congratulations from his entire family and that he had invited his sister to a graduation ceremony that had happened that day.
I started asking him questions while he was drunk because i figured I'd be more likely to get the truth. He told me he didnt invite me because i think his sister doesnt like me. Oh also, i found out i was muted on his phone. just my contact, no one else.
I've talked with him about this sooo much the past few days. gone over and over the situation. H'es apologized a lot. He's told me he felt weird not having joe or i there and felt bad immediately. i've asked why he thought i was still hung up about his sister, he cant think of a reason. i've asked if he thought everything was my fault that happened with her and he says no. I've asked why he only invites her over when I'm not around, etc., etc., etc., and nothing he's saying helps me wrap my head around this, because i don't trust him now. I'm willing to work through that, but not if he's just going to make the same mistakes.
When shit happened with his sister initially, it felt just like this. I told him what she was saying, and he didnt believe me until she said something in front of him. then he keeps her away from me even when i say I'm fine to interact with her, but never actually sits her down and has any conversation about this shit. so i feel like i did ALLLL this work to make myself better and wrap my head around the situation and MOVE ON, just for him to do zero work and drag me back into that shit. i dont blame his sister, not because i think shes blameless, just because Pea is the only person i expect anything from. he's my partner, and if he can't keep this shit from affecting our relationship, then that's on him.
i think Pea only inviting me to do things with him and his sister if Joe is also around, my contact being muted on Pea's phone so that my texts don't pop up when he and his sister are together, her not being invited to our place unless I'm not just out of town, but *not living there* has all been done by Pea to pander to her need to either not have to accept Pea is in a relationship and/or that it's with a polyamorous/white woman--basically someone who doesn't fit into their family.
I lowkey don't think it has anything to do with polyamory at this point, but that it's just an excuse for her to exclude me, which on its own wouldn't matter to me. That's what i did all this therapy and shit for! so that i don't have to care what others think of me and could stop people pleasing. So that i wouldn't care if i'm not invited to family events and vacations. I can't force people to like me or be cool with polyamory. What i can't accept is that Pea makes it so easy for her that he makes it hard for me. All those lies and pretending seep into our relationship and time we should be enjoying together.
I'm tired of doing this work for someone who wont look inside themselves and reallyyyy think about if polyamory is right for him, and whether he can actually be in a committed relationship if he's going to keep avoiding uncomfortable conversations with his family. i welcome any advice on this; my plan for now is to just let it ride out for a few months when we both have more time together, and give him a chance to make good on promises he's made in the wake of this to 1. spend more time with me and 2. invite me more to shit he does with his sister. i want him to share other parts of his life with me, and i want to smooth out whatever bullshit is still not squashed. And if that doesn't work, i'm not putting my energy into this anymore.
As usual, all 3 of us (Joe, Pea, me) hanging out feels the same as always, so there is hope that i can go back to a friendship with him eventually if shit doesn't work out.
Briefest background ever: I've been married to Joe for 5 years. He's a couple years older than me. When we started dating, we met and started hanging out with Pea, a guy 2 years younger than me. We're all still in our twenties. We've lived together since mid-2019, with a little time off, so i guess about 5 years total.
I'm having an issue right now with Pea. I've mentioned before that his sister and I don't get along. We'll call her Brandy. When he initially came out to his sister/the rest of his family (about 4 years ago), Pea had very little boundaries and so did I. I tried hard to get her to like me and see me as his partner, but Brandy seemed determined to make judgemental comments (usually when we were alone together) about polyamory-- asking me how Joe felt about getting cheated on, bringing up how polyamory wasn't for her when no one was talking about it, telling me she "didn't need to hear about my brother's sex life" when I mentioned her brother and I were dating.
Anyway, Brandy moved across the country to live 30 minutes away from us around this time. After she came over one time and wouldn't look at/talk to me, I asked Pea to please not have her over at our house while i was around for a couple months, and started therapy to figure out that and other things and my role in them.
3 years later, and I've seen Brandy several times, but he still doesn't have her over to our place unless I'm literally out of the state. I lived in California for part of 2024, and that was the first time he had her over to our apartment. I haven't asked for this. i know they are close, and am unbothered what she thinks of me regardless. She no longer has the power to upset me, so I've told him to invite her to all sorts of things. i don't know if he's ever actually extended the invite, but she hasn't been there. The last several times I've seen Brandy (spaced out over 2 years; always more happenstance than conscious, e.g., we happen to be going to the same concert, or Pea is meeting up with us somewhere near her place) have been brief, but cordial. Always also with Joe around. I think this is important and will get into it in a sec.
Some background on Pea's family: Pea is also close with his parents; they have a very nuclear mom-dad-sister-brother thing going on, plus a couple extendeds. All of Pea's family knows about me. I've met them, but as a friend (before we left home and started dating), and he told his mom about our relationship when she asked what was going on about 3 years ago. Pea's abuela is the only one i feel close with. We hung out with her a lot when everyone was still at home; Joe and i usually stop by her place when we're in town. Pea's sister has a (white) boyfriend that she recently moved in with, but it's almost considered a joke if he'll be invited to weddings, family vacations, etc. He won't, or at least hasn't. Pea's family insists that it's because they are "a lot," but it reads more like others just won't fit in to the circle and they're not looking to grow. Everyone except Pea's sister lives at least a 4 hour plane ride away. I am white and Pea and Joe are Puerto Rican.
Pea graduated from EMT school just this past week. I encouraged him to go to school. I made sure our new apartment was close to a community college. I gave Pea a timeline for when I would be done with school (I'm finishing my doctorate in about a year), all before he actually signed up for classes. I gave a timeline because i don't think any of the three of us wants to stay where we're at right now, and i would likely look for a job elsewhere. from September-December I was in California at an internship, and he was saving for school. Since he was in his cousin's wedding during this time, that meant he only had enough $$ and time off to visit me once.
Once i got back, he had school the past 4 months (Jan-May). He had to work 40 hr weeks and go to 12 hours of class, plus study for weekly exams, so we didn't get much time together. I knew it would be temporary, so I managed to stay patient.
When he got towards the end, Joe and i were asking when the last day of classes was, if he had anything planned, how we were going to celebrate, etc. At the time, it seemed like Pea was downplaying the graduation: "I'll just have to go back to school to be a paramedic or firefighter," "I'm not actually an EMT yet," "I'm not making any more money," even comparing it to my school and commending me for being in the education system for so long.
I really wanted to celebrate with him; i was eager to see him be recognized for something he worked very hard for. He did not tell me or Joe that there was a graduation planned, and we were just going to celebrate that and my birthday the following week. It's a certificate program, so since he said nothing, I assumed there was no ceremony.
There was a graduation; he invited his sister and said nothing to me or Joe about it. I called him the day of and he said he was "headed to class"--but was going to the ceremony. If all the shit before was just withholding the truth, this was a lie. Joe and I waited up until 12a to blow a confetti cannon when he came home on that last day. I assumed he had just gone out with his classmates after the last class. he sat in the parking lot outside our house for almost an hour. I dont even know if he was talking to anyone, or just delaying the inevitable of telling me the truth.
He came home drunk AF, could barely make it up the stairs. (He had not drank for the entire 4 months.) He then gives Joe and me hugs and proceeds to barf his guts out in the bathroom. I gave all the side info because i know him, and he was acting like he felt terrible about something, or was hiding something, conflicted, idk. I had a feelingggggg, so I took his phone off the counter. I didn't even have to open his messages to see all the congratulations from his entire family and that he had invited his sister to a graduation ceremony that had happened that day.
I started asking him questions while he was drunk because i figured I'd be more likely to get the truth. He told me he didnt invite me because i think his sister doesnt like me. Oh also, i found out i was muted on his phone. just my contact, no one else.
I've talked with him about this sooo much the past few days. gone over and over the situation. H'es apologized a lot. He's told me he felt weird not having joe or i there and felt bad immediately. i've asked why he thought i was still hung up about his sister, he cant think of a reason. i've asked if he thought everything was my fault that happened with her and he says no. I've asked why he only invites her over when I'm not around, etc., etc., etc., and nothing he's saying helps me wrap my head around this, because i don't trust him now. I'm willing to work through that, but not if he's just going to make the same mistakes.
When shit happened with his sister initially, it felt just like this. I told him what she was saying, and he didnt believe me until she said something in front of him. then he keeps her away from me even when i say I'm fine to interact with her, but never actually sits her down and has any conversation about this shit. so i feel like i did ALLLL this work to make myself better and wrap my head around the situation and MOVE ON, just for him to do zero work and drag me back into that shit. i dont blame his sister, not because i think shes blameless, just because Pea is the only person i expect anything from. he's my partner, and if he can't keep this shit from affecting our relationship, then that's on him.
i think Pea only inviting me to do things with him and his sister if Joe is also around, my contact being muted on Pea's phone so that my texts don't pop up when he and his sister are together, her not being invited to our place unless I'm not just out of town, but *not living there* has all been done by Pea to pander to her need to either not have to accept Pea is in a relationship and/or that it's with a polyamorous/white woman--basically someone who doesn't fit into their family.
I lowkey don't think it has anything to do with polyamory at this point, but that it's just an excuse for her to exclude me, which on its own wouldn't matter to me. That's what i did all this therapy and shit for! so that i don't have to care what others think of me and could stop people pleasing. So that i wouldn't care if i'm not invited to family events and vacations. I can't force people to like me or be cool with polyamory. What i can't accept is that Pea makes it so easy for her that he makes it hard for me. All those lies and pretending seep into our relationship and time we should be enjoying together.
I'm tired of doing this work for someone who wont look inside themselves and reallyyyy think about if polyamory is right for him, and whether he can actually be in a committed relationship if he's going to keep avoiding uncomfortable conversations with his family. i welcome any advice on this; my plan for now is to just let it ride out for a few months when we both have more time together, and give him a chance to make good on promises he's made in the wake of this to 1. spend more time with me and 2. invite me more to shit he does with his sister. i want him to share other parts of his life with me, and i want to smooth out whatever bullshit is still not squashed. And if that doesn't work, i'm not putting my energy into this anymore.
As usual, all 3 of us (Joe, Pea, me) hanging out feels the same as always, so there is hope that i can go back to a friendship with him eventually if shit doesn't work out.
