Second Try at Dating and Scared

NotPetunias

NotPetunias

New member
I moved a lot as a kid, so I don't have many friendships from childhood. Really, I have one. We met really young and kept in touch when I moved once again (facebook messages, emails, and even letters). I went to college and we decided to start dating long-distance. I didn't have any dating experience, but they said they loved me and didn't want to wait. There was just one thing I had to accept: they were poly. I didn't see that as a problem. They had physical relationships with a lot of other people while we dated long-distance. At first I was insecure, but that was on me. I decided maybe I should try dating. That's when I first really experienced what I would learn later was abuse. I had to call off dates and leave gatherings to call them, or else I "didn't love them." Trying to date other people just seemed like more trouble for me than it was worth.

Years later, I graduated and we moved in together. They were still seeing other people but pressured me to set a date for our wedding. Their anger started to get physical. I kept putting off being married. Things went up and down for years, but then my partner started to put effort into getting help for their anger... becuase they didn't want new partners they had to see that side of them. I still saw it.

I genuinely think we're in a good place now and they are truly regretful of their past behavior. It's been nearly two years since any big incident. For me though, I feel so alone. My partner wants to be "on their best behavior" (according to them) for the other partners they date. I, on the other hand, am their best friend since forever so I am seen as a guarantee.

My therapist suggested that I try dating again. Well... for the first time really. I have never dated. I've only been in this one relationship. We're in a poly arrangement and my partner is in a healthier place--but I'm still scared. I'm scared that they will react jealously. That I won't be any good at dating. That I'm not worth spending time with.
 
Being "good" at dating, like being good at anything else, takes practice. I hope that you will come to see yourself as worth spending time with. Others will then see you the same way (and might very well see you that way even before you do).
 
I appreciate that. I suppose after airing out some of my biggest insecurities, connecting about hobbies and interestes is not nearly as daunting.
 
The greatest advice against the fear of not being someone people want to be around is, “would you want to hang out with you?”

Idk where you’re at but rest assured that the dating “game” is a lie that emotionally ignorant people pretend is how relationships work. You can’t be “good” at it. Just be a good person and you’ll be fine.
 
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