secondary to primary back to secondary

B

blackpoppy

New member
Short version of the story: for a while, I've been casually dating a man who had a primary partner. He was very clear that he was not going to leave her for me, that she came first, and I accepted the situation and behaved gracefully. I even met her, and had a polite conversation with her, but i could tell that she wasn't very cool with me and he told me as much about her.

Fast forward about six months, they break up, and soon, he and I are spending a lot more time together, not only as friends but lovers. I have fallen in love with him and told him so. He told me he loves me. He is wonderful to me, and not so secretly, I'm glad that he and his previous partner split up. I want to be his girlfriend.

Two months of this, he announces they are getting back together and needs to spend a few months working on their relationship and can't see me for a while. He's promised that our relationship is far from over, and that he'll see me in a month and that I can tall and talk any time, but I feel really sad and scared, and like I'm not very valued, or that she made lessening our time together a condition of their getting back together.

I am so hurt. Has this happened to anyone else? I'm not sure what to do. I thought I was going to be primary and now I'm being told no. He and I really connected and we made plans to be together but his ex came back and wants him back and they are "working on things."
 
I need to feel valued in a relationship, so there is no way I could handle the yoyo that you are going through. I would be gone, girl. If you aren't happy, you need to let your guy know and then make a decision as to what you are willing to accept.
 
Love yourself enough to not allow yourself to be treated that way and move on. I wouldn't even bother to wait to see what happens. You already know she doesn't approve of you or the relationship. It won't change if you wait. All waiting does is leave you in limbo and give her/them power over your life. The break up was her way of saying she is the only one or he loses her. If he pushes her to accept you she will make his life hell which will in turn spill over into yours.
 
I agree with the others; I would not be waiting around for him. We could assign a lot of reasons for this behavior - everything from a generous perspective like he doesn't know how to gracefully handle two relationships to being a selfish asshole who has a lot of gall asking you to wait around. Bottom line is while I do believe intent matters in many situations, to consider intent, the bare minimum of acceptable behavior must be met. This is not anywhere near the bare minimum.

If it were me, I would tell him you that you valued what the two of you shared, but that you are not going to be put on a shelf and just wait around for him. If he can't see why this unacceptable, well then that's a problem too. Tell him you're done, and that for his sake, you hope he made the right choice. Good luck.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top