Solo poly people - what's your ideal?

caitlin

New member
Fascinating thread - Thanks, NYC!

As said already, I don't identify as poly, but open-minded and currently single.

I have a loving non-sexual relationship with a married man whose wife doesn't know about me. We see each other weekly and chat, do up my house, have lunch etc.

I have a married lover whose wife knows about me. He and his wife no longer intimate and she has a lover. We see each other for weekends etc according to matching schedules at least monthly. We have a sexual and spanking relationship.

I would like something more, but not looking for anyone to be central to my life. I like NYC's idea of series of beaux to go with the apartment, although a little out of place in my corner of Wales!

I'd like ongoing relationship(s) with affectionate, fun, eager for sex male(s) capable of reasonable conversation who are genuinely "available" and not cheating on/hurting anyone else. I've joked in the past about being shallow with men with depth and bout wanting something between the one night stand and long term relationship.

I love company but also appreciate my own space. I don't want or need a "primary" - very happy as I am - that's why I see myself as a "friends with benefits" type rather than poly. Is it possible to be poly as a phase? My ideal is either monogomy (with or without co-habiting) or mutiple lovers for whome I feel affection and care, but not intensity of monogomous partner. I think I am mono at heart but see no reason to miss out on affection, sex and intimacy if I don't happen along someone to fit the bill.

I'm a best of both worlds woman. Like the idea of monogamy or luscious lovers Perhaps I am merely shallow and/or greedy...;):)
 

SkylerSquirrel

New member
I definitely consider myself a solo poly.

My view:

- Every relationship is a friendship, and friendship is paramount in every relationship. Sex, romantic feelings, and physical touch are merely added bonuses.

- I will probably have different levels of intimacy with different friends - there won't be a neat line between "lover-friends" and "platonic friends." Some friends I have sex with, some friends are cuddle-friends, some friends are somewhere in between. Then there are the friends that are hugs-only or don't-even-hug-me (the latter would be their choice, not mine. I like hugs :))

- My relationships do not "begin" and "end" unless a friendship is beginning or ending. All other changes in intimacy level are a change in the dynamics of a friendship. I'm going through a divorce right now ... I don't see it as an end to a relationship, but rather a changing relationship.

- I am committed to loving and caring about my friends no matter what happens, and being there for them as much as I am practically able to. That is all. Everything else is go with the flow.

- I wouldn't mind living with my friends, whether they are my lovers or not, but I wouldn't commit to doing it permanently (although if it worked out well, it might end up being permanent just because no one ever moves out :D).

- Every friendship is its own thing and is not defined by any other friendship/relationship I might have, except to the degree that they are mutual friends.

- People who I am having sex with have the right to know who else I am having sex with for safety reasons. But other than that, no one needs to know the details of my other relationships, although we may share details as we feel it is appropriate. Openness and honesty is the rule, but respecting privacy is also a rule.

- I am SO DEFINITELY my own primary.
 

caitlin

New member
What an interesting perspective - love the idea of being one's own primary.
Perhaps I'm too quick with the labels.
 

westVan

New member
Great Thread- is very through provoking

Glad to see I'm not alone, being solo can get lonely sometimes but I am finding it a magical journey as well.
I do have a couple of gentlemen that I have relationships with, one married-and one not, but lots of friends that I hang out with when time permits.
in the process of ending things with married - way to many issues/drama for my liking.
but how do I see solo - I have been thinking about it more and more lately. I like myself and the direction that my life is taking maybe its an age thing (50+) but I am finally in a place where I can be by myself and love it. I have learned to stand on my own and be proud that I can do this. I don't see myself ever having a primary relationship again (was married for 26 years). my life is now drama free and I have enough self confidence and independence to be able to show the world that I am me. How poly fits into all this is that I can have different relationships that fit into different parts of my life. work/social/silly sides all have different requirments.
Did that make any sense to anyone.
 

Flowerchild

New member
Wait

Currently, my ideal relationship would probably consist of four people. I, along with my two male partners, would be primary in each other's lives (men don't necessarily have to be primary to each other but I would definitely condone it) and my one female partner would be secondary

But you said you were dating a married man? So....is he more of a dating situation until you find the structure that works right for you?

Or would your two male partners (not sure if this is theoretical or not) both have other primaries of their own? And there would be another woman (I guess with a primary of her own) who is secondary to yourself and the other two men (and possibly the men's partners)?

That sounds similar to what I'm seeking, only I personally prefer everyone to be on a primary relationship status (and thus feel equally committed and responsible to the "polyship")
 

nycindie

Active member
Flowerchild, just to be clear - this thread is where Solos can write about our ideals/fantasies/wish lists for the kinds of poly situations we would love to find ourselves in. It doesn't mean that what people say they want is what they have nor what they strive for - just what kinds of multi-partner daydreams we unpartnered polyamorists like to entertain.

As for eklctc, she hasn't posted here in a long while, so I don't know if she'll see your questions or come back to answer them.
 
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Atlantis

Active member
My dream polyship?
I like your original post NYCIndie...a plumber, a doctor, a dentist....:)
2-3 partners, who have independent and active lives. Who have time to travel and the desire to do so. Have their own interests and passions that I can learn about. And live fairly close by, distance is such a pain, 20 minutes travel tops.
I would also like it to be fairly closed. Each partner limiting the number of other partners they have. Actually, in fantasy land we don't have to worry about STDs, so they can do what they like!
 

Flowerchild

New member
Fair enough

Flowerchild, just to be clear - this thread is where Solos can write about our ideals/fantasies/wish lists for the kinds of poly situations we would love to find ourselves in. It doesn't mean that what people say they want is what they have nor what they strive for

True, but why not strive for what you want?
 

nycindie

Active member
True, but why not strive for what you want?

Well, sure, but it's important to note that there's a difference between having a fantasy configuration in mind and pursuing it. You never want to be "collecting partners" just to fit into whatever poly arrangement seems appealing. People should come first, not configurations!

So, striving is fine as long as one is not striving to find people just to be part of whatever ideal situation we dream about. That would be ill-advised.

However, striving to socialize more, meet people, and be open to possible relationships is a better goal. It's great to have hopes that maybe one of them will hit it off with you, and then seeing if their life can coincide with yours, but never have the configuration as the primary objective.

And for Solos, it's important to make sure we establish our own personal boundaries. Anyone we get involved with should be aware of our boundaries and respectful of them. We Solos need to be careful that we're not entering a situation where we're expected to fulfill some unrealistic fantasy configuration for other people.
 
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