Polyamory and Borderline Personality Disorder

[IndieSolo]

Everyone says set boundaries. Everyone says that it is my bf's responsibility to deal with his wife, not mine. Yes, yes, that all makes sense. But the reality of implementing boundaries is extremely difficult. When I tried to set boundaries, the wife freaked out at me, saying that I was trying to make her behave and that I was shaming her. When my bf tried to set boundaries, she threatened to commit suicide and refused to let him spend the night at my place.

What were your boundaries, and his? When I read this, I wondered whether you confused boundaries with rules.

Boundaries are simply limits or parameters you set for yourself, not for other people. For example, "I won't take calls after midnight" is setting a boundary. You enforce it by turning your ringer off and letting calls go to voicemail. If you tell people what your boundary is, it doesn't place any expectation on them. All they know is that they will get your voicemail if they call you late. They can still call you, but you won't take the call - meaning that it is a boundary you set for yourself and are able to manage yourself. It is not dependent upon someone else.

But if you say to someone, "You are not allowed to call me after midnight," that is a rule and comes off as controlling. Then, they feel limited and perhaps even scolded by someone telling them what they can and cannot do. And the fact is we really cannot control other people. If they think of something they want to tell you at 1am, or they lose track of time, and call you anyway, even if they get your voicemail, then they basically fucked up and did something "wrong." That sort of thing can breed resentment.

So, if you set personal boundaries for yourself, I don't know how they could be construed as trying to make her behave or shaming her, unless your boundary was actually a rule about something she can or cannot do.