Poly newbie finding it difficult

A

arrow

New member
I don’t know where to turn to....
I am so sad, angry and hurt.

I started out dating my partner 6 months ago monogam.
We spoke about open relationships and I did mention I stand open to it but not now. 1,5 months later he told me he had to end it with me because he still has feelings for his former girlfriend and it wouldnt be fair on me. For me that was not a problem cause if I am honest don't we all still feel for people even when we no longer are together. He then quoted he can only be with me if in an open relationship. I agreed if we take it step by step. Following day I found out he already kissed someone. Which was a total violation of our agreement. He continued dating this girl after I agreed for about 2,5 months, then she split because she wanted to be number one in a monogamish setting.

Thereafter tears on my bed because of the split.

1 month later he told me a friend would ask him to go on holiday to Sri Lanka as she needed a travel partner. I agreed if I meet her etc. The meeting never happened. We both were hidden from each other. We live in NL - she in Canada, came over to visit and stayed at his house whilst we went to his parents for xmas. After a lot of arguments I found out he wouldn't mind having sex with her. He went on holiday claiming they only argue and that they probably won't be friends after the vacation. 2 days later he told me that he thinks that there is a good chance that they will have sex with each other. Which should be fine, but why this secrecy it's really terrible - it creates uncertainty and therefor sparks of being abandonment, which he is, he is only texting me bits and not answering any of my questions regarding how he feels about the other person.

I feel I have had zero time to adjust, feel respected, taking care of or giving me any time, comfort and confidence to rewire to be playful.

Yes I am dating on other and I enjoy it - but this bond is very fresh...

Overall I will never be approving tricking people by not telling them the full story. To go on holiday with just a "friend" hiding real intentions. I will never be ok with my partner not telling them their relationship status and trick them into a situation that they are clearly not comfy with f.e. LDR, polyamory, nor ignoring that they do not want to get hurt and him still going for it. Just because of the experience. I am not jealous - I am disspointed in the inhumanity & falseness towards the girl and myself. Quoting him: we only argue and will not be friends after this holiday. I also do not feel comfortable with me sticking to full disclosure whereas him not sticking to this agreement not responding after asking twice only 2 days later. This form of communication is not working for me. The lack of consideration feels disrespectful to me, a loving partner. With this behaviour I feel robbed of the high of being in love - it feels more like at the end of a relationship. I feel sorry for the girl actually. Also the lack of attention for me is dissatisfying - so selling me that it has zero affect on me on our relationship is unrealistic. After a period of 6 months I feel I got to know Xavier pretty well and I see that full disclosure is not working for him and not for me. I do not want further contact now until he returns nor hear about the drama about vulnerable women who think they can be the better girlfriend or can convince him to be monogamous. It sickening me to my stomach...

Being hidden is about the worst of it all. He can’t talk when she was at his house no introduction to not jeopardize his chances ... I feel so disrespected
 
Hello arrow,

It sounds like your partner is not being honest with you. He is not keeping his word. I'm very sorry about that. I don't blame you for feeling sad, angry, and hurt. I would too if I was in your position. It may be for the best that you found out these things about him now, rather than, say, in six years. Six months isn't so bad, you haven't spent so much of your life on him. Yes, I recommend that you break up with him. Even if he promises to do better, how do you know that's true when he has lied in the past? A good relationship has to have honesty as a foundation.

You deserve much better. I hope better things will come to you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hey arrow, PoorSystem here. Fellow newb to the poly scene. Sounds like the guy either isn't really poly and is using it as a poor excuse to have sex with multiple girls, or he lacks a certain amount of emotional intelligence. Now, while I agree with kdt's assessment that you should likely break it off, I also think you should first have a talk with him about this beforehand about his actions and how they make you feel. Making a forum post is a good start to this, since it allows you to put your thoughts on the situation and how you fell about down on paper, almost like a script.

It will definitely hurt to do so but his brand of poly (if he truly is poly) doesn't mesh with yours, and you should tell him that. What you seem to crave is emotional and literally honesty in your relationships and he is not providing that to you. Whether this is intentional or not doesn't matter.

Also, I find the idea of your partner's relationship with their partners not affecting your relationship to either be naive or a lie, since people change when they are in a relationship with someone, let alone the stress or bliss that they have with their partners can drift from them to you and visa versa. I've seen plenty of relationships with my (mono) friends that grew or diminished based on their friendships, even seen the effect that I myself had caused in their relationship (many bad puns were made due to my corrupting influence).

Most importantly and anger inducing of all is that he forces you to have to hide your relationship with him to help him get laid. It really sounds like your relationship with him is all about him and not at all about you. You are not something to be ashamed about, and I feel that you should find someone who treats you and their relationship with you as something to be proud about, poly and all.

Whatever you decide, let it be your choice. We are here to send our support and our advice, but it ultimately comes down to what you want.

From one newb to another I hope this helps,

~PoorSystem
 
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