Poly to Stretch Oneself

tronprogram

tronprogram

New member
So in the short time that it looked like I might get to freely explore polyamory, I got a pretty good taste of what it could be like.

It felt like I was Superman. I just felt stronger as a person because I was having to maintain two relationships and love two women at the same time. It just made me really happy to be doing it. I've been trying to work out at the gym a little bit these days and I just look at my arms and they seem to resemble how my heart feels. Ready to protect and love and serve the women in my life. Finally having the freedom to do that feels like I can fly too. This feels like how I'm supposed to live life.

Is this all part of NRE with one of those girls or is it a sign that I'm just wired for poly? Can anyone identify with this feeling?
 
NRE, sounds like to me. It makes everything awesome!
 
graviton said:
do both of your partners know about each other and consent to it?
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Well, they both knew, but my wife didn't consent and I eventually ended things with the other girl after a while. Before that, while I was resisting that demand, I was trying to get a feel for what it would be like to live with the idea that I had a wife and a LDR girlfriend. I'd never considered this lifestyle until my wife suggested it as a way of ending our marriage (which I didn't realize at the time). I was genuinely interested in trying it and had already met this girl, so I wanted to try it out first and see if there were genuine risks with it or if it was actually worth doing. I found out it was very MUCH worth doing whenever it seemed like my wife didn't mind it.

Bluebird said:
NRE, sounds like to me. It makes everything awesome!
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I hope you're not being sarcastic here. ;) The only reason I don't feel like it's NRE is because it doesn't feel like instant gratification so much as just exhilaration, maybe. I thought a lot about how nice it was to have my wife care so much for me and a girlfriend who was starting to as well. It just made me happy and I didn't feel like I needed a thing for myself. I just wanted to reciprocate that abundance of love back to them.
 
Hi tronprogram,

Poly does seem to be a good fit for you, although I'm sure NRE plays a role here somewhere.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I'm definitely not denying I'm not feeling the NRE. I just didn't know if that feeling of receiving extra love and giving extra love was NRE or if that went with the territory.

Regardless, I'm having a really tough time giving up my 'girlfriend', Penny. I've always kind of been worried that I might get carried away with some of the tendencies underlying this polyamory and that I will wind up sleeping around with women indiscriminately.

With Penny, I had a prospective partner with similar tastes in everything from sex to water chestnuts. Ever since Mabel made me completely stop talking to her a week ago, it just hasn't felt right. I've tried to be so sullen all the time that I can't enjoy time with Mabel, but it's really hard. It feels like things are out of whack now without Penny in the picture and not being able to fully express my life. I know it's still just a week and sometimes it takes a while to get over girls, but geez it's taking everything in me not just to text or call Penny and say, "I miss you."
 
I wasn't being sarcastic. NRE makes everything wonderful, and it heightens your emotions. That urge to text or call, that's your brain telling you to get another hit of NRE. It wants that euphoric feeling.

It will garble your good sense of you let it. Don't touch that phone until things get worked out with your wife. NRE takes a bit to wear off, so let it jut die dude. It'll happen again, I swear, when you get your house in order.
 
Ever since Mabel made me completely stop talking to her a week ago, it just hasn't felt right.
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I mean this kindly, and I'm going to be blunt. I apologize if it comes across a bit harsh, but I feel directness is important here.

You chose to stop talking to Penny. You cheated on Mabel (emotionally and physically). In order to save your marriage, you chose to end things with Penny to refocus on your relationship with Mabel.

You can choose to start talking to Penny again. But Mabel then has the choice to decide if she wants to stay in a relationship with you as a poly person (or cheating person) or not.

You need to take responsibility for your choices.

On this forum, I've seen a lot of people post about cheating on their partner, telling him/her, and asking to open their relationship because they've fallen in love. I've seen many of those relationships end catastrophically. The most successful stories come from people who cheat, discover they are poly (or want multiple relationships at that time in their life), and end everything with the person they cheated with (forever). From there, after mending the original relationship, they might, just might, be able to talk with their partner about opening up.

I worry that if you keep a foot in each camp (still holding out for Penny while trying to abide to your wife's requests for monogamy), you will not be making the kind of commitment and "all in" that your marriage needs right now after you cheated. And from your posts, it is clear to me that you are idealizing Penny and comparing her to your more realistic view of Mabel.

At the end of the day, I think you will likely have to choose Mabel or Penny.
 
reflections said:
I mean this kindly, and I'm going to be blunt. I apologize if it comes across a bit harsh, but I feel directness is important here.

You chose to stop talking to Penny. You cheated on Mabel (emotionally and physically). In order to save your marriage, you chose to end things with Penny to refocus on your relationship with Mabel.

You can choose to start talking to Penny again. But Mabel then has the choice to decide if she wants to stay in a relationship with you as a poly person (or cheating person) or not.

You need to take responsibility for your choices.

On this forum, I've seen a lot of people post about cheating on their partner, telling him/her, and asking to open their relationship because they've fallen in love. I've seen many of those relationships end catastrophically. The most successful stories come from people who cheat, discover they are poly (or want multiple relationships at that time in their life), and end everything with the person they cheated with (forever). From there, after mending the original relationship, they might, just might, be able to talk with their partner about opening up.

I worry that if you keep a foot in each camp (still holding out for Penny while trying to abide to your wife's requests for monogamy), you will not be making the kind of commitment and "all in" that your marriage needs right now after you cheated. And from your posts, it is clear to me that you are idealizing Penny and comparing her to your more realistic view of Mabel.

At the end of the day, I think you will likely have to choose Mabel or Penny.
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I completely agree. Cheating is a selfish, vile act. If you truly acknowledge that, you wouldn't even dream of expecting a spouse to stay with you whilst you continue a relationship with the person you committed the betrayal with. You would not even ask. You'd know that even if you do open up the relationship at some point, it could never be with the person you cheated with. If you really couldn't be without that person, and you truly respect your spouse, you'd leave your spouse to be with them. You wouldn't ask them to compromise their security and dignity and all that other vital stuff for you to fulfil your desires. If you're truly poly, you know there are "other fish in the sea".

I also noted in another thread that you feel resentful towards the people involved in your upbringing as you feel you missed out on the chance to explore your sexuality. That's deflecting the responsibility. You are not stuck. You could leave this marriage and seek what you desire, but like many cheaters who are still plagued by the selfishness and lack of consideration that provokes such actions, you feel you should be able to have it all.
 
Op in your posts you come across as a selfish self centered individual.

If you want to keep your marriage stop with the melodramatic pinning for polyamory. Dude you cheated your highly lucky Mabel didn't put yourself and your stuff out on the curb. You seriously need to fix your marriage before even dreaming of polyamory.

If you can't live without poly then leave your wife. You are very selfish to want to force someone into a relationship model they do not want.

Right now you're high on NRE. Grow up and do the right thing. Either work on your marriage and forget about Penny because Mabel isn't ever going to accept her anytime soon some she is always going to be associated with pain and heartbreak. Or get a divorce and do whatever you want. I guarantee poly isn't all the sunshine and Rainbow unicorn farts you seen to think it is.
 
Hi tronprogram,

We can't always choose our feelings, but we can choose our actions. You don't *have* to get back together with Penny, you can choose to let that relationship go.

Your perception is that Penny is a perfect match for you, while Mabel is a dubious match. You seem to almost resent Mabel for not letting you have Penny and the marriage both.

Based on what you've said in past posts, you can't have Penny unless Mabel agrees to it. Because if you divorce Mabel, then Penny won't want to be with you. You and Penny would both have to be married, or at least both single, in order for that to work.

So, maybe you feel like your choices are, Mabel, or nothing? If you're looking for words to convince Mabel to let you have Penny, I don't know what those words would be. I don't think such words exist. Mabel is determined to keep you away from Penny if she can.

Yes, Mabel was the one who originally suggested an open marriage. But I don't think she really wanted you to take up on that offer. She was essentially bluffing.

Think about whether you can really be committed to your marriage, given the circumstances and that you feel like Mabel is stopping you from being with Penny. You can always hope that Mabel will change her mind someday. Is that what you want to base your commitment on?

I'm sorry I couldn't be the bearer of good news. You have some hard choices to make. :(
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
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