Hello everyone. I’ve been lurking and reading (and learning a lot) for a couple weeks, so I thought it was about time I made an official introduction.
I’m married to a wonderful woman that I adore. We’ve been together almost 20 years, married for 10. She’s my best friend in the world. We’re both very affectionate and giving. Our sex life is terrific. We’ve honestly only had one serious argument in 20 years. Well, two now. (I’ll get to that soon.)
I have always known I was poly, even before I knew that word existed. I remember as a kid (maybe age 9 or 10) thinking that one woman and one man was too limiting, that romantic love should be freely given and accepted. However, I’ve never told any of my partners about these feelings. Where I was raised, such things weren’t talked about, and certainly none of my lovers hinted that such a thing was on the table. So I pretended to be mono all my life. And yet, underneath all that wonderfulness, some part of me remained unfulfilled.
About a month ago, I took the plunge and told my wife. It was a difficult conversation. She cried a bit and then looked as if I’d confessed to being a serial killer. (Actually, I think she would have been less horrified to hear I was an ax murderer.)
I did my best to explain the feelings inside me, how they had started long before she and I met. Yet, through it all, she expressed over and over that she felt it was a failing on her part, as if she were to blame. Needless to say, I did my best to reassure her.
Over the course of the next couple weeks I bought and read “Opening Up.” I asked my wife to read it, too. With some reluctance, she did. Afterward, we talked again. It didn’t go well. I took the position that all I wanted was to finally be open with someone about this, but she could not understand how she wasn’t “enough” for me. She took it as an insult. Again, I reassured her that she was wonderful and awesome (she is). She made it abundantly clear that she is strictly monogamous (monoamorous, too) and that she would not tolerate any “poly behavior” on my part.
All in all, that is pretty much what I expected. She married me with the understanding that we would be mono, so I get that she feels blindsided by this. I’ve done my best not to be defensive, but to also stand up for my right to determine the course of my own life. (That’s not easy for her or me. We’re both people-pleasers.)
Right now, things are pretty much back to normal on the surface. We haven’t discussed this in about two weeks, and my wife shows no signs of ever wanting to talk about it again. And there is no pressing reason to bring it up. I have no lovers “waiting in the wings,” no one I’m really interested in pursuing right now. But while my wife says she “accepts” that I’m poly (even though she claims she cannot comprehend what that term means, even after reading the book.), she’s clear that it needs to stay hidden. Like an infectious disease.
She and I both agree that ending our marriage is not an option for either of us. When we’re not discussing this topic, we’re still deliriously happy. I can’t conceive of a future without her.
But can I sublimate my poly side forever? I don’t know. I’m concerned that resentment will build as time goes by. I know life is about choices. If she is truly 100% mono, then my choice is pretty cut-and-dry. But I’m hoping that she will think about this and eventually be open to giving it a try. Only time will tell.
Thanks for letting me share.
I’m married to a wonderful woman that I adore. We’ve been together almost 20 years, married for 10. She’s my best friend in the world. We’re both very affectionate and giving. Our sex life is terrific. We’ve honestly only had one serious argument in 20 years. Well, two now. (I’ll get to that soon.)
I have always known I was poly, even before I knew that word existed. I remember as a kid (maybe age 9 or 10) thinking that one woman and one man was too limiting, that romantic love should be freely given and accepted. However, I’ve never told any of my partners about these feelings. Where I was raised, such things weren’t talked about, and certainly none of my lovers hinted that such a thing was on the table. So I pretended to be mono all my life. And yet, underneath all that wonderfulness, some part of me remained unfulfilled.
About a month ago, I took the plunge and told my wife. It was a difficult conversation. She cried a bit and then looked as if I’d confessed to being a serial killer. (Actually, I think she would have been less horrified to hear I was an ax murderer.)
I did my best to explain the feelings inside me, how they had started long before she and I met. Yet, through it all, she expressed over and over that she felt it was a failing on her part, as if she were to blame. Needless to say, I did my best to reassure her.
Over the course of the next couple weeks I bought and read “Opening Up.” I asked my wife to read it, too. With some reluctance, she did. Afterward, we talked again. It didn’t go well. I took the position that all I wanted was to finally be open with someone about this, but she could not understand how she wasn’t “enough” for me. She took it as an insult. Again, I reassured her that she was wonderful and awesome (she is). She made it abundantly clear that she is strictly monogamous (monoamorous, too) and that she would not tolerate any “poly behavior” on my part.
All in all, that is pretty much what I expected. She married me with the understanding that we would be mono, so I get that she feels blindsided by this. I’ve done my best not to be defensive, but to also stand up for my right to determine the course of my own life. (That’s not easy for her or me. We’re both people-pleasers.)
Right now, things are pretty much back to normal on the surface. We haven’t discussed this in about two weeks, and my wife shows no signs of ever wanting to talk about it again. And there is no pressing reason to bring it up. I have no lovers “waiting in the wings,” no one I’m really interested in pursuing right now. But while my wife says she “accepts” that I’m poly (even though she claims she cannot comprehend what that term means, even after reading the book.), she’s clear that it needs to stay hidden. Like an infectious disease.
She and I both agree that ending our marriage is not an option for either of us. When we’re not discussing this topic, we’re still deliriously happy. I can’t conceive of a future without her.
But can I sublimate my poly side forever? I don’t know. I’m concerned that resentment will build as time goes by. I know life is about choices. If she is truly 100% mono, then my choice is pretty cut-and-dry. But I’m hoping that she will think about this and eventually be open to giving it a try. Only time will tell.
Thanks for letting me share.
