Processing, Encounters, societal expectations

[skadhi]

I'm not sure if this is the right forum area for this topic, and I'm not sure on the parameters of discussing kink and side swinging topics here.

I'm not sure where to start. Since my husband has lost interest in practicing our kinks this has been an unmet need for me for quite awhile. I've been frustrated because it's a person specific need for me. I want to do them with him.

I've been lucky that SO and I have kinks in common and are open to helping each other get the needs we don't share met, but it being a complicated LDR and his caretaking of his mom means we haven't been able to meet and do them like we'd both like to.

SO has been encouraging me to get my sexual and kink needs met locally and I've gradually been opening to the idea for months now. We both have sub desires, but we both can switch. He likes the idea of me having sex with someone else and I like pleasing him by doing it. And I like that he gets turned on by me having sex with strangers.

So I finally had sex with someone else other than my husband. Even though I've been emotionally poly with different people over the years, I never had sex with them, mostly because I was afraid of messing up my relationship with DH. I let societies tapes that I don't even believe in control me anyway.

All this time I was afraid and thought I'd get emotional during the encounter, but I was fine. I was able to just be in the moment, when usually I'm worrying about the future. It was great, NSA and I don't have any regrets. When I told SO afterwards, he commented that I was giddy and I was. I was on a high for the next 24 hours at least.

When I told dh I'd finally done it though, I got emotional because I don't want to hurt him ( he wasn't hurt) and because after 20 years of being "faithful" I finally had sex with someone else. Plus there is the aspect that I'd told myself that I wanted the first person to be SO. But I'm not upset that it's not. I'm fine. I realize that it's internalized societal guilt. So I'm trying to process it, which is why I started this thread.

I sort of feel like after telling dh my thrill died, maybe some of it was the illicit aspect, maybe it's because I'm just in a different phase of processing it? I'm not sure.

Anyone want to share any insight? I'm a little torn over the fact that I loved it in the moment but it also made me want SO and DH even more and brought the frustration of not being able to physically do the things I want to with each of them. DH and I do have sex though.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello skadhi,

I think it's fine that you got together with NSA (I assume that is your name for him here), and it sounds like DH and SO are both okay with it as well. It's possible you're overthinking things, and borrowing trouble. Be glad for what you have, here in the now. If there's trouble tomorrow, you can deal with it then.

Perhaps you are still frustrated about not being able to experience the kink you want with SO (due to the long distance and his mom) and DH (due to his lost interest). But I suggest dealing with this as a separate issue, as getting together with NSA doesn't seem to be a problem on its own. These are just some thoughts and I hope it is helpful.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[skadhi]

NSA is short for no strings attached, sorry probably should have written it out at least the first time I used it. It was basically a one night stand with someone I don't know.

I think that most of my confusion was about my own reaction when I told DH. And I told him because we'd previously talked about how he'd feel if I did have casual sex with other people, and I felt that I at least needed to tell him that I had done it that first time. Like, ok I started doing this. I'm checking in with how you feel about it and how I feel about it.

And I'm just trying to integrate where this fits in my life.

 

[kdt26417]

That makes sense.