Secondary to married man. I shouldn’t put in as much effort?

[Arius]

I apologize, I'm too tired to read all the replies, so I'm just going to wade in blind.

I think the real issue is that you don't have anything else going on sexually / romantically, and he does. So you have more time and energy to give to it than he does, and you likely want a bit more out of it than he does because you're not getting those needs met elsewhere. It's a tricky situation to be in. I've been on both sides of that, and it's not easy to navigate.

It's likely that he values you very much, he just doesn't have the same time and energy to devote to the relationship that you do. I would encourage you to try to let go of any ideas about what the relationship should be or what you want it to be. Just look at what it is, accept every ounce of love and affection and time and energy that he gives you as a gift where otherwise there would be nothing, and keep searching for more love.

Just my thoughts.

 

[39special]

our situation

Successfully Poly and married 20 years, 15 of them Poly.

My wife and I agree that NRE is the best thing in the world, and we actively support each other to experience it to the fullest. We have a code word, "NRE Time" - as in, "I need some NRE time with my new partner" - this means for 30 days we get a pass and just want to be able to focus on the other partner. This has worked beautifully for both of us. There are times we have both in in NRE Time together, and barely see each other coming and going... when we come back down we always have so much to talk about (and great sex).

 

[Bluebird]

I have two husbands. One is legal and one is not. However, we have all of our finances combined, our retirement planned and we own a house together. I did officially change my name so I reflect both of their last names. My second husband is not second class. He means so very much to me and my life would be terrible without him as a part of it. When we started dating (over 5 years ago) he spoke up and told me he wanted the same consideration as husband number one. He told me how much time he felt he needed, how much texting. I then decided if that would work for me. It sounds as if you need to have a similar conversation. What do you need? Do you want kitchen table poly? Do you want to one day have babies and a house with him? That sort of thing needs to be worked out - if he can’t ever see himself partnering up in the way that you want, then you can make a decision. Right now, you’re not even making your basic needs known, and as such, you’re the one devaluing yourself. Speak up - communicating your needs is on you. He can’t be a mind reader. It’s cruel to treat him and yourself this way.

 

[ElMango]

Hi everyone! This is my first post and first poly relationship.

Welcome! I hope we can help! Firsts are always more confusing!

I have been a girlfriend to a married man for about 6 months now. I wish I could love him with all my heart and just be happy, but I always feel like I should hold back, because his true love belongs to someone else. Even though he says he loves me.

Has he said his "true love" belongs to someone else? Do you personally feel that people can only have one "true love"? Is that coming more from insecurity, or a solid personal belief?

Why do you not believe him when he says he loves you? Does he say he loves you in a lesser way? Does he act like he does? Is his wife polya too?

I never ask to spend time with him... I wait until he wants to see me. If he doesn’t text me first, that usually means we just don’t text until he does. That doesn’t mean I don’t cry in the meantime because I feel he is busy with his real life and wife. Too busy for me.

Why don't you voice your needs/wants? I know how hard it can be do give voice to what you need! It's scary! People may say no, and then where do you go from there?

I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that you are part of his real life, and you are worthy of his time and he should be listening to you even if he cannot give you everything you want; he should be willing to talk with you and work together to set up something that can work for all of you.

Do you KNOW he's too busy with his wife, or are you assuming? How often is he texting you/hanging out with you?

I feel like he should always be making the effort to see me and make me feel important to him. Is this the wrong way of thinking? I’m not seeing anyone else. Only him so he is all I have. Are my expectations too high?

He should be making the effort to see you and make you feel important for sure! But, you should be making an effort to make him know what you need to feel that way. How often do you want/need some IRL attention, how much would you like to be texted (Text him first too! You deserve his time and attention, but you have to initiate too. How would he know you're not busy if you're not texting him too?)
I wouldn't say they're too high, but a little one-sided. Again, the fact he wants to be not only your primary, but only, is shady to me.

As a secondary, am I wrong in thinking he needs to put in the effort to keep me happy? Especially since I know he is uncomfortable with me seeing anyone else.

I'm uncomfortable with him being uncomfortable with you seeing other people. Can you explain/do you know his reasoning? Because it seems shady to me off the bat.

On the first part; yes he needs to put effort in to meet your needs. You also need to make your needs known.

Also, as a secondary dating a married man, how can I learn to respect myself? How can I become ok with never being married myself if I stay with him?

You can for sure get married legally; just not to him unfortunately. But, if you ever end up with another partner and want to get married you can.
Also, me and my secondary partner are doing a not legally binding but emotionally binding hand-fasting ceremony with just me, him, and Z. It may not be legal, but it still counts as a marriage to us.

Much love! DM me anytime you need!