Poly Purgatory - Day 1 of 4 – Heaven or Hell Just get me there!

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purplepeach72

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Poly Purgatory - Day 1 of 4 – Heaven or Hell Just get me there!

It was a good day of gardening today. I deliberately took the entire day off from any and everything so I could sleep as long as I wanted and plant pretty spring bulbs all day. Now comes the nasty part of cleaning the house until I leave early Sunday. I didn’t get much sleep last night but I got more than I expected. I had a really good conversation with the Viking about being sure that our shared vision of what the future was and looked like was still the same. The GF got in this morning. The Viking left her napping as he went into work. He called me on the way to make sure I was ok. I felt much better after talking to him and he’s made an effort to email and text me as well. It’s very sweet of him but right now I’m ok. That phase where you’re feeling crazy thoughts racing through your head at a million miles an hour, heart pounding, nauseous, dizzy, guts knotting and twisting, is not happening as often or as intensely.

As I process, it is getting easier. Once I just accepted or remembered several really basic things I should never forget. I have no control over when, if and how anyone in my life leaves my life. I only have some influence on how the time we have is spent. That love is the motivation in this for all. That this whole situation has thrown me into a complete Complex PTSD relapse but some of the worst symptoms have gone away as well as some anxiety. I started dusting off the emotional toolbox and figuring out what I still knew and didn’t know.

Last night and today I figured out that a large part of my fear is wrapped up in whether or not the Viking’s wants/needs/desires for the future have changed. On top of not knowing what the GF wants at all. I have no problem adding people to our plan but I can’t take half of the Viking out of our future and be ok with that. Anyone we add from my standpoint has to be willing to deal with us primarily as a couple with alone time being pretty minimal (weekends, a yearly vacation for them alone. Her spending the summer with us has been mentioned as well.) My desire for the future remains intimately entwined with the Viking. I was afraid he had decided he wanted something very different than us intimately entwined for the rest of our lives. He says that isn’t the case. I have to accept what he says as what he means but it is awful hard given the last 6 weeks.

Figuring out all these little pieces of what my jealousy and insecurities are trying to tell me is great but it doesn’t do anything to actually improve how I feel. Only hearing my Viking’s voice, feeling his arms and the time it will take to get me there will improve how I feel.

Our IVF adventure continues with me having gotten the first round of bloodwork done yesterday. We are all anxiously awaiting my period to try to figure out when/what dates I’m going to have to start meds and actually be in the clinic. We pretty much decided that the Viking is just going to have to go, leave a sample whenever he can and then I’m there for the 2 weeks duration with or without him. All the stress in Feb caused me to have a double period which totally screwed the calendar tracking.

The pieces for us staying here for the next year appear to be falling into place. There still a slight chance it might not work out but it seems pretty much a given. Don’t uncross your appendages just yet please..lol...

As the light fades, the moon rises before the sun can set. The darkness brings a whole new challenge, no nightly fix of Viking as he is otherwise engaged. I know I’ll hear from him tomorrow since he has to work but another 2 nights after this with little or no contact Saturday.

The title obviously references several things; the hell I’m currently in and working through but also the fact that opening and adding this relationship could bring all of us heaven or hell. There just is no way of knowing. The last bit just because I’m impatient.

Housecleaning I hear is very cathartic. I’m off to test that theory. I have a migraine from hell but at least the gardening made me tired enough that I should sleep tonight after a hot shower. We have a full day of cleaning, laundry and packing tomorrow. The girl child is out of school and has to get her camp bag packed plus an overnight bag. I’ve just about got her Easter basket finished. Alright time to get back to chores for a bit.

Migraine kicked in around 6pm and 6 hours later is still kicking my ass, so I think I’m going to call it a day, take an Ambien and hope for a few good hours of sleep tonight maybe a good dream or two for a change. I left my TENS unit in my med/make-up bag in the Viking cave so I have no way to get rid of these knots.

Does anybody have any tips on making the next few days easier? What got you guys through your “Dark Times” or Poly Purgatory days?

You Poly Pals enjoy your Easter weekend. Ours is going to be the most non-Easter like Easter we’ve ever had. Lots of traveling but then we’re done traveling for a few weeks. Take care and love each other well.
Kisses,
L

Soundtrack for the next few days includes the following;
Thinking Out Loud, I'm Not the Only One, Take Me to Church, Ghost &
"The Heart Wants What It Wants"



You got me sippin' on something
I can't compare to nothing
I've ever known, I'm hoping
That after this fever I'll survive
I know I'm acting a bit crazy
Strung out, a little bit hazy
Hand over heart, I'm praying
That I'm gonna make it out alive

The bed's getting cold and you're not here
The future that we hold is so unclear
But I'm not alive until you call
And I'll bet the odds against it all
Save your advice 'cause I won't hear
You might be right but I don't care
There's a million reasons why I should give you up
But the heart wants what it wants
The heart wants what it wants

You got me scattered in pieces
Shining like stars and screaming
Lighting me up like Venus
But then you disappear and make me wait
And every second's like torture
Heroin drip, no more so
Finding a way to let go
Baby, baby, no, I can't escape

The bed's getting cold and you're not here
The future that we hold is so unclear
But I'm not alive until you call
And I'll bet the odds against it all
Save your advice 'cause I won't hear
You might be right but I don't care
There's a million reasons why I should give you up
But the heart wants what it wants
The heart wants what it wants
The heart wants what it wants
The heart wants what it wants

This is a modern fairytale
No happy endings
No wind in our sails
But I can't imagine a life without
Breathless moments
Breaking me down, down, down, down

The bed's getting cold and you're not here
The future that we hold is so unclear
But I'm not alive until you call
And I'll bet the odds against it all
Save your advice 'cause I won't hear
You might be right but I don't care
There's a million reasons why I should give you up
But the heart wants what it wants
The heart wants what it wants
The heart wants what it wants
The heart wants what it wants

The heart wants what it wants, baby
It wants what it wants, baby
It wants what it wants
It wants what it wants
 
Several years back I had some mighty dark days, too scared to do anything and too lonesome to spend a minute alone. But I had to spend minutes, hours, and days alone, and I'd love to be able to tell you I figured out how to get some relief but I never did. I don't remember how long that trend continued. Several months at least.

I suppose ultimately what saved me is finding a better combination of meds. That and maybe the funk slowly started wearing off after those long months. There was no reason for me to feel that way, but there the feeling was, larger than life.

So it's a V right now; you, Viking, and GF?
 
Hey KD,
Yes it is a V right now with me, Viking and GF. We will plan to all spend time together at the June visit.

Thanks for sharing you dark time with me. I've always struggled with depression but this is very different for me. Like most things involving personal growth I suspect we just each have to muddle our way through to a better self.
Hugs,
LeeAnn
 
I am confused at how your story matches up with your signature line?
 
Confused?

Bluebird said:
I am confused at how your story matches up with your signature line?
Click to expand...

I'm in a V with my husband, Viking as the hinge between myself and his GF, M. How does that not match my signature line or the above post?

Thanks,
LA
 
Ahem ... :)

So the siggy line says it's a V with you, N, and M. Based on that my conclusion is:

  • LeeAnn = purplepeach72,
  • N = Viking,
  • M = GF.
So then the main point of confusion is how Viking's initial came to be N. But I'm assuming Viking is a nickname and N is the first letter of his actual given name.

Correct me if I'm mistaken.

So you won't be seeing Viking again until June? and GF is staying with you in the meantime?

Just looking to flesh out the nature of this purgatory.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Ahhh Yes I am sorry for the confusion.

kdt26417 said:
Ahem ... :)

So the siggy line says it's a V with you, N, and M. Based on that my conclusion is:

  • LeeAnn = purplepeach72,
  • N = Viking,
  • M = GF.
So then the main point of confusion is how Viking's initial came to be N. But I'm assuming Viking is a nickname and N is the first letter of his actual given name.

Correct me if I'm mistaken.

So you won't be seeing Viking again until June? and GF is staying with you in the meantime?

Just looking to flesh out the nature of this purgatory.
Regards,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...


Dear Kevin,
Your deduction about the V is correct. N=Viking, my husband the hinge. Viking is a nickname that I write about him as on another blog. N is the first initial of his name. LeeAnn (L, LA) = purplepeach72 and M=GF. M is the first initial of her name.

I will be seeing the Viking this Sunday morning when I fly into the city he's working in. I'll stay up there with him for the week then the 2 of us will drive back together late next week. We are supposed to be home for the next 6 weeks but they has yet to happen in the last 2 years we've been here so we'll see.

The GF flies out the same morning I fly in, Easter morning just a bit earlier. The GF is with him now she flew in yesterday morning. She and I have not met and probably won't until the planned visit to see her in June.

Thank you for helping me clear up the confusion. I'll have to think of a way to solve that in a new signature line.
Hugs,
LeeAnn
 
In your thread title you speak of a four-day purgatory. What are you hoping/expecting will be resolved at the end of the four days? Is it a matter of you being "here" (alone) while GF is with Viking? Are you concerned about how the GF-Viking dyad will affect the plans you and Viking have together?

I know I know, more questions ...
 
Ah, ok. You calling your hubby "Viking" in your posts, but referring him as "N" in your siggy had me confused. I wasn't sure if they were one and the same, or some new relationship that you hadn't updated yet or not.
 
Questions are good.

kdt26417 said:
In your thread title you speak of a four-day purgatory. What are you hoping/expecting will be resolved at the end of the four days? Is it a matter of you being "here" (alone) while GF is with Viking? Are you concerned about how the GF-Viking dyad will affect the plans you and Viking have together?

I know I know, more questions ...
Click to expand...

Hey Kevin,
Questions are good they get my brain unstuck from the less helpful things it gets mired in. I hope and expect to know more about how they expect their dyad to affect mine and the Viking's dyad as well as how much overlapping we're willing to try. How their plans and views of the future alter mine? It is also hard for me being here while she is there with him and not having any input. That is a totally new experience for me and very foreign to anything we've previously discussed. I hope and expect to have a better idea of if he can balance all of our needs and wants with his want to have everything his way. Right now he isn't and I'm considering not flying up there tomorrow.

I have repeatedly asked for him to please just find 5-10 minutes in private with his undivided attention on the phone to call me, really check in with me on how I'm feeling and freely share something they have talked about that affects me that she's ok with him sharing. He hasn't called. To me that says he's gone back to his spoiled toddler attitude of this relationship is his way or the highway and if I don't like it I can leave. Which is exactly what I was afraid of happening when she came. She probably doesn't even know there's an issue. To me this makes it pretty obvious that my pain and my needs are not important enough for him to make the time and effort. If that's the case then I see no reason why I should take a week of my time away from home where I have lots of things to do and animals that need me to cater to the whims of someone I'm that low in priority to.

This is so damned hard but I really don't think I'm asking for anything unreasonable. Maybe he just doesn't love me as much as I thought he did. This has nothing to do with being poly in the end just about honesty in how we feel. Thanks for listening.
 
Bluebird,
Yes I saw that after Kevin pointed it out. Sorry for the confusion. Happy Spring/Easter
 
Hi LeeAnn,

I hear how painful it's been for you with Viking gone and him not calling you, despite repeated statements from you that you would like this. I see this as a completely reasonable request on your end.

However, it seems like you're making loads of conclusions about his behavior without knowing his perspective. He must not love me that much if he can't do this. He must not really care about me. I get how your mind goes down that route, and I've been there before. But how is that helpful for you while you're struggling? Why not ask him what happened next time you see him? "I asked for this. You did not do this. What happened?" There could be a million reasons why he didn't do this, including a crisis came up and he found it hard to get away, he didn't know it was that important to you, his phone is broken, etc. Why not give him the benefit of the doubt for NOW until you know his point of view? While it doesn't take away the pain of the current situation, I suspect those thoughts are only making you feel worse...?

I say all this coming from a similar experience recently when I was out of town for several weeks (for job stuff) and asked Roger to call me to check in at some point. He didn't and frequently made excuses for why he wasn't able to. I calmly told him that I needed to stay connected to him and feel supported while I was feeling lonely and missed him tremendously. I simply said "we had talked about this. You did not do this and I did not want to interrupt your time with Taylor by calling you. What happened?" Turns out for him, he was really struggling with adjusting to being the hinge, trying to balance the time he had with her and the time he usually spent with me. He was quite concerned (overly, in my opinion) that she would be hurt by him stepping away to call me for a few minutes and instead of discussing this with her, he just avoided the whole thing. In addition, he was worried that if he told me how much he missed me, that I would end up feeling even sadder than I was (not the case - it would have felt validating that it wasn't just me. I told him this). I got a lot of insight into his difficulties becoming a hinge and he got a lot of insight into how avoiding "conflict" with her and me wasn't working and where he could grow as a hinge. He ended up talking with her, and she was completely okay with it, especially since they had several weeks together of rarely-interrupted time while I was gone. It had nothing to do with how much he loved me, and we were able to both understand how each other was feeling.

As a side note, I think using nicknames for people is much easier to read than initials anyway. I'd consider removing N all together in your signature and replacing it with Viking, as well as coming up with a nickname for M. It's actually less identifying anyway, since there is no connection to their actual names.

Just my two cents! :)
 
Hi LeeAnn,

It sounds like you are mainly struggling with a fear that Viking isn't able to handle a second relationship (with GF) appropriately. Since he isn't willing or able to call you, can you call him? It seems like the two of you have some talking to do.

Keep us posted.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Assumptions and Issues

Dear Chrissy and Kevin,
Thank you both for responding. Chrissy, you're right I did make a lot of assumptions about why he wasn't willing/able to give me a small thing I needed. Unfortunately, even once he called there wasn't really a good explanation other than that he wasn't really paying attention to what I actually wanted and hadn't bothered to read all of my emails, texts and IM's. I told him that I wasn't coming up if he couldn't make 10 minutes away from her to call me. He called a few hours later. Frankly, I believe he was so caught up in enjoying himself and having fun that he just couldn't be bothered until there was a negative consequence that he didn't like. I'm up here with him now and of course he & the GF have made plans that are contrary to lots of the things he and I had talked about.

Kevin, You are exactly right. I'm afraid that he isn't really capable of being poly and loving us both. I don't see him being able to balance our needs at all. What I have seen and felt so far is him putting what he wants above any and everything else. Him choosing to leave me in excruciating pain rather than even ask her to be uncomfortable to lessen some of the pain I'm in. From what I can tell the GF and I are generally on the same page but right now she wants as much time with him as possible which fits with what he wants so no complaints from her other than wanting more time.

The next few weeks of us being together again for the first time since the big "Reveal" should offer me a much more accurate picture of what he is willing and able to do to work on rebuilding us. Thank you both very much.
Hugs,
LeeAnn
 
Sounds like he's wrapped up in NRE and neglecting your needs as he's head over heels with GF. I can imagine that feels awful for you. :(

Could this article be of help?

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

I read this with Roger early on to help him (and me) understand how NRE might affect our relationship. It was wonderfully helpful as a jumping off point for our conversation.

I hear that he is not understanding what you need or perhaps choosing not to be responsive. I also want to point out that it sounds like this is his first relationship outside of your and his relationship (am I correct there?) and so he is still learning the skills needed to be an effective hinge. Sounds like the two of you have some work ahead of you, but it's normal for it to be a bumpy road for a while. I hope you are able to take care of you in the meantime.
 
Hi LeeAnn,

If Viking is acting just plain selfish that is certainly a problem. You could say that polyamory has turned him into a selfish person, but really he's the one who chooses to be selfish or not. NRE inhibits judgment so he could be partially excused by it. But I get the impression he knows he hasn't been doing right by you. At the end of the day, it's still him who's making these choices.

Somehow I hope you can be both frank and courteous toward him as you call him out on his behavior. He needs to know that he's letting NRE ruin his perfectly good relationship with you, that it's wrong, that he needs to stop it because it's wrong, besides the fact that he might lose you if he keeps it up. What he should be concerned about right now is whether he's doing the right thing.

I take it his girlfriend at least is basically on your side, and that's a good thing.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Poly Hell

reflections said:
Sounds like he's wrapped up in NRE and neglecting your needs as he's head over heels with GF. I can imagine that feels awful for you. :(

Could this article be of help?

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

I read this with Roger early on to help him (and me) understand how NRE might affect our relationship. It was wonderfully helpful as a jumping off point for our conversation.

I hear that he is not understanding what you need or perhaps choosing not to be responsive. I also want to point out that it sounds like this is his first relationship outside of your and his relationship (am I correct there?) and so he is still learning the skills needed to be an effective hinge. Sounds like the two of you have some work ahead of you, but it's normal for it to be a bumpy road for a while. I hope you are able to take care of you in the meantime.
Click to expand...

Hey Chrissy,
You're correct on all fronts. This is his first poly relationship and he is struggling mightily in this hinge position. I have not only read the article but have read her book "Love In Abundance". I know my husband has read the article. He doesn't see himself caught up in NRE. Hopefully he will find a way to balance what he wants with what I need.
Hugs,
LeeAnn

 
NRE or just Selfish

kdt26417 said:
Hi LeeAnn,

If Viking is acting just plain selfish that is certainly a problem. You could say that polyamory has turned him into a selfish person, but really he's the one who chooses to be selfish or not. NRE inhibits judgment so he could be partially excused by it. But I get the impression he knows he hasn't been doing right by you. At the end of the day, it's still him who's making these choices.

Somehow I hope you can be both frank and courteous toward him as you call him out on his behavior. He needs to know that he's letting NRE ruin his perfectly good relationship with you, that it's wrong, that he needs to stop it because it's wrong, besides the fact that he might lose you if he keeps it up. What he should be concerned about right now is whether he's doing the right thing.

I take it his girlfriend at least is basically on your side, and that's a good thing.

Regards,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...

Dear Kevin,
You're absolutely right about poly not turning Viking into a selfish person he is making that choice over and over again because he wants things his way. I have been trying very hard to explain to him why his decisions are so hurtful. He doesn't understand why I can't handle more than 3-4 of him being alone at one time with her right now. Everything we talk through and work out changes as soon as he's talking to or with her. I suffer from C-PTSD and he doesn't understand that his betrayal has thrown me into a full regression that I am working very hard to get out of but is unreliable behavior only makes it harder for me.

The GF certainly empathizes with me but I seriously doubt that she will do anything to contradict him as she says he is the Captain.
Thank you for always offering great advice and insights.
Hugs,
LeeAnn
 
He sounds pretty determined to have his own way. You'll have to make your own decisions as to what you're willing to put up with and for how long. It's great to be loyal to him, but it's important to take care of yourself, too. Try to determine what course of action will be the most healthy for you.
 
purplepeach72 said:
Hey Chrissy,
You're correct on all fronts. This is his first poly relationship and he is struggling mightily in this hinge position. I have not only read the article but have read her book "Love In Abundance". I know my husband has read the article. He doesn't see himself caught up in NRE. Hopefully he will find a way to balance what he wants with what I need.
Hugs,
LeeAnn
Click to expand...

Oh boy, he won't even acknowledge that NRE is a factor in this? I'll second Kevin's thoughts about him making the decision time and time again to choose his wants over your wants. Perhaps a poly friendly counselor would be useful at this point? I'm sorry that you feel like you cannot even communicate with him about this issue in a way that he can be open and non-defensive. I'm sure that hurts a lot. Take care of yourself.
 
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