So I accidently came out to my parents...

[FallenAngelina]

In many (most?) conservative circles there is no legitimate reason for a married man to stay alone at a single female friend’s house ever, and it would cause raised eyebrows and questions.

I can't think of many circles in which that would not cause questions, eyebrows raised or not. People don't have to be conservative or stuffy to question the purpose of any married man's overnight stay alone with a woman who is not his wife. Some extremely accepting people perhaps would try not to judge, but almost everyone certainly would get the picture that sex is happening. The text was a major outing of the poly group-- no question.

I was raised in one of the most liberal bubbles on earth (San Francisco) and can tell you that the same text sent there would have carried the same meaning. Perhaps the families in question would have responded differently, but there would certainly be questions, and a good bit of urgency around getting/giving some answers. Hardly anyone at all would have read that text and not assumed a sexual relationship between the OP and Abby.

 

[MeeraReed]

You are not in the position to define ethical boundaries of my relationships, nor are you in the position to infer that I am a jerk, or define what constitutes a "dick move" on behalf of Abby.

Whether or not Abby was okay with it is not your concern. Thank you for saying that. You clearly can’t escape yourself when thinking about this scenario. Your post doesn’t have anything to do with Abby; it has everything to do with you. Abby was unfairly used as a veil for your egotism.

Oh good grief! Inaniel, you are reading a lot into InfinitePossibility's post that isn't there. I don't see any egotism in what she said.

This is an internet forum about poly relationships, where you posted about a problem in order to get advice from internet strangers about your situation. You are not going to agree with all the responses. It doesn't make someone egotistical if they explain how their approach would be different.

I, too, thought that you were being unkind to Abby and overreacting to the text to your mom, so it's not just InfinitePossibility's "ego" that interpreted your situation this way. Most people on this thread sympathized with you, so I did want to offer another perspective to give you some food for thought.

Since you said Abby shares your background and was on board with the way you handled the evening, that's fine.

But you may want to put some thought into why you are being so defensive toward InfinitePossibility. She's not bragging that her family is better-- she is offering you insight into the ways that other adults relate to their parents and are able to have healthier dynamics.

 

[CuriousTabz]

Hi Inaniel,

I applaud your tactic and openness. I think, given time, your family will come around, once they are able to observe for themselves. I hope you don't worry too much. After all, you have to live your truth. How they deal with it is ultimately up to them... and that is not on you.

-Tabz

 

[Ravenscroft]

Let's back up a bit.

I love my family. If they mostly decided to pull up stakes & form a hive, I would frankly be creeped out, & move a couple states away.

Inaniel, my feeling is that you are less likely to achieve general acceptance from your whole family -- much less their church communities -- than to have them working around to some form of intervention, maybe an exorcism.

(No, I am not being at all facetious: the "mega-churches" in the Denver & Colorado Springs areas aren't unknown to me.)

 

[Bluebird]

My family took about a year before they came to acceptance. At least, they shut up finally. My husband DarkKnight's family did stage an intervention. I wrote about it in my blog. PunkRock's family seemed to be okay right from the get-go.

Your mileage may vary.

 

[Sentinel]

Probably the hardest thing I ever did was to come out as poly to my parents. At the time, I was in an unenviable bind between my then-mono wife and my new girlfriend. My father didn't understand, but showed he cared; my mother betrayed me by going behind my back and telling my sister about how awful I was. My learning from all of this is, you may get good stuff or bad stuff: if you need support right now, look to other sources.

 

[Streptopelia]

Advice needed about coming out to parents

I’ve been reading this thread because my partner of 2½ years is pressuring me to come out to my parents. (They know about my partner of 18 years, because she and I are married to one another.)

My parents are in their 70s, and my mother is quite conservative (in the European sense, not the US right-wing Christian sense). They live 400 miles/650 km away from me. We speak on Skype once a week, but only see each other maybe three times a year, usually when I visit them. I’m on very good terms with them, but I’m quite private and don’t talk to them about personal matters. However, my more recent partner feels that if I don’t tell them, then it means she is less important to me. Also, there is a practical problem in that if I were to go abroad for a week or so with my partner, I would surely have to tell my parents, since I Skype with them every week.

I’d be interested to get people’s opinions as to how important it is that I tell my parents, and if so, are there any tips for how I should go about it?

 

[Nox]

It's only important if you think it's important. I can understand where the 2 1/2-year partner is bothered, but it's not her life.

FWIW, you've already not told your parents, so the importance of your 2 1/2-year partner is fixed. Telling them could increase her importance, but not telling them only maintains the status quo.

Also, to be fair, I used to think it was more important than I do now, which has led me to the conclusion that it's a highly personal decision.