Relationship Troubles - Advice?

[opalescent]

Thread pointer

The issue of tact and honesty and politeness has come up quite a bit on the forum. This thread - http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23917 - was created by AnnabelMore. I've posted there as has NYCindie and lots of other folks. I encourage everyone - not just newer people - to read it as it really encapsulates the entire debate in one thread.

 

[Avatar]

Thanks for the link, opalescent.

 

[IndieSolo]

Wow, I just logged in and wasn't aware of all the animosity generated by my previous post. My words were not meant to imply that I am perfect, so I don't understand your calling me "Ms. PolyPerfect." Sorry if my words seemed harsh, but that was my initial impression. The way you described your relationship, it sounded like you two tried so hard to maintain this control over what the other was doing, how things were going, what was allowed, etc., and it truly was exhausting to read the ways in which you both treated each other. My heart hurt for you. I don't know how people can do that to the ones they love.

It seems like what you two strive for in poly is to make sure everybody is getting the same goodies, and she's hiding stuff, you're angry, both of you play "get even" with each other in not so subtle ways. You seem to be missing compassion and mutual respect for each other AND a desire to expand the lovingness in your lives (and not just the sex) via polyamory. And now things have blown up in your faces, you're feeling deceived, sad, and there seems to be so much anger going back and forth between you two. I do think counseling should help, and as I said previously, more talking to each other - honestly, directly, no holding back.

It would appear that there has to be a total reboot of your system, basically. Regroup, renegotiate, rebuild trust. I have a feeling that there was some significant issues between you and your wife that you both overlooked, hoping poly would fix things, but then poly magnified them. You came to an internet forum for advice and insight, that is mine. I'm just an anonymous blunderer like anyone else. Take what you like and leave the rest.

 

[Arrowbound]

Years go by, the marriage did end up hitting a little physical/emotional slump. More of a slow down of physicality. She decided she would like to open up the relationship, she is bisexual and thought it would be good to bring another woman to our relationship. Being a very easy going person, I said fine that could be nice and off she went looking to find a woman for us to share a relationship. Months go by and no luck, she said it's difficult, so why not just find a girlfriend for herself, I said, I didn't think that was very fair to me, she said I could find myself a girlfriend too. This wasn't a big deal to me, so I agreed to it, and set up an OKCupid profile, she did the same, I didn't really look very hard because like I said, it really wasn't a big deal to me.

First issue here. y'all didn't address the lack of intimacy between you before deciding to bring someone else into the mix. That really should be a priority. Another person is not the cure.

After about a month apart my wife and the woman speak again, and I tell her I don't approve of her. The other woman insists on writing me, apologizing for everything that has happened and promising that things will be different, would I please reconsider, let my wife see her. I relent and let them date again. It was a bad idea, didn't last very long, They've broken up but are still in touch with each other on facebook.

Yeah, things are never different after a month. Drama junkies that promise to change for you?

Side note: A couple months ago, despite the fact that we've had conversations about it before, and she knows I'm not interested, she tells me she wants to have children. Don't get me wrong, I like kids, and generally they like me as well, I'm told by both my wife and our friends who are parents that I do have a way with children. But I don't want any for myself, it's just not in my DNA, I explain to her that we've talked about this before, I'm not interested in kids, and besides we couldn't afford it now. She agrees, and has since told me that it's just something that she has to learn to live with and hasn't asked about it in a while.

A heads-up: this is going to be a sore point in your relationship for the duration. You're unlikely to change your mind, and so is she, despite her concession that you can't afford it right now. Somewhere down the line you might be able to, and it's going to come up. It's going to come up time and time again.

The next day all hell breaks loose at home. My wife tells me I went about this all wrong, how she should have met her at the same time I met her and how could I take her where my friends we going to be. And how she "hopes I had a great time" and that she is going to break up with her girlfriend, and she wants to close the relationship again. And that we need to go to marriage counseling. I tell her to calm down, I'm sorry if I went about things wrong in how I met her, and that if that's the way she wants things that's the way they would be in the future if I met people. She tells me she doesn't want me to see this girl while we work on our relationship. I tell her fine, we'll work on us, I'll see a marriage counselor with her, but that I want to keep in touch with the girl at least as friends while we work things out. I don't like the idea of burning bridges. Later that day she tells me she did end up breaking up with her girlfriend, and that "her relationships with girls are never real anyway"

I. I'm not you but I don't appreciate how your wife spewed her knee-jerk reaction and thoughtlessly used your date as a way to trash her relationship with her gf and demand closing up. Problematic. No one is perfect but she might need to do some reading on how to cope with jealousy and adverse feelings to your venture out.

II. Her demand that you don't see the girl really shouldn't be a demand. You would've agreed to halt things if she asked for some more time in a more assertive way.

III. I'd be so pissed if I was her gf and knew she said something like this. It's mean, humiliating and I'm gleaning that it's a way to minimize things on her end so that what you're doing on yours is more of "the issue".

I feel deceived and angry that she went and had these experiences with people, and now the moment I set my foot in the water, she wants me to end what I feel is a lifestyle I think is now a part of me.

The counselling is definitely a good idea, so this can be addressed.

My wife told me today that I'm hurting her because I am still in touch with this girl, through facebook messages, I caught my wife "spying" in my facebook account.

Not okay. You have a right to privacy. If she wants to know something she needs to ask instead of snooping around.

So I'm feeling deceived, and sad about everything that's been going on, we have our first counseling appointment on Thursday, but who knows how this counselor will react to a poly relationship, so I'm seeking advice here. Anyone?

About the Facebook stuff, I agree with whoever said to change your password and log out each time.