So I suck at monogamy

[ClockworkDragon]

I've said this often over the years, but lately, it's settled as a reality, for me.

Some background. I've been with my husband for 16 years, married for 12. We have two beautiful children. I love him deeply, and even though he has dealt with many issues (addiction, alcoholism, etc) we have fought through it. I had an affair before we had kids that nearly destroyed us. It was a true affair; no love or polyamorous desire.

Fast forward to now. I am in love with my first boyfriend.

And my husband knows and has been almost creepily supportive. He knows I can't help what my heart decides. He struggled, at first, but eventually, he opened up enough that he let me have an encounter with my ex. It was the three of us, it was unbelievably amazing, and though my husband had reservations, he enjoyed it immensely. It didn't result in intercourse (it was intended to, but well, my abilities at giving oral ended my ex's ability to, I'm afraid. LOL.) but that was the original intention. A great time was had by all.

That started the conversation. While I haven't brought up the whole "polyamory" thing to him, (until this post, which he will see) he's mentioned opening the relationship, and asked me if I wanted to. I said no, but he knows I didn't mean it. That's the hazards of being married so long. Can't lie to each other at all. We haven't decided to do so yet, even though our actions might show a bit of a different story.

He's struggled a lot, but he is coming to terms with it; I tried to explain to him that love doesn't divide, it grows. I don't love him less because I have always been in love with my first boyfriend. Quite the contrary. I love him more for letting me have that night.

He desperately needs a girlfriend. And I want him to have it; if she's our unicorn, great, but honestly, I don't need that. I want him to be happy, and if that means that he has sex with her without me, I'm 100% okay with that! Personally, I think it would do him a lot of good. I've always had that fantasy of watching him with another woman, and he needs a friend, someone to talk to that isn't me. He doesn't have much of a social life. At all. Actually, he has none; his battles with addiction have left him starting over completely.

This is a delicate balance. I have friends who are poly, so I'm very familiar with the community. I've been extremely careful not to push him in any way he's not interested in. He's only discovered much of his non-vanilla sexuality in recent months and years. When we first married, I was, to be frank, prudish; sex was miserable, I hated it, and I hated being monogamous. After kids, that got better physically, but I've always struggled with my needs.

He knows I want to go to my ex, and just be with him; talk, cuddle, not even necessarily sex, although we do have that attraction. Last night, he offered to let me. I didn't accept, simply because I know he's not there yet, and the last thing I want to do is take that gift if it will leave him sitting at home miserably alone.

Even if I really, really wanted to.

My ex and I have been extremely circumspect and respectful of each other and my husband. We're careful not to be alone together, aside from one time before the threesome where my husband wanted me to talk to him about my feelings. It was where I confessed being in love. We almost kissed, touched, and held each other, and went home before it could cross the line. That's the only time there has been anything outside of the presence of my husband, and he was aware of that. After the threesome, all of us hugged. My ex is a very loving, gentle man, and doesn't want to hurt us. That's why he struggled with our request for so long before we kinda begged him and he gave in. My ex was worried it would hurt my marriage, but all it's done is stoked the fires. I've had the most fantastic sex since then (Aside from a disastrous BSDM exploration that ended in tears when it went too far). My husband finally confessed that he wanted a girlfriend, too.

I struggle so much. I want to be with BOTH of them. I love them both. I don't want to hurt anyone, so I'm taking this excruciatingly slowly. I'm worried about being too selfless, and denying myself. I have done that a lot lately; to be honest, if my husband offers for me to go to my ex again? I don't know if I have the strength to say no.

My goal right now is to find him someone. It's hard for a guy to find a girl; we're both looking, but it's a little creepier when the guys do it. I guess I need advice on... everything? I dunno. Baby steps.

 

[Marcus]

You sound like you are bursting with compassion for your lovers. I'm pleased to hear that.

He doesn't have much of a social life. At all. Actually, he has none; his battles with addiction have left him starting over completely.

Social interaction is a very important aspect in most of our lives. He should make it his top priority to work to acquire this interaction to the degree he needs it.

While that is true, I would suggest caution on your part in helping him get it. Any steps you take to alter his life should be very explicitly requested. Doing things on behalf of our loved ones can breed resentment and I'd hate for that to be a stumbling block for you two.

Last night, he offered to let me. I didn't accept, simply because I know he's not there yet, and the last thing I want to do is take that gift if it will leave him sitting at home miserably alone... I'm worried about being too selfless, and denying myself. I have done that a lot lately; to be honest, if my husband offers for me to go to my ex again? I don't know if I have the strength to say no.

I get what you are trying to do here, and I don't necessarily disagree with your actions. Looking out for our loved ones is an admirable instinct and one that is present in our most compassionate moments.

However, as you said you are being very "selfless" and I always hesitate to encourage that. I'm in favor of being kind, being gentle, and being loving... but being selfless is something entirely different.

When you first go spend the evening with your ex (which I'm guessing is going to happen very soon), your husband will quite possibly have some emotional stuff come up. He may be nervous, jealous, envious, any list of things depending on his personality profile. He might have difficulty dealing with some of the things that come up which will require him to do some soul searching, talk with you about it, seek a therapist, find a support group, do some reading... and all of these are very good things. Emotionally challenging moments are what can make a person great, enable them to grow, force them to evolve.

So while "selfless" is one way to look at it, "stagnation" is another. There is no right or wrong answer when determining which it which, but I want you to think about whether or not your husband needs you to protect him from the world. Does he want you to protect him from this challenge? Or has he, as a fully functional adult, decided he's ready for it?

My ex and I have been extremely circumspect and respectful of each other and my husband. We're careful not to be alone together, aside from one time before the threesome where my husband wanted me to talk to him about my feelings.

Sounds to me like this relationship with your ex is about to happen unless you chain yourself to the sink. I suggest recognizing that this is the case and steadying yourself for the reality that trying to deny this relationship isn't likely to last for long. Posting here and letting your husband read it is a fantastic step and I think you are spot on for doing it.

I suggest you guys discuss your expectations very clearly (and immediately). Being in an open or poly relationship can vary wildly and what you imagine happening might be totally different from how your two fellows imagine it happening. Discuss things like how you foresee a schedule working, what about phone calls during dinner, how about texting in bed, weekly sit downs with all three of you to discuss how everyone is doing... the arrangement will be different for everyone but it is unlikely to work if you aren't all honest with what you want out of it.

I wish you guys all the luck in the world. So many people fuck up this first step so badly it almost seems like no one can do it right... but so far you are doing great.

 

[Marcus]

My goal right now is to find him someone. It's hard for a guy to find a girl; we're both looking, but it's a little creepier when the guys do it.

Two things:

1) This is similar to your helping him find a social circle. Be cautious and clear about what he is and isn't cool with you helping him do. It's easy to make assumptions about this stuff so I suggest getting the words from his mouth.

2) Humans should not be used for bandaids as that is not going to work. I understand that you guys think his having a girlfriend will somehow balance out the emotional backlash from you having a boyfriend. On some level that may actually be true. BUT! Getting a girlfriend to fix a problem is a lot like having a kid to fix a problem... something to be avoided at all costs. I advise you to drop this idea entirely. If he wants a girlfriend then he should go get one, but don't use a human as a bandaid to fix a problem in your relationship​

 

[ClockworkDragon]

Two things:

1) This is similar to your helping him find a social circle. Be cautious and clear about what he is and isn't cool with you helping him do. It's easy to make assumptions about this stuff so I suggest getting the words from his mouth.​

This is definitely his explicit request. He actually would kinda like me to set him up on a blind date! I know his tastes very well. We talked about the sorts of things he would like (and not like) yesterday. I think he's as excited about this as I am.

2) Humans should not be used for bandaids as that is not going to work. I understand that you guys think his having a girlfriend will somehow balance out the emotional backlash from you having a boyfriend. On some level that may actually be true. BUT! Getting a girlfriend to fix a problem is a lot like having a kid to fix a problem... something to be avoided at all costs. I advise you to drop this idea entirely. If he wants a girlfriend then he should go get one, but don't use a human as a bandaid to fix a problem in your relationship

You are absolutely right, and that's an excellent thing for us to think about. This is something he's kinda been curious about for a while, and now that I've started the fire burning, he'd like to see what happens. We still don't know if we're ready to go open; he's asked for time to process this, and I'm giving it to him. If we're not BOTH 100% on board, we're not going to do this. There's too much invested in our relationship.