I hope you feel better for the vent.
I hope you consider counseling to help with the past sex abuse.
In the letter she states how she hasn’t told me how they have kissed and that she says I am unstable. The she has to keep things from me so she doesn’t hurt me. Pages letter she expresses how she feels with him and that she doesn’t feel she needs permission from me anymore. That if he is ok with it their partners don’t need to know what they do together.
Sounds like you stumbled on her thinking about having a cheating affair.
Everything that has arisen this past year and a half. I don’t know where I am. I feel lost. I want to trust her, I still love her, but after these revelations. The text messages. I don’t know how I could trust that nothing is happening, that she isn’t keeping things from me to just protect me.
Could tell her you found the notebook. And knew she was hiding things. So your confidence and trust in her got dinged. So her promising to "keep it just friends" is hard to believe right now.
Lay all the cards on the table plain -- do what you would want her to do back.
She explains to me she doesn’t want to have another relationship with someone else. She wants to focus on us that I am her main priority. Knowing what she knows about my past. She completely understands me and how I feel. However she does bring about being able to spend time with him alone, or spending the night with him to keep him company while his own wife spends a few days with her prospective polyamory partner.
And you can say "No, thank you. I can't tell you who to be friends with, but spending the night with your Crush Dude? That's getting murky waters to me. It's like you are trying to poly date him from the back door rather than come right out and tell me you want to do poly now."
I have tried to be open to the other man, to be friends but it’s very hard. It’s slow for me, I feel very uncomfortable around him.
Why do you have to be friends with him? You could be basic polite if you run into him but you don't have to be buddies with some dude your wife has a crush on.
I told her I know it seems childish and petty and I know I am at least half to blame for the night and not communicating my feelings then and there, just hard to do that with another person there for me.
You feel what you feel in the moment. Don't be your own self bully and call yourself names or put you down for having emotions.
That said? Don't go driving Dude around if hanging out with him just leads to weird feelings. Skip the weird you can skip.
After everything we spent the day together. In less than two weeks we both are supposed to go on a trip to Chicago to visit her family and have a vacation with each other. She has asked if she can spend the last Monday she has off before we leave with him. She told me to think about.
You could tell her "No, I'm not comfortable with that. But I am not your gatekeeper and I don't tell you who to be friends with. If you want to hang out with your Crush dude, just keep it in the friend bucket."
She constantly says she wants to move along at a pace that I am comfortable with. She says she doesn’t want another relationship right now, that they are just really good friends, however that if I were to ever be completely ok with polyamory that she would want to do that with him.
And you could be honest. And say "No, I don't want to do polyamory. I am comfortable with closed, monogamous relationship. So you have to manage your crush on this dude and keep it in the friend bucket. Otherwise you getting romantically involved with him? I'd consider that cheating on agreements. I prefer you renegotiate agreements or give me a heads up you won't be keeping them anymore first. Rather than cheating on agreements."
I think you could have been honest about finding the notebook at the time. You could either be honest about that now, or let that part be water under the bridge.
But from THIS point forward? I think you could be honest about where you stand today. Stop pussyfooting around her.
Are you happy participating in this kinda sorta experiment open/poly thing with wife kinda sorta dating this dude but not really? It sounds weird and vague to me.
Some people don't like "fuzzy stuff" like that. I know I don't. I'm fine with poly, but I want clear expectations and agreements. Not going off into murky, vague weird.
Because if you are not happy participating here like this? Your consent to participate and what you will and will not involve yourself in? That belongs to YOU. You could tell your wife to stop trying to make you be her "gatekeeper" or "hallway monitor" or something with this crush dude relationship of hers.
It's her problem to deal with.
I think you could tell your wife that as far as you are concerned this is a closed, monogamous relationship. That was enough experimenting with fuzzy stuff for you to realize that you don't want anything polyamorous.
So if she wants that in her life now? Best let you know where she's at directly.
And then let the chips fall where they may.
I don't think you are foolish.
I think you are struggling because you are afraid that wife wants poly and you don't. And/or that she might start planning another cheating affair and this time actually go through with that.
Is that true?
Galagirl
