Question on Mono partners acceptance

[BrianneGoddess]

A question for partners who identify as monogamous, or for those with partners who are either monogamous with you or still figuring out what Poly means to them...

How long did/does it take you to understand and accept your partner's poly identity?
Is there a process to the acceptance?
Is there a way forward (as a couple) if your partner cannot accept this as a part of you?

Appreciate the responses and anything else anyone may want to add on this topic.

 

[kdt26417]

Re:

"How long did/does it take you to understand and accept your partner's poly identity?"

In many cases I think it can take about a year more or less.

Re:

"Is there a process to the acceptance?"

Many difficult heart-to-hearts, and a lot of patience.

Re:

"Is there a way forward (as a couple) if your partner cannot accept this as a part of you?"

The only way forward as a couple is if someone gives up what they want. The poly partner gives up all opportunities to be poly, or the mono partner makes as if to consent to the practice polyamory in the other partner. Neither of these options is likely to be favorable; both are likely to lead to deep resentment over time.

Other than that, the remaining way forward is a breakup. Obviously, most people don't want to do something that extreme. But what else is there? I don't know.

 

[RichardInTN]

Re:

"Is there a way forward (as a couple) if your partner cannot accept this as a part of you?"

The only way forward as a couple is if someone gives up what they want. The poly partner gives up all opportunities to be poly, or the mono partner makes as if to consent to the practice polyamory in the other partner. Neither of these options is likely to be favorable; both are likely to lead to deep resentment over time.

Other than that, the remaining way forward is a breakup. Obviously, most people don't want to do something that extreme. But what else is there? I don't know.

Unfortunately I have to agree with this.

In my case, I'm the "poly partner" who has chosen to give up poly (for now at least). There is some resentment building up in the relationship because of it too (mostly because she knew I was poly when we met, even though I wasn't in any other relationships at the time, and she agreed that it wouldn't be an issue... until after we got married, THEN it became an issue. While we were dating I didn't come across any others I saw as "relationship material" so being poly never became an issue, but once we were married she took it upon herself to take "poly" off the table because, in her words, "You didn't while we were dating so I don't see why you should need to now that we are married"). I do love her a lot, and I haven't been looking, but... I know if someone comes along, a choice will have to be made... and I resent that I'll have to make that choice (no matter what choice I make at the time).

 

[absinthe]

In my case, I'm the poly partner. I have been with my dh for 23 years, he says it took nearly 15 years to really accept my polyamorous nature. We spent years where I tried to be mono, and became resentful and frustrated. We spent years where he tried to tolerate my other relationships, but became insecure and felt inadequate. For the past number of years we've been in a really good, really positive place. We have been able to be authentic, and loving, and we are stronger than ever, but it has been a long road to get here.

 

[InfinitePossibility]

Well - neither my partner or I identify as either poly or mono. But - we do find that we are not entirely in agreement about relationships.

My partner, Art, feels strongly that poly or open relationships are the right thing to do. For him it is a moral good and something he feels he should be doing.

When we first started seeing each other, I was inclined to agree with him. I wasn't entirely sure but tended toward agreement.

So, I started researching. I joined this forum. I spoke to friends who I knew had had open relationships. I went to events on the subject. I read articles and books.

At the end of it all, I reached the conclusion that in fact, it wasn't something I want in my life now - and probably never will (although I am open to the possibility that things will change). I'm not up for being poly and I'm also not up for being the mono partner of a poly person. I've written lots about my thoughts and reasonings over the years so if you do want to find out about them, you can do.

Art and I have been together for about 5 years now and this is a topic of conversation for us fairly regularly. So he has known and been able to chat to me about all of my thoughts and feelings on the matter. He tells me that his feelings have shifted a little over the years. He agrees with me on much of what I say - but all things being equal, he'd rather we had an open relationship. It may be that resentment builds up over the years and we break up because of it. Or maybe we'll break up over something else. Or maybe we won't break up at all. I don't know but I'm happy to take the risk.

I think that what helps is that for us, meeting new people, forming close bonds with them and having crushes is absolutely fine. Neither of us has an expectation that we will go through life only having eyes for each other. We can talk about exciting new people in our lives without it being problematic.

Being able to talk about it and chat over our differing views - even if the conversations are sometimes difficult - really helps I think. Also - it's a decision that each of us reached for ourself over a period of years. So I think it's easier to feel more comfortable about it.

IP

 

[Dagferi]

How long did/does it take you to understand and accept your partner's poly identity?

I am the hinge between two mono men. But I don't identify as poly. I identify as Dagferi. Poly to me is a relationship configuration not an orientation.

Is there a process to the acceptance?

Everyone is different. There is no singular method or path people take on this journey.

Is there a way forward (as a couple) if your partner cannot accept this as a part of you?

Yes, just because you can have a relationship more than one person doesn't mean you need to. Murf came into my life knowing that Butch wasn't going anywhere. He decided he wanted me badly enough in my life that he was willing to deal with it. BUT he has made it perfectly clear that if something happens to Butch he would not be ok with me pursuing another partner. Nor would he be ok with me dating others period. So if something happens to Butch I would happily be in a monogamous relationship with Murf. Just because I can pursue, maintain, and enjoy poly relationships doesn't mean I have to. I am perfectly capable of being in a monogamous one.

 

[BrianneGoddess]

Thank you all for the feedback. Lots to go through and think on.

 

[KC43]

My answer is a bit different...or maybe a lot different.

When I met Hubby almost 8 years ago, I asked him what he would think of having an open relationship. He said he wouldn't be willing to do that. We became officially exclusive about a month after we first met (we became a couple that first night; my life works that way sometimes), and were monogamous from then until about 3 years ago.

I'm one of those who believes being polyamorous can be a choice *or* an orientation; for me, it's an orientation. It's what has always made sense to me, since I was old enough to think about relationships at all. But I didn't have a name for it, and I didn't act on it because that isn't how things are "supposed to be." I was miserable living monogamously, but I did it because most people are taught that's how they're supposed to live.

Three years ago, I confronted Hubby about some serious discord in our sex life. He's open-minded, but for himself is extremely conservative sexually, which meant he was shooting down anything I suggested that didn't involve being in our bed going from foreplay to intercourse. For reasons I won't go into, aside from being quite boring, his refusals to try things and the judgmental comments he made (which he's since admitted were him trying to cover up his discomfort) were very emotionally damaging to me.

When I confronted him, he thought about it overnight and the next day told me he was okay with me seeking other sexual partners if it would make things better for me. So I did. Six months later, I realized I'd fallen in love with one of those other partners, and per the agreement Hubby and I had made, I told Hubby "I'm in love with Guy, and I'm going to cut off all communication with him, but i wanted to be honest with you first."

His response was, "I don't want you to do that. You loving Guy isn't going to take away from how much you love me. You're polyamorous, and I'm okay with that." (He was the one who put the word to it.)

So tl/dr version: My monogamous husband was the one who identified how I felt as polyamory, and he accepted it immediately--faster and more easily than *I* did.

 

[vinsanity0]

I am a poly guy. The last two mono women who wanted to be a part of my life ended up not being able to deal with that aspect very well, even though both knew I was poly. I will not be in a monogamous relationship with anyone. period.

So now one is a FWB and one is still a lifelong friend, probably with no sexual benefits.

Did I learn my lesson? Nope. I've been talking to my first ex-wife lately. She claims to accept the poly, but does not want relationships with other people. She is already expecting too much of my time. Hopefully that is just some NRE. She is a little passive aggressive, which is annoying.

Now when I met Cat she was poly but decided she wanted to be mono with me. So it can be done. It just depends on what you mean by "is poly".