Pursing a potential partner for the first time

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MostlyMarried

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Pursuing a potential partner for the first time

Hi! I'm new to the site. I know this is long, and it probably falls under the category of "dating advice," but I don't think I can get serious answers anywhere else.

My husband and I have been monogamous for 12 years. We've been discussing polyamory for over 3 years.

We jointly pursued a young woman who was dating an abusive asshole. Eventually she moved in with us, but we didn't learn until then that he had also infected her with HIV, and we all agreed that an intimate relationship wouldn't work. She lived with us for a year while she sought treatment, got on her feet, and started (responsibly) dating again. She and my husband were very close, spending almost all their time together between work and home, and they referred to each other as best friends. But I had to ask that she move out a few months ago, due to my just feeling physically and emotionally cramped by having her around all the time. She still comes by a lot, but our relationship is healthier now.

This is all to say that while we've never actually been practically polyamorous, we've discussed it through and through, done the research, and even had a taste of how it would impact us on an emotional if not physical level.

In the meantime, there was this single guy I'd worked with for a year, Blake. He wasn't physically the type of guy I'd normally be attracted to, but the more I got to know him, the more he grew on me. He's a total introvert, a big Eeyore, some obvious self-esteem issues. He's totally into gaming, and I like to game too, so we've got at least one big similar interest.

We ate lunch together every day as part of the group at work. Blake seemed fairly comfortable with me at work. He complimented me from time to time. We flirted pretty openly, so much that other people noticed. He knew I was married, as I mentioned my husband now and then. I never mentioned that I was interested in polyamory. About two months ago, he left our company for a new job (that I recommended him for, at my old company), and subsequently moved much closer to me.

So now that I was totally hung up on him, didn't work with him, and lived about 10 minutes away from him, he suddenly became a viable option. I remembered, from conversations with him, that relationships never worked out for him because he always seemed to find co-dependent girls who couldn't give him enough time or space to do his own thing. Bolstered by the thought that a poly relationship might actually solve this issue, I had the discussion with my husband and got his permission to pursue the relationship, promising that I'd check back in as things progressed. So, thinking that the best way to discuss it with Blake was in person, I started asking him to hang out...That's when things started going south.

A caveat here that I have not dated since I was a teenager, when hormones pretty much guaranteed that my interest alone made it a "done deal." Apparently, single adult (early 30s) men are much more careful and discerning about whom they get into a relationship with. Assuming that his natural modesty and reclusion would mean that he needed a lot of encouragement, I may have been a little aggressive about trying to get a chance to discuss it with him. He refused every offer to see me, first saying he was busy, then that he was afraid it would be awkward, and finally that I was pushing too hard. Over time, he got more and more distant: not answering my texts, hiding from me on chat, being short with me on the rare occasion he did reply. I assumed he'd picked up on the fact that I was interested in being more than friends, and I reasoned (perhaps wrongly) that he was interested, but knew that I was married, so was trying to head things off.

So I decided to come out over e-mail. I wrote a short note to say that I was attracted to him, and wanted to get to know him better, in the interest of perhaps pursuing an intimate relationship, and that I had already gotten my husband's permission. He responded later that day to say that he, not being totally oblivious, had started to suspect something, and that was probably why he was pushing me away. He said he was sorry, but that he wasn't interested due to not wanting to get in the middle of my marriage. He was willing to be friends, but understood if I didn't.

I wrote back to assure him that I wouldn't have asked if it was going to cause a problem. I explained a bit of our ethos, and made a case as to why this type of relationship might work well for him. I asked him to take some time and consider it. Later, I followed up to say that I didn't need any kind of commitment right now, all I was asking for was that he not shut me out, so we could have the chance to get to know each other better.

It's been two days and I've heard nothing back. No response to my texts, and he's obviously got me blocked on Steam. As folks who've got more experience with new relationships and dating than me, does it seem like he was being honest that it was just about my being married, or is he genuinely just not interested in me, and used my marriage as a convenient excuse? What should my next steps be, to give up on him as a lost cause, or to keep up little signs of continued interest, in the hopes that he's just working through it? How do you deal when you want to communicate so desperately with someone that doesn't want to communicate with you?

Thank you very much for reading; I look forward to your responses!
 
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Just off the top of my head, my first thought is that all the texts, emails, etc., don't really scream independent female. It seems a little "come on too strong," all the while you're explaining to him that he would have the freedom to be himself. Actions speak louder than words most of the time. Maybe he is feeling smothered a bit. No one really knows what the issue is but him.

When someone doesn't want to communicate with another, there isn't much one can do but quietly go away, or continue to drive him farther away.
 
Leave the man alone.

He is not interested.
 
MostlyMarried said:
It's been two days and I've heard nothing back . . . Does it seem like he was being honest that it was just about my being married, or is he genuinely just not interested in me, and used my marriage as a convenient excuse? What should my next steps be?
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Does it really matter what his reasons are? No means no. Move on.

Next time you are interested in someone, check your need to have what you want when you want it. Dating means there will always be potential for rejection. You probably came off as too aggressive, demanding, needy, or all three.
 
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Perhaps the more pertinent question you need to answer is why you're spending so much time and energy pursuing someone who is not interested.
 
Thanks for the responses, all. I guess it's pretty clear, looking at it from the outside. I was hoping that if I could give him more information, ease his concerns, that I could change his mind. I always try to say what I feel, so I have a hard time understanding when people are expecting me to read between the lines.

I'm sure I was coming off as needy and desperate, but I didn't like the idea of pretending I didn't care. That seemed too much like playing games. I was always able to justify it by saying that he was shy, and wouldn't make the first move, would doubt my intentions, that a lot of people probably didn't stick around long enough to break through his shell, and that he was probably really lonely. In short, I was probably projecting my emotions onto him, which is all too easy to do when he never really projected a voice of his own. I've deleted his contact information, so as to remove the temptation.
 
Yeah, thinking that if you just badger them that little bit more, they'll crack, isn't the best foundation for any relationship. He did project a voice of his own. He said no. But you completely ignored him and asked for ways you could make him do what you want.
 
london said:
Yeah, thinking that if you just badger them that little bit more, they'll crack, isn't the best foundation for any relationship. He did project a voice of his own. He said n. But you completely ignored him and asked for ways you could make him do what you want.
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I don't think that's entirely fair. I just wanted to make sure there were no misunderstandings about what I was suggesting. For someone who's never been exposed to polyamory, I could see a knee-jerk reaction.

It's not like I was texting ten times a day like, "WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME!?" I have some dignity.
 
Sorry it didn't work out.
 
MostlyMarried said:
I don't think that's entirely fair. I just wanted to make sure there were no misunderstandings about what I was suggesting. For someone who's never been exposed to polyamory, I could see a knee-jerk reaction. It's not like I was texting ten times a day like, "WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME!?" I have some dignity.
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I think that is fair, except the way you describe it in the OP feels very oppressive and needy (which is exactly what you said he dislikes).

We women often interpret male reactions in the same way we would react in that situation, but men are much less subtle. If he was pulling away from you, he was just not that interested. Truly. If he was into you, married or not, he would have replied, even if it was to say, "You are married. I can't go there."

It's more likely that you were beginning to tick him off. I am sorry, but that is how it reads in the OP.

Might be a good idea in the future to add the fact that you and your husband are in an open marriage earlier on in a friendship with a man.

Good luck. :)
 
It is very difficult sometimes for the person that loves or cares deeply about someone else to see the other person's viewpoint. When there is a mismatch in this viewpoint, quite often the person that is projecting the love toward the other feels like the other person simply has not seen yet, or does not understand the potential of happiness being offered toward them. This frustrates the one projecting these feelings greatly sometimes, pushing them toward 'making' the other person understand, but the reality is that the other person almost always knows what is going on already, but has chosen not to pursue it. The person on the receiving end of this one-sided love will almost always feel trapped in short order, because they have chosen not to accept this love, but do not want to show disrespect or reject the offer to try and keep from hurting or insulting the other person. The result, at first, is that replies are kind and subtle, dodging the offers, which drives the sender mad with confusion. Perpetuating this only frustrates both people, and like nancyfore said, all the explaining in the world will only result in driving the other person further away.

From what you have described, the guy knows what you want, and knows how you feel about him, but has chosen to put up a barrier against what you offer, for one reason or another. Your only pursuance of chance toward this person is to understand why that barrier was placed. I am sure, while you were still communicating with him, he told you, but your feeling of 'helping him overcome' got in the way, and the message likely got lost. If his concern is truly 'getting in the way' of your marriage, then the only thing that could possibly bring that kind of wall down would be if he started hanging out with your husband instead.

When I was 20 years old, I had a best guy friend who was married. I spent many a night at this couple's house. His wife had never been with anyone else but him, and she was deeply attracted me. We all got drunk one night, and he did not tell me, but went to bed early on purpose so that she could have me. She was absolutely beautiful. I was young, dumb, and well, full of c*m. Dressed in a very short skirt, she started rubbing my leg, and asked me into the kitchen with her, and I followed. She bent over in front of me, where I could see she had no panties on, rubbing against me, but I refused. I had to repeatedly refuse, and I walked away and left. Believe me, I wanted her, and still regret it sometimes, but I was not about to compromise the friendship I had with the 2 of them over it. That is what stopped me.

2 days later, the next Monday (he and I worked together), he was very, very upset, and told me that I was never to expect 'sex' with his wife again. He was clearly very jealous, even though he'd wanted her to have me. No amount of words I said could convince him that I did not have sex with her. I found out later that she was upset I rejected her, and told him that we did in fact have sex, to keep him from feeling that I let her down.

My point is that, even a guy, one who has temptation and is ready for it, if he has decent morals, and respect toward others, will not likely give in unless the feeling and words came from the both of you with much consent, happiness, and friendship to begin with. Short of this, there is no reason to bother him again.

Just my thoughts on it.
 
MostlyMarried said:
I always try to say what I feel, so I have a hard time understanding when people are expecting me to read between the lines.
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Actually, it doesn't sound like he hid his message between the lines at all.

I've often seen the comment, from poly people, that just because they're poly doesn't mean they want to date or have sex with every guy that comes along. Conversely, just because you're now poly doesn't mean every guy wants to date you.

In fact, it might almost come across as arrogant and/or insulting that you explained to him why a part-time relationship with no hope of marriage, family, and children, and the likelihood of being kept a secret from many people in your life might be really good for him, then went on to let him know that he should really reconsider-- as if his own initial thoughts on the matter were somehow lacking until you helped him see the light.
 
Next time, make your 'proposal' in person and not via email. Makes it much easier to see each others reactions, and it's less stressful than trying to figure out what a written communication means.
 
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