Questions about kids and pregnancy

L

longdistancerunner

New member
Hi all! As many others, I'm a frequent reader on here. Not very big on the posting though. But the last time I posted on here I got a lot of great advice, so I figured I'd try again.

A little background: I met my girlfriend about a year ago and she was the one who introduced me to poly. While we've hard our ups and downs, I've mostly been very happy during this time. I enjoy living poly and I'm still exploring all the options and possibilities.

She's got a live-in partner and they've been together for a couple of years.
When we started dating, children was something we didn't talk that much about. She was pretty negative about it and was unsure whether she ever wanted to have any.
But lately, her attitude regarding this has changed a lot. She's been talking frequently about kids for the last month or so and she's currently feels that she probably wants to have children. We don't practice a hierarchical relationship policy in the way that she and her live-in partner has veto rights when it comes to how much time they can spend with other partners, going on vacations etc. But they do live together, share economy and so forth. So if she's having a kid, it's gonna be with him.

At the moment, I don't know how all of this is gonna turn out. Neither does she. Right now, she's in a stage in her life where she has big decisions to make. Except children, this includes job and education. Whatever the outcome will be, this whole thing got me thinking a lot. She's said that if they have children, she want me to be a part of the family. That made me very happy to hear, but at the same time, I don't know how we would do it. It also made me think about other aspects of our relationship, like if we would ever be able to have kids in the future and whether that would even be realistic and so forth.

Has anyone else in here been in similar situation? I feel lost and I want to try and think about this from different perspectives and not be neither naïve or cynical about it. Of course, even if you don't have any experience of this kind of situation, I would still be very thankful if you have some thoughts you'd like to share.

Thanks in advance!
 
Even women who have always been die-hard about being child-free by choice (like myself) sometimes think about what having kids would be like. Sometimes the thoughts pass and things settle back down into enjoying a child-free life again; sometimes they completely change their minds and embrace the idea of being a parent. So, she might wind up still not wanting kids.

I don't think you need to freak out unless she makes a hard and fast decision. But it's good to talk about it and I think you should ponder whether you want to be involved in co-parenting or would rather take a back seat and play uncle, if she does become pregnant.

Parenting is hard work and not for the squeamish!
 
Oof, this is a hard one.
I would ask her some of those questions. It would be a good time to figure out if she sees this as a long term relationship. I have seen poly couples that practice monogamy during conception, pregnancy, and the first year or so of parenting... and then open back up once ready. It might be good to ask her what her intentions are, regarding who the father is, what the parenting style would look like, and if she would consider having a second child with you in the future.

I find this issue super hard. I too have historically been very certain I did not want children. Now, at 33, I just had my first mega-surge of baby-wannas. It was HARD. For three months I wanted a baby so bad that I almost left my soul mate (he does not want kids, definitively).
I just breathed through the ticking clock feeling and now I am peacefully back at baseline... not feeling like I need that anymore. So, like the above poster said, she could change her mind again. But it is important to ask questions about the dynamics that effect your life, and know where you stand in the plans.
 
Hi longdistancerunner,

How do you feel about your girlfriend having a child with her live-in partner? How will you feel if she tells you she doesn't want to have a child with you even later on?

These seem to be the two questions that would affect you the most, that's why I ask them.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you all for the feedback, I really appreciate it. I'm going to wait and see where this ends up. In the meantime, I'll try my best to think about how I would handle a decision that means they'll be trying to have a baby. Guess it's always extra tricky when it comes to the big decisions.
 
I had a baby early this year. My husband is the father. My boyfriend does not live with us, but comes over at least once a week. When he is here, he is very hands on with little girl. He wears a baby carrier when we go out and walk excessively. He comforts her when she cries. He passes her right back to me when she needs a diaper. Lol as she grows up, I anticipate that she will see him as something between an extremely part time extra parent or a super involved uncle. We aren't having her have a special name for him, so whatever she picks when she begins to speak is what we will go with.

My choice to have a baby was not made with Boy. He knew I was thinking about it but kept out of it, saying he'd be around either way. He has been nothing but supportive, and Hubby and I both think of him as family. Just not nuclear family.

That's how we've done it. I also don't think in terms of primary or secondary, but I am legally married, sharea home, share finances, and now coparent with my husband so inherent primary status kind of go with that. I would consider doing all of that (minus the legal marriage part) with Boy as well but previous failed marriages have made him pretty content to be am independent guy.
 
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