Roommate threatening to "out" me to my husband (lmao)

[mountaingirl]

I live with my husband, my boyfriend and two of my husbands childhood friends (we'll call them Cris and Larry). Sounds like the beginning of a really bad joke, because it is! Larry told my husband yesterday that he saw me and boyfriend naked on the couch together (I remember the incident, it was 3 months ago). We were watching true crime shit on netflix, and maybe I like to do that in the nude, sue me It was a whole thing, mostly because this came up ONLY when i confronted Larry about a girl he's had over every night for two months needing to start paying rent or limit her overnights. Once Larry gets all apologetic, I find out that Cris has been wanting to move out because he thinks I have boyfriend and husband "whipped" and I get whatever I want. And also that Cris was threatening to tell my husband all about me and boyfriend. Too bad he already knows; to be a fly on the wall for that conversation I guess Larry thinks he can get back on my good side by telling me all the shit that Cris has been talking.
Probably too old and too unorthodox to still be living with 2 dudes + my 2 partners but whatever. Luckily I'm not romantically involved with the man babies I live with.
Boyfriend is out of town for the week without service; can't wait to laugh with him about this when he gets back. Thank god I can dump this here for now though.

 

[Eponine]

That's funny, but Cris and Larry didn't know you guys are poly to begin with? Seems like it would be difficult to hide when you all live together.

 

[ref2018]

That's funny, but Cris and Larry didn't know you guys are poly to begin with? Seems like it would be difficult to hide when you all live together.

That, and some "friend" Larry is for waiting *3 months* to snitch to OP's husband. A *real* friend would have tattled at the earliest possible opportunity!

 

[mountaingirl]

That's funny, but Cris and Larry didn't know you guys are poly to begin with? Seems like it would be difficult to hide when you all live together.

Larry knew. Husband talked with him about it. I think he was just trying to get under my skin. Cris didn’t know but I was never actively hiding it, they’re just not my friends so I didn’t feel like explaining myself to them

 

[mountaingirl]

That's funny, but Cris and Larry didn't know you guys are poly to begin with? Seems like it would be difficult to hide when you all live together.

at this point really everyone knows, I.e. Has seen boyfriend and I cuddling or holding hands but I think both Cris and Larry have a really hard time understanding and still think I’m some conniving succubus

 

[MeeraReed]

I am confused how you ended up in a housing situation with roommates who don't all know your dating situation? Who moved in first?

Seems like your roommates should have been made aware if your boyfriend joined the household, since relationship dynamics affect everyone in a house. Or, if a roommate moved in when you already had an existing poly living situation, shouldn't they have been aware of the dynamic of the household they were moving into?

It just seems a weird thing to omit. Surely they were aware you & your husband are a married couple? Why would they not be aware that your boyfriend is also there?

Or did you meet your boyfriend because he was one of your roommates? Sorry if I'm not understanding...I feel like the way you describe your situation changes each time you post here.

Okay, I reread and see that the roommates are your husband's childhood friends. Okay, so were they all living together before you moved in? And then you had your boyfriend join the household without discussing the relationship openly with the other roommates? Does your husband own the house, or do you all rent?

As a roommate I would not be thrilled to see any roommate & their partner cuddling naked on the couch in the common space. That would bother me. It seems like there is some roommate tension over things like this, particularly, if you aren't thrilled when a roommate has their girlfriend over?

How is the rent divided in the household? Do you and your husband share a room? Does your boyfriend have his own room? Does everyone pay equal rent?

This sounds like a roommate disagreement situation getting out of hand.

 

[mountaingirl]

I am confused how you ended up in a housing situation with roommates who don't all know your dating situation? Who moved in first?

All 5 of us have lived together before (Me, husband, boyfriend, Larry, Cris); at the time me and boyfriend were just friends. We all lived apart for a year because we were working in different places for a bit. Basically went ahead with the plan of moving back in together even though feelings between me and boyfriend happened (weren't sure where they were going to go and I'm not going to change all my plans just because of a romantic relationship). This place was very convenient for me commuting to school and we all enjoy the cheaper rent.

Seems like your roommates should have been made aware if your boyfriend joined the household, since relationship dynamics affect everyone in a house. Or, if a roommate moved in when you already had an existing poly living situation, shouldn't they have been aware of the dynamic of the household they were moving into?

I personally disagree with that tbh. I'm not out to my parents, some childhood friends, work peeps, etc. and really didn't want to come out to my roommates while I was still figuring out the whole poly situation. Plus, they're two of my husbands childhood friends? So I don't consider it up to me to tell them. Me and boyfriend were keeping all intimacy in his room for months (my husband and boyfriend have separate rooms from each other, but share a bathroom and living room area that's separate from the other roommates). Once my husband told Larry (they are close friends and he decided to tell him), we'd occasionally slip up and hold hands or brief kiss in common areas, we have matching friendship bracelets and hang out a lot. Nothing that I would think would make anyone exceedingly uncomfortable unless they just weren't okay with me having two partners.

Or did you meet your boyfriend because he was one of your roommates? Sorry if I'm not understanding...I feel like the way you describe your situation changes each time you post here.

I'm not going to get into details because I have posted before (it was a while ago so I get it), but no my boyfriend was me and my husbands friend and things were platonic for about 2 years.

As a roommate I would not be thrilled to see any roommate & their partner cuddling naked on the couch in the common space. That would bother me. It seems like there is some roommate tension over things like this, particularly, if you aren't thrilled when a roommate has their girlfriend over?

This was the first and only incident in which we were being intimate anywhere not in my boyfriend's room. Also this girl is not his girlfriend (would have called her that if she was). They have loud sex each and every night, she does not pay any rent (everyone else in the house splits equally even though I share a room with my husband) and other roommate (Cris) caught them having sex on furniture me, boyfriend and husband shared the costs of in the living room space closest to our rooms. There was no discussion of her being over every night before this one. The "funny" part of this to me was that my roommate pretended to be bothered by seeing us on the couch 3 months after the fact, but didn't say anything at the time (he actually made jokes about it). Also also he didn't see anything, we were just under a blanket but yeah context matters.
This site isn't a roommate reddit, I only posted this because even though my roommate had been told about the situation, he used this isolated incident from months ago to try and sow discord between me and my husband in front of other people and it didn't work lol. Just poly discrimination/judgement is all. He was looking for an angry reaction from my husband/me.

I feel like the way you describe your situation changes each time you post here.

You may be right just because the context changes. Roommate stuff was never an issue until now. So this is just another facet of my relationship with him, I guess. I post as I like, when I need advice, when something frustrates me, when I have a cool experience. I haven't posted a long explanatory thread since my first posts when I was describing how me and boyfriend and husband met and how things unfolded initially.

This sounds like a roommate disagreement situation getting out of hand.

It's not, but thanks for your concern lol. I already talked to everyone involved. My roommate apologized for throwing shit in my face months later and agreed to limit overnights for non rent paying guests.

 

[mountaingirl]

Realizing just by making this thread that being in some pseudo "out"/in the closet state is weird. I sometimes can't discern if people's (in this case my roommates) judgements comes from the fact that I am poly or that I'm hiding it (in the sense of not talking about it with them). Like if I was out and had a somewhat in depth discussion with them, would my roommates stop wondering if it's "acceptable" or not? I relied on the description of me and my boyfriend's relationship that my husband provided to Larry, but I'm thinking me and my boyfriend discussing things with Larry and Cris might be helpful. I think if boyfriend and I were in a mono relationship, roommates would feel more comfortable expressing curiosity but in this case they have been just talking between each other it seems. Again, boyfriend is still out of town. I'm not even sure he would want to have that conversation but we'll see.

 

[Bariah]

Like if I was out and had a somewhat in depth discussion with them, would my roommates stop wondering if it's "acceptable" or not? I relied on the description of me and my boyfriend's relationship that my husband provided to Larry, but I'm thinking me and my boyfriend discussing things with Larry and Cris might be helpful.

That's a kind gesture, but it might be one of those things you don't want to involve yourself with. Not that it's a bad thing, but it's just not at all an obligation or responsibility on your part or any of your partners, and those kinds of conversations become invasive quickly. In my view, personal things are off bounds when speaking to friends and acquaintances. I've always found that it preserves the equilibrium of the time I get to spend with SOs. The last thing I'd personally want is the same people who had a mini crisis about your boyfriend to know MORE information they might have a future crisis about. There could be unexpected consequences that could complicate things further if they are unwilling to be open.

Hilarious story tho!

 

[Inaniel]

I am in a very similar situation to your own, since 2017. I have some thoughts, not to be confused with criticism, just little things I have noticed along my journey.

Failure to disclose a poly situation to a roommate can lead to distress for that person. From a friend or outsider’s perspective, (however “good” or “bad” of a friend is besides the point.) Placing them in the position to think that an affair is happening, behind their friend’s back, with another roommate no less… Can be distressing.

I would personally be upset about every day I wasted worried about the situation at “home” when I could have just been informed of the ethical situation at hand. And telling me upfront before moving in together is way better, why? Because you aren’t denying my autonomy to choose what type of living situation I involve myself with. Maybe I do care who’s fucking who and being naked on the couch ect.

Me personally. If I don’t trust someone to know about my ethical poly situation, I don’t trust them enough to live with them either.. if I do trust them enough, I tell them before living with them and they choose to be involved in that living situation…. That is what I would consider an ethically ideal approach, although I know it’s complicated.

In the early days of my poly relationship with Bird and Daisy, my parents thought I was cheating on Bird. They saw a notification on my phone when I was staying over for holiday and jumped to conclusions. It doesn’t take much. People are sensitive and intuitive creatures. While it is my choice to disclose the situation to whomever I chose, I also must recognize the distress it causes either way. The difference? When I live in the shadows I have no voice, people fill in the gaps themselves. I choose to be out so I can be part of the conversation.

And really what I discovered, was a whole shit load of acceptance. Even where we least expected it. Like from Daisy’s father, who is an ordained minister.

We have been working towards a household agreement where no one may stay in our home overnight unless they know about our poly. As of recently we can finally make good on that idea as we are now out of the closet to all important friends and family.

I am not advocating coming out. Our circumstances made it the less stressful option as time went on, if you can believe it. And I think that was mostly a result of our high degree of entanglement and cohabitation.

So regardless of whether Larry is a good friend or not (no comment), he could have been scared of destabilizing his home and that is distressing. I have learned that assuming I can keep poly under wraps from someone who is highly intertwined in my life (like a roommate) is naive.. I learned it the hard way too. And with that in mind I have a choice of how to treat people accordingly. Because there is no simple “hands off” solution, other than removing the person from my personal life. And inviting them to live with me certainly is not that.

 

[mountaingirl]

The difference? When I live in the shadows I have no voice, people fill in the gaps themselves. I choose to be out so I can be part of the conversation.

Thanks for the advice! always nice hearing input from someone in a similar situation.
If I had it my way, we would be out to everyone important already. My family and I are very close and I'm no longer worried about them judging. At this point I have suspicions that nearly everyone in all of our circles knows or suspects based on comments and behavior. Both Joe and P are clueless.
I get push back from both partners; they think it's not worth it, don't want me to be judged, that it's no one else's business, etc. As time goes on I agree, it makes more and more sense to just tell people instead of waiting for them to come to (usually false) conclusions and have to do this song and dance over and over. The two roommates are usually pretty open minded, so I wouldn't be surprised if most of their hang ups have to do with the secrecy.
I talked to Cris (roommate that wasn't told) and was just like "this is what it is". He was fine with it as soon as he realized my husband knows.
In dealing with other people in the future, I would like to be more transparent but am really just waiting on everyone else. As a hinge I feel like it's really not my place to decide when/how/to whom we come out (majority rules?). Maybe that's just some lingering guilt tho.