Partner who can't make up their mind!

franchescasc

franchescasc

New member
Blah. Life is never boring these days, that's for sure.

So my newest quest for advice, talking down from the cliff, or what have you, is about a partner who is constantly either hot or cold.

MD goes back and forth with her feelings. She says that she loves me, has feelings for FJ, and thinks what we have is beautiful, and she wants to figure out how to make it work.

But in the next breath she says that she's not sure if she wants this kind of relationship. She hates it being a secret, but she's also not willing to tell anyone. She has also said that she wants what FJ and I have, someone to come home to. She knows she won't get that from either of us. She says she just wants that ideal, not specifically from FJ or me.

She is confused. She just doesn't know what she wants. But then when I try and back away and transition to friendship, she says she doesn't know if she can't have me in all the ways, and that she wants to figure it out.

We just came off a two-week break. Both FJ and I are hesitant to be romantic with her again, although we both really want her and have been patiently waiting for her to figure out if she wants to pursue something. I have felt like my heart is breaking a few times in the last six months, and I'm nervous to go through that again, not to mention have FJ get in deeper with her to experience his own round of it all.

This is a first for all of us. Specifically for her, it is her first time having feelings for a woman (whereas I've always known I could have feelings for a woman, and have had more time to come to terms with and accept my bisexuality). She admits that she leans sexually more towards FJ at times.

Which, I mean, so do I! Sometimes I want just him, sometimes I want just her. I've totally come to terms with them having a separate relationship from me. But she doesn't know how she feels about that.

She also has a hard time sharing her feelings, wants, needs, etc. She just hasn't had anyone ever really care as much as we do about what she wants and feels. I see her putting forth some effort to try... But then she can shut down very quickly, and pressuring her does no good. Sigh.

So here's the current question. Taking all of this into consideration (if you can understand my babbling), she is flirting again, and talking about being with us. She and FJ are def flirting more right now. I'm still too wounded and hesitant. I feel a little bit like when she's lonely and horny, FJ and I are the safe bet. But that when it gets complicated, she runs for the hills.

Before our two-week break, we were talking about MD & FJ having alone time. I was encouraging it more than anyone. Now I'm hesitant for any of us to move forward with romantic/sexual relationships, separately or together, unless we can have a conversation to lay it all out. It's not like I need her to say she'll be with both or either of us forever. But I want her to at least put her intentions on the table, and commit to working through the tough issues, without running away and not talking for days.

Am I being unreasonable? Would you more experienced polys run from this relationship? I hear her telling me she's more sexually attracted to FJ (although we were the original sexual partners for nearly 5 months before FJ even became involved). Reading other triad stories makes this a red flag for me, although I do believe she is genuinely physically attracted to me. Our chemistry is amazing. I also hear her telling us she wants a primary relationship...but if she's with either/both of us she's not interested in pursuing that. So wtf? Roll with it, or try and force the convo? Am I naive to think she's just figuring it out, or is she telling me loud and clear and we need to shut it down? Argh.
 
I would ask for clarity before moving forward with any lover who was acting like that, poly or no. It's reasonable for her to be confused, but not for her to jerk you around. She needs to work on what she wants before re-engaging, and I think it would be wise for both of you to keep some distance until she can do that. Obviously that's what the break was for, and it hasn't worked, so maybe it's just not something she's capable of right now.

It's up to you to decide in that case if it's worth the risk. But yeah, it's not at all unreasonable for you to want a clearer picture of her intentions.

"I see her telling me she's more sexually attracted to FJ (although we were the original sexual partners for nearly 5 months before FJ even became involved). Reading other triad stories makes this a red flag for me, although I do believe she is genuinely physically attracted to me. Our chemistry is amazing."

Imho, without meaning this as an attack at all, the real red flag here is you seeing her having uneven desires as a red flag. No one is going to be into two people exactly evenly. Ever. It's not a "red flag" or a "bad sign" for her to be a normal human being, or to feel more lust for another partner than she does for you. There's likely some NRE at play here as well, their relationship being the newer one. Or, more likely, she's just more straight than bi, based on what you said about her never having dealt with having feelings for a woman before.

Maybe her relationship with you will be significantly different from her relationship with FJ. Maybe this will even end up being more of a vee, with chemistry between the two wings, than a triad. Could you deal with that scenario, with your husband being the hinge in a vee, or would you ask him to break up with her if she didn't have feelings for you that felt strong enough to you?

If she knows that each of her relationships is contingent on the other working out as well, I can see that potentially adding to her confusion about how she feels. That's not a pleasant place to be in emotionally. It feels like a trap, even if you actually don't want to leave either relationship. Just a thought.
 
"Maybe her relationship with you will be significantly different from her relationship with FJ. Maybe this will even end up being more of a vee, with chemistry between the two wings than a triad. Could you deal with that scenario, with your husband being the hinge in a vee, or would you ask him to break up with her if she didn't have feelings for you that felt strong enough to you?

If she knows that each of her relationships is contingent on the other working out as well, I can see that potentially adding to her confusion about how she feels. That's not a pleasant place to be in emotionally. It feels like a trap, even if you actually don't *want* to leave either relationship."

Annabel, I absolutely understand that this is possible. I mean, I won't lie and say it wouldn't suck. This didn't start out as a triad. It started as her and me only. But I have been very clear to her and FJ that I don't consider this a "package deal". I have had only freedom from FJ to explore this relationship, and I won't put restrictions on his freedom. I have told MD and FJ this numerous times, even just as recently as two days ago, and MD expressed discomfort with the idea of having a relationship with just FJ, and not as a triad. FJ also expresses discomfort at the thought of me not being involved romantically with MD. But I've been on these forums and doing some really heavy-hitting inner work.

I guess the red flag I mean is a "cowgirl"-type scenario. It honestly wouldn't have been a thought in my mind, except for some stories I've read.
 
Ahh, ok, cool. Their reluctance to be involved without you makes me feel like maybe one or both of them still isn't really comfortable with poly, deep down, which seems to be at the heart of a lot of MD's issues. Hopefully they can do some of the same work you've done.

As for the cowgirl thing, I really can't picture it in your situation, although anything is possible, of course.
 
Honestly? You've posted on this situation a few times and every time I see the same thing-- MD is not as into you as she is into FJ. This is kind of why people are always warning against unicorn hunting or triads being the be all-end all. She's not as into you as she is him. Every time you post you are upset by this.

You talk to her and him about this. She's bound to feel pressure to try and be into you as much as him because you make it such a priority!!

I don't think she's hot and cold; I think she's confused, because rather than letting things just develop naturally, there's this pressure for her to conform, perform, and fit the way you want her to. If I were her, I'd be getting super frustrated and feel like I'm constantly on guard.

"Am I showing her enough attention? Did I not flirt with her enough today? Is she going to feel like I'm not working hard enough to be equal? Oh no! I wasn't feeling it today, and she's going to feel left out, and then I'll get 'the talk' again!"
 
Not unicorn hunting

Lets be clear about a few things. This was in no way unicorn hunting or searching for a triad. All of this has developed naturally. My husband and I did not ever talk about "sharing" a gf or "bringing someone in to our relationship."

I vent here not in the same way I vent to my partners. My insecurities about her being more into FJ than me are just that, insecurities that I am working really hard to get over. She has said she doesn't know what she wants from FJ or me, that she has stronger feelings for me, but feels guilty about sometimes wanting to be alone with him. I have only encouraged the separate time, especially after I got to the root of my insecurity and realized it was my shit to sort through.

MD and I were involved only for 5 months before anything happened between FJ and MD. We have a very intimate friendship in addition to a romantic relationship. She had expressed confusion and gone from hot and cold before FJ was even in the picture. I am under no delusion that her feelings could ever be equal for the both of us. And I have said that to MD. If she feels that pressure, it is entirely from her. At this point, I am actually more inclined to let the two of them figure out their connection, and to stay on the friendship level with her myself, because I'm leery of being jerked around again.
 
I've never seen your story that way, Fran. MD just seems unsure if she can handle being in polyamorous relationships that also have to be kept secret. She knows this isn't what she wants, ideally, but has strong feelings for both of you. Understandable that she is torn. Not sure there is any solution to that, but if I could suggest anything it would be maybe just quit trying to figure it out, and just enjoy the relationships for what they are right now. If what it is now (kind of unsure and uncommitted) is making you miserable, you should shut your side of it down for that reason. I don't think you're going to get any for sure answer if you force a conversation at this point, because it doesn't sound like she has one to give.
 
kkxvlv, this, exactly. I can't force the conversation. So I guess I just need to figure out if I'm willing to re-engage without the convo or not. FJ has decided to re-engage and feel it out with MD. He has every right to do that. Doesn't mean I have to.
 
My sense is that trying to categorize the relationship and get her to "make up her mind" will only spell disaster. Why do you need it all tied up in a neat bow?

Give her space, give yourselves space. Stop discussing the relationship. It seems that picking it apart is just going to make involvement with you a tedious exercise for her, eventually. Take a step back and let go of needing answers for now. Just be with what is. Let there be an ebb and flow! That's life.

Some more inner work to do might be to take a look at how much you want to figure it out. Could that be so that you feel some sense of control, of being able to handle things if you know what they are? How about embracing the unknown? Be okay with spontaneity and things feeling a little uneven, or far from what your hopes and expectations were. See if you can sit in your discomfort and still be okay, without trying to steer things, or her, in a certain direction.

I also think that FJ should let go of the idea that he shouldn't spend time with her without you. That also adds unneeded pressure on all of you.
 
I have one question: why are they together if one has expressed discomfort as being alone in a dyad (MD/FJ) within the triad and the other has expressed discomfort or concern if the three of you are not involved as a triad? Granted, it takes internal work to sometimes be okay with things, and you are continuing to work on yourself. You have told them that you are are okay. I guess they need proof that you are.

My advice: stop over-analysing everything in your respective relationships and just enjoy. There is enough pressure with staying in the closet, a newly formed triad, scheduling, children (if you have them), work, etc. The relationships are not old enough to be weathering this many storms or questionable times.

There is such a thing as talking too much. Let go. Go on dates, go dancing, go to the beach, take a cooking class together, flirt, spend a romantic evening alone with each... Do anything other than worry about the relationships. Let them be. Give each other space, enjoy one another, and just chill.
 
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Ry, they are talking about alone time, which I am encouraging. Their hesitation is with trying to respect me and what I want, even though I've told them I want them to have alone time. I think once they finally do have a date, and I don't freak out, they'll feel better. Idk. I'm rolling with it right now and not forcing a convo. Hard for me, but it seems like the only way.
 
Just speaking from my own experience as a unicorn, it is actually totally valid to want someone to come home to, a partner, a partnership that is supported in public and semi-public spaces, something that community acknowledges as a family. It sounds like she's feeling a longing for that.

She may very well want to hold onto that as a long-term goal. And at the same time, she may be really into you and FJ. Maybe what she wants is something temporary, which can be a good and valuable thing. Is that something you're open to?
 
Becca, it is a very valid feeling. I am absolutely okay with it being temporary and valuable in its own right. I'd love to take the advice of the others and go with the flow, but ultimately it's MD who gets hot and cold. She pulls away and stops the flow. Sigh.
 
franchescasc said:
It is a very valid feeling. I am absolutely ok with it being temporary and valuable in its own right. I'd love to take the advice of the others and go with the flow, but ultimately it's MD who gets hot and cold. She pulls away and stops the flow. Sigh.
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Relationships ebb and flow. You are getting frustrated that there's ebb and no flow. You keep putting it all on her and her actions. Seriously, find me a place where you don't put it on her actions. The only thing you can change is how you behave and how you react. If all you do is say, "Hey, I don't like how this is going," then not get what you want, then blame others for it not going the way you want, then let's look at the common denominator here. YOU. What can you change about how YOU handle things, how YOU deal with them?

I recommend the book "Why Talking is not Enough." It's about how you handle things, about how you change how you think and feel and act in order to make a relationship flourish. How people relax, and act in kind based on how the other person is behaving and treating them. If after trying those things, the relationship doesn't get better, the other person still isn't seeming to give you more hope in the relationship, then you may come to the conclusion that the relationship is not for you.

However, it's about how YOU behave. How what you put out there, how you react and act towards others influences how they react and act towards you. It's taking some action, instead of just complaining that others aren't doing what you want or like and how frustrating it is.

No one is going to do things the way you want in a relationship all the time. Ebb and flow, not just flow. You are happy with flow. You don't like the ebb. Sorry, that's like saying that because YOU don't want things to slow down, she doesn't have the right to slow them down.
 
Well, I am specifically asking whether I'm being unreasonable or not in how I am reacting to her actions. So I am being detailed about her actions to try and give the whole picture. You obviously think that I am being unreasonable, and that's fair. I appreciate your point of view. I absolutely take responsibility for my part in the communication problems. I definitely tend to over-communicate, and MD tends to shut off communication when it's hard. In fact, my need for communication makes her want to shut down, which I fully recognize as something I need to handle differently. We are still figuring out how to relate to each other.

And as Ry said, add in job stress, 6 kids, trouble with her mother, scheduling... (really, this list could go on and on), there are other reasons she pulls away, and by that I mean stops talking completely. And then she'll gradually start talking again and start back up.

She can slow things down. I have no problem with that. It's just that it's not just slowing it. Its been a pattern of stopping and then going right back to how it was before. That's what makes me feel like I am being jerked back and forth.

I am working on several things:

Making sure I give her the space she needs to be comfortable talking or not.
Actively listening when she does tell me what she needs, and respecting that need.
Not reading into the things she does or doesn't say.
Enjoying the moments as they come.

Thank you for the book recommendation. Sounds like something I could really benefit from reading.
 
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