So... It's over now?

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

Part of the reason it worked for me with XBF as long as it did (2 years) was because he valued me enough to have time for me. His actions matched his words.

But in Lupa's story, LEO is the person whose actions don't match his words. He repeatedly says he's ok with the amount of time she spends with him, but his actions are to sulk and act out and punish her for not giving more.

Lupa's wrote:
"I guess I was mostly confused by the difference in acting and speaking, as I can still be.
He said that he was okay with contact a couple of times a week, but what he did was ask attention or visits multiple times a week.
He said that he would continue to invest time and energy in me and our relationship, but when Red came in his life, what he did was stop texting, mailing, calling and wanting to talk to me."

A person is...well, a person, with feelings, needs, emotions of their own, and if we're going to involve them in romance, in hearts and feelings, we shouldn't be surprised if they fall in love and actually want more time with us.

I completely agree, but I also don't think that "love" means we have to give up all our boundaries and agree to give a partner whatever they ask for. Especially at the expense of our sanity.

In this case, Lupa was completely upfront about what kind of relationship she could offer Leo. He could have said no thanks, that would not meet my needs. Now, I do think it happens pretty frequently that people agree to a certain amount of time together, then they fall in love and their needs change. And of course they have every right to communicate that to their partner and ask for more time. But their partner still has the right to say, no, I can't give you that. At which point... The person wanting more needs to either accept what is on offer or end the relationship.

It's not Leo wanting more time that's the problem... It's the fact that he stays in a relationship that isn't meeting his needs, and then makes his partner feel guilty for not making him happy. It's not his fault if his needs changed, but it's not her fault either... and it's not her job to make sure his every new need gets met. Sometimes what two people want is not compatible, even if they love each other.

In fact, just looking at the answers here, clearly most married poly partners want lots of time together with those they love...with their spouses. So if love=wanting to be together is not true, why the desire to spend the majority of the week with the spouse? Why not tell that to the spouse, and split the time together evenly between the two people they love?

Every relationship is different. Some are the "spend every minute together" kind, or the "live together" kind. Some are the "love each other but not compatible to spend that much time together" kind. Personally I think it's great that poly lets us have not just multiple relationships, but multiple types of relationships.

 

[KC43]

I would actually prefer to have more time with Woody and less time at home, since Hubby doesn't spend time with me when I am here. In terms of time spent truly interacting with one another, I have more with Woody than Hubby, even though physically I'm in the same space with Hubby more than I am with Woody.

Of course, my ideal would be to have equal time with each of them, but Hubby isn't into the whole "spending time together" thing, and I've long since given up on trying to change that.