Really need advice... first time in poly relationship... deeply confused...

[princess]

Hey, I'll just start off by saying I don't even know how I fell into this. You could say it just happened... I started working at a new job and that's where I met her... She was the first one to invite me to go out with the co-workers on her B-Day. It was nice. We clicked instantly...

The second time we went out, we kissed. I mean, it just happened... I'm still trying to see how I got into this but I can't pinpoint when it happened. it just did... Me & her were happy and everything was ok...

Her man seemed ok with everything. It was hard at first, but then everything started falling apart... We went on a road trip & all hell broke loose, with her man always telling her she showed way more attention to me then him... It was kinda true, but that's because he lives with her n they are always together...

Me n her would always c each other at work, but we would never be intimate. It was against policy to date co-workers... so we never acted on it... We could only be intimate on the weekends... i ended up losing my job so we don't work together anymore...

i only c her once a week & if her man is around she isnt intimate at all... we had a talk n she claims that her man was never in this situation so we had to take a step back & take it slow because we were moving to fast... now she isn't intimate with me. It's always w/him so i'm feeling awkward... I'm with her, not with him, and he wont allow her n me to be by ourselves or have time for us...

last time i stayed @ her house i felt i shouldn't there... i asked her, if she wanted, i would just sleep over my friend's house from now on & she denied the request... i don't know what to do... her man has made it clear that everything has to be done together, even intimacy, but i don't want him like that... maybe with time i can, but im not with him. I was going to talk to him about this, that it's not right to be like this...

They live together, & have time alone together all the time... It's only fair to give me n her the same option, we only c each other once a week, its only fair.... yes i love her but i'm not happy at all...

i don't want to make a dumb move because ive never been polyamorous before... everything was fine until the end of the road trip & me losing my job... im working a better job now and wonder was this just a one time thing... i really need some advice... thanx!!

 

[BreatheDeeply]

First, let me just say that you've been through a rotten 'Welcome to polyamory' experience! It just sounds as though your gf and her bf didn't get their act together beforehand, and now you're suffering the consequences.

Before getting into each part of your story, I just have to ask, didn't your gf sit down with you and talk to about what you wanted/expected from the relationship? Didn't you talk to her about what she expected, and what her bf wanted? It just reads as though you all fell into this mess and there wasn't much communicating beforehand.

There are multiple relationships here:
yours and hers,
her and her bf,
her bf and you,
the 3 of you together.

So if there wasn't a big sit down, where everyone had a chance to explain exactly what they wanted and expected out of the relationships, then that's probably the first thing to do. Without that very important step, almost nothing else can be resolved. Open, and very honest communication needs to be the bedrock of all the relationships among the 3 of you.

If they aren't doing this (and they should), then you need to demand it. They are playing with emotions, and if you don't watch out, you could be the one getting hurt. So ask for a meeting, and tell them they need to be prepared to say exactly what's on their minds, what they want, and what they expect from you and the relationship.

Good luck. I hope that everything turns out good for everyone involved.

.

 

[princess]

Hey

Yes! We talked, but she never asked me what I wanted. From the beginning, we agreed I was with her and not with him... I respect her man, show him love, try not to leave him out of things, but it's never enough!!! I don't love him that way!!! With time maybe, but not now... I'm also new to this, so it's not like I know how to deal with much.... Her man wants to be part of everything, even intimacy. But they live together so they get their time alone and intimacy... I told her all this, and wanted to leave, but she didn't want me to... I just feel overwhelmed and literally feel like the side bitch (excuse my French)... I mean, I love her, but I feel I'm gonna have to leave or it's just gonna end...

 

[IndieSolo]

. . . now she isnt intimate with me, its always w/him, so i'm feeling akward... im with her not with him and he wont allow her n me to be by ourselves or have time for us... last time i stayed @ her house i felt i shouldnt there... i asked her if she wanted i would just sleep over my friends house from now on & she denied the request... i dont know what to do... her man has made it clear that everything has to be done together... even intimacy, but i don't want him like that... maybe with time i can, but I'm not with him....

Are you saying he is demanding that you have sex with him if you want to have sex with her? Is he forcing you to have sex with him?

If that is the situation, get out now. You have a choice. It is your body. He doesn't have a right to fuck you, or do anything sexual with you at all, if you don't want him to. That is abuse! That is rape.

Do not go back there. Break it off with her. If she is allowing her man to take advantage of you in that horrible way, she doesn't deserve your time and energy. Stand up for yourself, for goodness sakes!

 

[learninginTN]

I'm sorry you're in this mess. It is obvious that this couple are not on the same page in regards to you. They are going to have to have some long, honest conversations about whether this polyamorous situation is right for them. It seems as if the guy is not really on board with this idea right now, and that's why he gets pretty jealous if you girls spends too much time (for him) with each other. It's actually pretty irresponsible of both of them to let you into this relationship before they actually agree on what they want, because you're definitely stuck in the crossfire.

Right now the guy's attitude seems to be one of a monogamous person who is OK with you hanging around as long as it involves a FMF threesome. But you're not wanting that. You'd prefer a V relationship where you and the guy are not romantically involved. But the guy is not OK with that.

It's probably wise if you step away from this situation, and let them work on their expectations about such a relationship. But please don't do something like try to fool around with the woman behind the guy's back. That could turn out really bad for everyone, and it's unethical.

 

[trioseeking]

we been in the similar situation, recently

hi,

me and my wife recently been through a similar turmoil. Finally, today we broke the relationship with the third partner. It was painful, but we had no other choice.

We are from India. It was our first time being in a polygamous relationship that was emotional rather than just physical. I felt the burn when they started going out behind my back, though I can understand it's a sudden rush between two opposite genders, but the trust building is very important, especially at a time when the relationship is still tender.

The man (3rd entity) must understand that he should make the guy/hubby/partner comfortable and friendly, the innocent chatting, discussing games, and anything under the earth, including the lady (being the point of attraction), rather than jumping in the process to impress the lady as much as possible and try to undo her pants.

As you said earlier, they were living together, which means they already had a strong bond even before you entered. Hence, you can't expect immediate acceptance from the man (unless he is cuckold) with full trust. the inbuilt jealousy and similar gender ego of 'possession' arises unless individuals are bi-curious, involved in varied friendly relationships.

In India, we have epic characters like Draupadi in the Mahabahrata, who had 5 hubbies and loved and respected all of them, though she was brought into the family by one of the brothers (Arjuna).

The most important part to be played is the 'lady love.' She should know how to balance two, should keep both the man in faith.... should be transparent to both...

Moreover, both males should respect each other (which seems missing, in the above note) and their capabilities, should compliment each other rather than trying to acquire the woman.

Love,
trioseeking